I took two steps down that rabbit hole

But realized I’m not that person anymore!  The holiday season is my magical season, but it is also seems to be the season that has slowly been shredded for me….shredded because of sadness…..at least sporadically over the last couple decades. My dad had a stroke around Thanksgiving one year and a heart attack on Christmas Eve the next…he died a week later.  My father in law was in pretty bad shape his last Christmas and died a couple weeks later.  The same year my dad had his stroke my mother entered the hospital the next day with pneumonia.  I spent a week bouncing between hospital rooms and taking care of them through the rest of the season.  Sometime during those years,  I spent Christmas eve in the ER with him holding an Emeses basin because he was very sick….the flu?

So just for good measure, 3 days after Thanksgiving this year, he let me know he was having chest pain so we were off to the ER.  He had a mild heart attack and the week culminated with triple bypass surgery.  

Leaving the hospital every night, I’ve been overwhelmed with the KC Plaza lights and during my weary drives home, I made it okay in my mind that I probably won’t put up a tree and do all of the decorating this year…because that is how the old Nina would think!

Sitting in my car in the hospital parking lot this morning listening to somebody’s O Holy Night.  I was overwhelmed with reality.  I should absolutely be celebrating my magical season…he is going to be fine….I have so many blessings….why would I jump into the rabbit hole.  Whether or not I step over the hole or jump in with both feet and wallow in my own disappointment is my decision….this is life…this is a good life…every moment spent dwelling on the past and quite frankly dwelling on my own disappointment is another day lost.  I’m not jumping in….I’m not even going to look down the hole.

Until next time….

4 thoughts on “I took two steps down that rabbit hole

  1. The sheer lack of daylight makes this a miserable time of year for me. I hate it more every year. Light at 0700. Dark at 1630. Yuck.

    I’ve never been a decorator either. Christmas is commercial nonsense. Christ was born during the spring lambing season. What is being celebrated is the winter solstice. It’s the old festival of Saturn or Saturnalia as the Romans called it. Pagan irrelevance with a large cash outlay. Christians seem ignorant of these facts.
    I need winter distraction. Or someplace with twelve hours of sunlight everyday on the equator.
    I hope Phil is getting better. Now there’s a gift. Happy Saturnalia.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good for you Nina! Good for you! I am so happy for you both that things went well and he’s gonna be ok! That is it’s own Christmas gift!! Merry Christmas!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You need to decorate for you and if you can’t do it for you for your dear little grandson. He is at the perfect age to enjoy the magic but he can’t if it is not there. Hang in there. I think weird and differently than most. That heart attack that “he” had was a big, fat, huge blessing. Because if he hadn’t had that little one or had ignored it, it would have been much worse. This way it got everyone’s attention so that the problem could be fixed. I am sorry that your younger years were filled with sickness around the holidays, that is sad for sure but you are a wonderful person with a wonderful husband and wonderful daughters and wonderful sons-in-law and that incredibly wonderful grandson – you DESERVE to be happy and enjoy this moment. Love and hugs and happiness!

    Liked by 1 person

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