That’s not who you are now!

We all have those experiences with another human that have hurt our feelings, made us feel angry, royally pissed off, sad, knocked off center, unappreciated, embarrassed. For some of us, it fed our belief that we aren’t good enough, smart enough, skinny enough….We attached an emotion to that experience and added dislike, hate, anger, irritation to our list of how we feel about someone….or physical feelings of nausea, headache, stomach pain as a result of the emotional pain we felt.

We start when we are young…I remember being on an elementary school field trip to the Science Center in the 60’s. I was wearing a green and yellow cotton straight dress with a matching belt…a girl in my class told me she didn’t like the color and hated the belt. From that moment on I watched my reflection in the windows we passed and realized in my adolescent mind that she didn’t like the belt because in the window reflection, it made me “look fat”. I took the belt off and after that day refused to wear the dress again. It began a life long habit of body shaming myself and being judgmental of others because I had been emotionally injured in 5th grade.

At this point and age, I realize that I’ve accumulated a lot of emotional garbage and damage and each time I react by saying something hurtful, thinking judgmental thoughts or by being unkind, I’m only really just reliving the experience I had in elementary school when someone didn’t like the belt on my green and yellow dress. I’ve found that these judgmental thoughts, the jealous comments, the unkind words that come out of my mouth are just a result of a story I tell myself about something that happened in my past that I relive again and again….not the actual event but how that event made me feel. I know that by shutting down that non-stop voice narrating my life from behind the scenes, I am a nicer, kinder more loving person.


5 thoughts on “That’s not who you are now!

  1. I’m always amazed at what we carry with us. In addition to the love, the not-so-nice bits also. I’m a firm believer not just in doing the inner work, but in body work to release the bad parts while keeping the good . . .

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This spoke to me in a different way. I am emotionally damaged second hand. From my son being bullied when he was a kid. For ppl automatically judging him. I am so so sensitive to anything that looks like that to this day. It can even be one of his siblings, a stranger in a store, the damn insurance agent who gave him attitude the other day. (I mean she gives me attitude too because honestly she’s just a witch that way. And I can handle it for myself, but how DARE she give HIM attitude….I needed to read this, it’s something I need to work on because although I like to think I give ppl the benefit of the doubt, I often don’t……

    Liked by 1 person

  3. On target as usual.
    I react so strongly when I feel like someone has dismissed me or just doesn’t acknowledge that I am even there. I can track that back so easily. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Phil triggered me this morning and I was able to track it back. We were just talking about the bullshit from our childhoods that continues to trigger us and how recognizing it is becoming easier since we are both opening up to it.


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