Control is an illusion….

Free will to make decisions, yes…actually being in control….no, not really.

I am a recovering control freak!  I’ve spent many years making firm decisions, manipulating situations and other people so that things could or would be done “correctly”.  There are few people that I willingly allowed dominance over me and usually this was accomplished by fellow manipulators….or perhaps I should include those who held a superior roll in my life…like bosses or parents.  I usually figured it out eventually.  When I look back on it, I don’t really regret my weaknesses because I learned the lessons and eventually recognized the signs.

Back in the day when I would adjust the TV Guides and remotes on the coffee table several times a day, become angry when things were not done the way I thought they should be done, I started realizing that this wasn’t about the TV Guide, etc at all.  It was actually a power move to have control over things I thought I COULD control….and these were very insignificant things when viewing the big picture.

I now see control as an illusion in order to protect ourselves.  My Kidney cancer diagnosis was one of those face slaps that brought reality to the forefront.  Bad things happen, relationships cease to function and sometimes….it’s just a fact….life does not always work out they way we demand and/or plan.  We have our hopes and dreams but the bottom line we must just react on a daily basis to life.  I’m finding that life is so much easier and peaceful when I don’t have carved in stone expectations of others or situations.  We don’t really control anything, we make wrong and right decisions based on the facts we are given.  Control freaks are difficult people and speaking from experience, I don’t think they are generally happy people…we are afraid of the unknown and I think we cause ourselves more grief when we are unwilling to just “roll with it”!

Until next time….

Not my first but probably my last…

My blog…my story….my opinions.

I had my fill of dominant, aggressive, insecure men today……and the soft spoken preacher-like man who invaded my space to point to my heart and asked me if I could feel my heart beating…that was God speaking directly to me that he is connected on and on and on.  

The over bloated bully who showed up with his side kick (who only grunted because he was devouring a mcdonalds breakfast sandwich)….informed me that I didn’t have enough stuff to sell to call it a garage sale…bad mouthed an old croquet set I had from Menards and passed over 3 boxes of ceramic tile spouting, “I suppose these are Menards too”.  After looking at our reccumbent bikes with a Sneer,  he asked me how much for them…I said 250 apiece…he said do you have change for a 10.  I’m very upset with myself as I write this that I let it go on and on and didn’t order him off of MY F’ING PROPERTY.

The soft spoken preacher leach.  Why did I let him go on and on and on.  He wasn’t buying…he was spouting his religion to a sucker that didn’t tell him I wasn’t interested in hearing his BS!

My heart went out to the old man that said he was going to garage sales because his wife is a computer game addict…playing Words with Friends….he had to be home by 10 because he was afraid she would lose track of time and miss her doctors appointment again?!

I totally enjoyed the women…the groups of women….the elderly sisters who watched out for each other and told each other they didn’t need it.  The elderly woman that weighed no more than 100 pounds with a pale complection that was so grateful when I helped her carrying things to her car.

….and my favorite….the second generation Mexican woman in America…we started out talking about Chiefs football and ended up talking about immigration….illegals …. and her family who came to America for a better life…worked for their citizenship…and became successful Mexican Americans….she had no affection or sympathy for illegals who sneak in to America and have to hide because they will not participate in the process of becoming legal.  She had some valid points.

Garage sale Day 2 tomorrow….

Until next time,,,,

I have something to say…

But currently I’m working through it.  I don’t have understanding right now.  This is why I journal…both privately and publically on ninasusan.com…For the most part, my private journaling is paragraph after paragraph of thoughts that either would not make sense to anyone else or would, quite frankly, piss them off….it may be a book someday.  This blog is a more polished version of what I think  I know to be true.  Sharing back and forth with others is like frosting on my cake.

I find clarity in meditation and journaling….clarity and healing….  I’m seeking understanding about love and friendships.  From somewhere deep within me, I’m realizing that in spite of the parenting I received, I was unconditionally loved by a grandparent from both sides of my family..maternal grandfather and paternal grandmother.  This has been life changing for me…the little girl who grew up believing that love had to be earned.

Through the years, I’ve had a few faulty relationships with friends and family.  I have worn myself out trying to figure out why some of these relationships don’t work….so I started to simply analyze the relationships that do work.  Here’s what I think….those who have grown up with unconditional love are able to love themselves and are free to share that love with friends and family.  It’s just who they are.  Those close to me who have the same vacant love history also have the need and capacity to love when we are connected with respect and “unconditional” friendship that blossoms….and one step further those who are unable to love themselves and have not learned to trust or respect others, for whatever reason, are satisfied with superficial friendships and just do not have the ability to form honest, trusting relationships?  

I guess my bottom line is I must stop trying to earn love and friendship.  Relationships need to have the right ingredients to form and grow and for me, negativity is not one of those ingredients.

Your turn, Please!

What Ninasusan believes…

  1. Marijuana should be legalized for medical and recreational use
  2. You are not taking my gun
  3. No more boots on the ground until every other option has failed
  4. Tighten security at the borders but make the path to citizenship attainable
  5. Failure to follow the path to citizenship, then by all means you are going back home
  6. Health care is a right not privilege
  7. Separation of church and state
  8. Affordable college tuition
  9. Lock up criminals..no early out and if that means building more prisons, then so be it. There must be a consequence for bad behavior….and see number 1
  10. News media needs a conscience
  11. Hold politicians accountable – morally vs lip service
  12. Abortion should be legal.  This is not a pro-abortion stance this is pro-choice. If you want abortion to be illegal, show up to help raise unwanted children and quit complaining about social programs
  13. There are evil people in every color
  14. Vote your conscience and not your political affiliation

Government is too big and involved in our lives; but, until we commence taking care of our own, it is a necessary EVIL!

….and another thing