For those of us who are open to and studying New Thought, I’m often taken back when I realize that what I “think” I draw to me. I have been experiencing fear pretty often in the last few years. I would explain this fear as being very content to stay at home…in my own little nest…do what I want to do which has a varying range from nothing to being “busy”. I used to love to travel and retirement meant taking off “whenever” and “wherever”. 6 years ago I looked forward to weekend trips perhaps taking a month and traveling across the US, a trip to England and beyond. I just haven’t been able to do it.
It is quite possible that a trip we took to Belize in 2015 began this segment of fear driven life. The Belize trip was not your typical island breeze all inclusive vacation. We chose to rent a car and see the back roads of Belize. During that trip, those backroads scared me to death. We had found the area which contained the block building named the hospital which was across the gravel parking lot of the block building named The Morgue. A couple days later I became very ill but could not see myself seeking medical treatment here. My only viable option was a 45 minute trip up the “road” into Mexico. This was not an option I was going to take. From airport to ER when we touched down in Kansas City uncovered the shocking news that I had an intestinal abscess and by the way we also found a tumor which we believe to be cancer.
Unintentionally, I believe it is this news that changed me…..I just no longer trusted that I was safe. Recently, during story telling among friends, I recognized that the ongoing theme that surfaced was I had been reasonable free and fearless in my adventures. I’ve been building on this recognition recently by stopping myself when I think…no…that’s ok, I don’t want to do that and changing that thought to ……what happened to fearless Nina?
We live so often in our heads with stories of our pasts that ignite our fears rather than living for right now and celebrating life experiences. We only have right now…someday we will watch the finale of our life and I want to feel the gratitude of living a full and fearless life.
Until next time…..
Ninasusan 
Facing our mortality always sucks. In Zen there is a story about a monk that holds up a beautiful glass and says, “This glass is already broken. That is why it is so beautiful to me now.” Hope that helps. Enjoy what you can now as much as you can.
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Oh wow. So very understandable. You put your trust in life and when you feel it lets you down in a spectacular way, well–you just shut down. I get it. Wishing you courage and many more happy memories in which the Universe comes through for you.
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Boy I get this. Surprise right? I always get everything you think about. A few years ago. my grandfather and his wife kept talking about selling their house in the country and moving to town. They loved their house in the country and their huge gardens. He finally admitted that maybe some day he wouldn’t be able to drive so if he lived in town at least he’d be able to walk to the store. The one person he would listen to, even tho we all said it, was her oldest son who said, That could be years away and if it happens then we deal with it. Why would you give up what you love for something that may never happen? Or at least be years away. They gave up the idea of selling. Jim and I were shaking our heads at his worry. And now Jim and I are constantly talking about how much work it is out here and what if we just can’t do it someday…maybe we should move to town. So, I love my house and porch and yard. I also kind would like to live where I can walk on sidewalks and have a smaller yard and be closer to stores etc. I honestly don’t know if I am being Grandpa or if I really want a change. I feel like I have always been able to convince myself of anything, so am I convincing myself of something? Idk. Also, I had the same thoughts of retirement as you did. Circumstances mostly changed that. The lack of $$ for the travel. But somehow I’m not brokenhearted about it. Except a little, those weekend trips would be nice. Going to Florida for a couple of weeks would be nice. That cross country trip I was looking so forward to…Idk. We were in the Adirondacks a year ago and met a man with this beautiful A frame house on the river. It was everything I’d pick if I could build a house and that town, the nicest little town. He was selling it to his niece. He and his wife had built it. He said, it’s nice here, but the older you get, the more you have to think about being a little closer to healthcare and hospitals. That was damn depressing to hear. And yet. I got that too….because it’s an hour away from any hospital…. Man, I’m probably not making you feel any better. See how much I get it?! Ugh. I have asked myself what happened to me? Is it being almost 60? Too many ppl with too many unexpected health issues? What is all this What if What if crap I do now? Yes, Where is the old fearless me?? Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it pisses me off. Maybe I should move to town, start a whole new life…… It’s weird how you write about what’s going on in my head all the time.
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The thing is…we up and left our house in the country in the only place we ever knew. That part was easy for me. Phil not so much. I now live in a small town. Close enough to the pharmacy and grocery store that I could do it on an electric scooter. Is it our frame of mind about age? I’m soon to be 64. My mom was 92 when she passed…we just don’t know. Why have I let the Demons take control?
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