Free will to make decisions, yes…actually being in control….no, not really.

I am a recovering control freak!  I’ve spent many years making firm decisions, manipulating situations and other people so that things could or would be done “correctly”.  There are few people that I willingly allowed dominance over me and usually this was accomplished by fellow manipulators….or perhaps I should include those who held a superior roll in my life…like bosses or parents.  I usually figured it out eventually.  When I look back on it, I don’t really regret my weaknesses because I learned the lessons and eventually recognized the signs.

Back in the day when I would adjust the TV Guides and remotes on the coffee table several times a day, become angry when things were not done the way I thought they should be done, I started realizing that this wasn’t about the TV Guide, etc at all.  It was actually a power move to have control over things I thought I COULD control….and these were very insignificant things when viewing the big picture.

I now see control as an illusion in order to protect ourselves.  My Kidney cancer diagnosis was one of those face slaps that brought reality to the forefront.  Bad things happen, relationships cease to function and sometimes….it’s just a fact….life does not always work out they way we demand and/or plan.  We have our hopes and dreams but the bottom line we must just react on a daily basis to life.  I’m finding that life is so much easier and peaceful when I don’t have carved in stone expectations of others or situations.  We don’t really control anything, we make wrong and right decisions based on the facts we are given.  Control freaks are difficult people and speaking from experience, I don’t think they are generally happy people…we are afraid of the unknown and I think we cause ourselves more grief when we are unwilling to just “roll with it”!

Until next time….