That needle in a haystack…that feeling of loneliness that is like a thread with no knot that pulls through the eye of the needle?
I can’t really say I never recognized the loneliness…I know it has always been there but I’ve always given it a different name and excuse…but today, TODAY I had one of those revelations that will change me.
As an only child with older parents and with the only first cousins living 2 1\2 hours away with the youngest first cousin being 11 years my senior, I didn’t have the Facebook shared idyllic family….about siblings and cousins…but I had the absolute best neighborhood to grow up in. While so many of those neighborhood friends had siblings to share the disappointment of the street lights coming on in the summer signaling time to call it a day, for the most part I went in the house alone. But because I had Lennie (whose siblings were older and out of the house) and other neighbor kids my age, I didn’t really feel I was missing anything. The first holiday that I remembered I was a lonely, only child was when my bff roommate went camping on the 4th of July in the late 70s and I didn’t have the energy or the confidence to find something to do without her. I felt like everyone else had a fallback…there was always a sibling to glob onto.
I surrounded myself with friends who became family during my adult years. I married into a large family that I didn’t fit into when I thought a large family would be the answer to my loneliness! But, I always enjoyed deep and fulfilling friendships….unlike many of my sibling rich friends who are recovering from their own painful broken relationships with family.
It didn’t hit me until this morning that the silent grudge I held against my parents for not providing me with a perfect sibling nor the loneliness that I was positive I alone owned was all in my head…ego..totally controlled by what I THOUGHT was missing because I made it a thing! Had this life role I’m living played out differently, would I still feel lonely if I had blood siblings rather than my chosen friends who became family? I’m going to post this blog and then take a moment to breath into the reality that I am loved, I am exactly what I am supposed to be in this moment..because this is all there is…right here and right now.
Until next time….
sometimes we get so caught up in the drama and speed of our lives that we don’t remember, realize, recall just how lucky we are and how much we are loved, as well as, our capacity to spread our love around.
We spent a long weekend “back home” in Iowa. My heart was beating out of my chest Friday watching our youngest daughter as she worked with deaf kids participating in Iowa Baseball Camp for the deaf. Several players for the Iowa Cubs along with volunteer leaders and interpreters worked with the kids all week which culminated in the Friday morning game played on the field. The pure joy on the faces of the kids as they hit balls and ran the bases and watching the pure joy of the adult staff feeling the feels from the kids was a warm fuzzy!
Today, I spent the day with old friends and their family (because of who they are and how they love actually feels like my family)! We were there to celebrate the 25 th wedding anniversary of Mark and Denise…..Denise wearing black shirt.
The four of us are seldom all together but when we are, we fall back into rhythm and finish sentences we started last time we were together! I also snapped pics from their video of He and I at the wedding 25 years ago.
I’m proud to say I’m the one wearing the green dress with the large white bow in my hair 👀….. which begs an answer to the question…why did we wear big bows in our hair?
I am blessed, I am loved and I love!
until next time….
Back in the 60’s my mother was a legal secretary for a law firm in Des Moines. I was probably about 8 or 9 when Linda came into our lives as a high school girl hired to work part time in this law firm basically under the tutelage of my mother. Linda had a strong connection with my mother and visa versa. Linda came to our home – mom taught Linda how to make peanut brittle – Linda was part of the conversations I heard at home. My mother and I went to Linda’s parent’s home…lots of vague memories stored in my memory vault. Linda got married and left the law firm and my mother, for the most part, lost contact with Linda.
Those of you who know me or have read my blogs know that I had a very difficult childhood and adult relationship with my mother. Recently I started feeling strong and curious enough to start going through totes of papers, pictures, genealogy research that belonged to her. Today amongst a lot of very old family letters and pictures, I opened an envelope with pictures and a letter written by Linda to my mother in 1990. It was a catch up letter. I was immediately compelled to google her to see whatever happened to her….she is on FB and for some reason, I didn’t stop there, I friended her on FB and sent her a message on FB messenger introducing myself … which she answered immediately. She sent me her phone number and another higher power connection was made. This was a phone call of tears, laughter and incredible healing as I found her soul open, understanding and loving. My connection with her was immediate!
….and then here is the irony. When Linda found out where I lived, she mentioned that she was supposed to come to the Kansas City area last week to pick up a shih tzu dog from a breeder as Linda fosters, trains and places dogs with forever homes. But last week, the weather was cold and rainy and fortunately Linda came down with a bad head cold so she had to postpone the trip. Perhaps the story should read that because our energy had yet to connect, Linda had to postpone the trip until sometime later this month…and the absolute shocking detail is that the breeder lives 7 minutes from me in this town of 8,000 people. Now what do you make of that?
Linda and I will meet, I will give her a big hug and I will continue to tear up and feel the love and energy from this totally unexpected, unexplainable connection from our past.
Until next time….
I made a Facebook connection awhile back with a classmate of mine…if memory serves, we actually were classmates from kindergarten through graduation. I call him a classmate because we weren’t really friends….we knew each other and existed in the same world. We didn’t socialize or even, for the most part, share friends. So…I’m not really sure how we connected on Facebook…and the true bonus here is I also connected with his wife…a Facebook friendship I cherish but don’t understand.
