While on my meditative walk tonight, I realized that occasionally ….like tonight….I feel like I’m wearing some type of invisible armor. It’s not like I physically don this armor or perhaps more like bubble wrap…it’s just there. I feel safe, I like being with me.
I have 10 years of ninasusan blogs and many pages of less articulate screaming-in-my-head saved in my own personal diary…pages in spiral notebooks and on my computer….i was always attempting to find a reason why I felt like a victim all of the time …. why I was damaged…..why I couldn’t get my shit together and stop the angry voice! Searching, searching!
I THINK that only a handful of people in my life knew of my angst and hatefulness. I THINK I presented myself as confident, sane and loving. We never, ever know what hardships and heartaches our friends may be going through.
But the fact of the matter is this: if we are wallowing in our own self pity and not liking who we are deep down in our soul…our private stash of pain, it takes the DESIRE and self reflection to sort it out and seek the answers. No one is going to be able to fix me other than me. I heard so many times that you have to love yourself before you can love others…I always thought that sounded trite. I related it to loving the way I look…the societal view of outer physical beauty and I knew I would never get there. What I believe it really means is loving what is deep down there inside…what others can’t see….or they do see from our actions and words…we just don’t know they can see it.
One step at a time…casting out the demons…the envious, judgemental thoughts that we feel about others which manifests by the way we treat people mentally and verbally.
It’s a process….always a work in progress…listening to those people closest to us that have the guts to tell us the truth then listening to the dialogue in our head and then one day at a time…rephrasing that dialogue.
My thoughts about me tonight. I’m doing the work…the walk is uphill most of the time…but the occasional downhill peace of mind is love and inner peace.
Until next time….