But currently I’m working through it. I don’t have understanding right now. This is why I journal…both privately and publically on ninasusan.com…For the most part, my private journaling is paragraph after paragraph of thoughts that either would not make sense to anyone else or would, quite frankly, piss them off….it may be a book someday. This blog is a more polished version of what I think I know to be true. Sharing back and forth with others is like frosting on my cake.
I find clarity in meditation and journaling….clarity and healing…. I’m seeking understanding about love and friendships. From somewhere deep within me, I’m realizing that in spite of the parenting I received, I was unconditionally loved by a grandparent from both sides of my family..maternal grandfather and paternal grandmother. This has been life changing for me…the little girl who grew up believing that love had to be earned.
Through the years, I’ve had a few faulty relationships with friends and family. I have worn myself out trying to figure out why some of these relationships don’t work….so I started to simply analyze the relationships that do work. Here’s what I think….those who have grown up with unconditional love are able to love themselves and are free to share that love with friends and family. It’s just who they are. Those close to me who have the same vacant love history also have the need and capacity to love when we are connected with respect and “unconditional” friendship that blossoms….and one step further those who are unable to love themselves and have not learned to trust or respect others, for whatever reason, are satisfied with superficial friendships and just do not have the ability to form honest, trusting relationships?
I guess my bottom line is I must stop trying to earn love and friendship. Relationships need to have the right ingredients to form and grow and for me, negativity is not one of those ingredients.
Your turn, Please!
You are free to evaluate for yourself how much time and energy you are willing to put into relationships. If you have to “earn” love, that sounds like a good definition of manipulation. People don’t have to approve of everything, but to withhold love is pure manipulation and such a relationship is unworthy of serious time and energy.
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Thanks for validating!
I am the same as you. All of my life I had to earn love, even with my single grandparent. The people who were supposed to love and protect me, didn’t, so I learned love was very conditional and only Available when convenient.
I am a terrible friend because I am always waiting and watching for that friendship to be pulled out from underneath me.
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