The middle paragraph and middle part of this story is really a question: is there really some universe thing that connects peoples souls? some intuitive connection that brings together virtual strangers? The feeling that you have really known them all of your life….well, with Chuck, I guess I have known him for 56 years. This little mystery of human connection …. deeper human connection that just Hi, how is your day? “Have a good day” relationship. Are we brought together for a reason? It’s all such a mystery….
Bottom line…these connections, our lingering friendships and trusting others with the deepest parts of ourselves, inviting others to take a seat in our life….this the whipped cream on our pumpkin pie!
Until next time.
In Ankeny Iowa for a CT and appointment with ENT to figure out what is going on inside my head….sinus headache since mid August. Off and on now but the first couple of months were hell until I had the guts to put Braggs Apple cider vinegar in the neti pot which got things moving. I’ve found some other anti-inflammatory remedies but sharing only with a select audience.
Because I have to drive to Iowa for my health care due to only Iowa doctors and facilities are in network with my insurance….at least I have insurance…. I was able to spend the evening at Panera with childhood friends, Suzy and Lennie. I had no idea how much I needed to have some girls talk until the Hello Hugs in the parking lot. These two are in my small circle of long time friendships who offer love and acceptance with no judgement…..I guess we call that unconditional love. I feel very, very safe and loved when in the company of these friends!
……and then there is Brett….Brett’s been gone now for 7 years. I miss him everyday. Today is his 50th birthday….we will be at the stream next week and the soul of Bennett Spring will bring us together again! I posted this picture on FB this morning and it got me primed for the day….the short bouts of tears. So, Happy Birthday, Mr Hall….hahaha you would have been 50 😍
Until next time…..
I woke up peacefully this morning. I slept with the drapes over the open deck door wide open last night and the view overwhelmed me with contentment……I allowed myself the luxury of laying in bed drifting in and out of light dozing and soaking in the love and friendship of the girls weekend in Des Moines.
As fall weather starts the slow creep with cool overnight temperatures, I hope to wake each morning feeling love and peace and remove myself from the pain that seeps in during the day from the news of what is happening in our country. because I can’t physically do anything about the ugliness all around me, I will endeavor to combine my peacefulness and love collectively with other loving souls and send it quietly out into the universe. This will be a challenge to close myself off to the negative I allow to be fed to me. But, I will try.
Until next time…..
But currently I’m working through it. I don’t have understanding right now. This is why I journal…both privately and publically on ninasusan.com…For the most part, my private journaling is paragraph after paragraph of thoughts that either would not make sense to anyone else or would, quite frankly, piss them off….it may be a book someday. This blog is a more polished version of what I think I know to be true. Sharing back and forth with others is like frosting on my cake.
I find clarity in meditation and journaling….clarity and healing…. I’m seeking understanding about love and friendships. From somewhere deep within me, I’m realizing that in spite of the parenting I received, I was unconditionally loved by a grandparent from both sides of my family..maternal grandfather and paternal grandmother. This has been life changing for me…the little girl who grew up believing that love had to be earned.
Through the years, I’ve had a few faulty relationships with friends and family. I have worn myself out trying to figure out why some of these relationships don’t work….so I started to simply analyze the relationships that do work. Here’s what I think….those who have grown up with unconditional love are able to love themselves and are free to share that love with friends and family. It’s just who they are. Those close to me who have the same vacant love history also have the need and capacity to love when we are connected with respect and “unconditional” friendship that blossoms….and one step further those who are unable to love themselves and have not learned to trust or respect others, for whatever reason, are satisfied with superficial friendships and just do not have the ability to form honest, trusting relationships?
I guess my bottom line is I must stop trying to earn love and friendship. Relationships need to have the right ingredients to form and grow and for me, negativity is not one of those ingredients.
Your turn, Please!
Some people are just angry….and we encounter them everyday. Some people wouldn’t show anger if you set their hair on fire…..they would forgive you….or so it seems. Some people, which I believe are the majority fall right in the center…these people are forgiving but given the correct amount of flame can explode…even to the point of irrational anger. As a lifelong armchair psychologist, I’m fascinated with what makes people tick….and generally I make a human evaluation when I encounter someone who fits on either end of the arc, I wonder if they are happy and peaceful and satisfied with their life or are they screaming in their head on a daily basis? DO folks who live their lives red hot not understand there are ways to cool their emotions, perhaps the idea of self discovery and self evaluation never enters their mind….perhaps they are just who they are and have no desire to change. Maybe there was a particular time in their early life where they faced cruelty or violence and/or perhaps they could just have a mental health diagnosis.
……and with a lighter touch. There are people who have a free spirit…their life interaction with others manifests in peace and acceptance and tend to be positive and loving. Others have a deep groove of personal insecurity and must degrade and negatively bash others to make themselves feel secure. Do these personality types inwardly reflect and understand the hateful thread that ties their thoughts and life together?
Until next time…..
Well, we did it again! It was only two years ago when he and I and the him-in-law layed in the back of a pickup in a farm drive in the country so we could watch the Perseid meteor shower only to learn that it wasn’t right night.
We sat here last night until our necks ached and then I went out again after midnight because I refused to believe that we only saw 3! We were looking up and we didn’t blink. Before I went to sleep, I googled to make sure we had the right night and learned that best viewing is in the NE sky. We were looking up not northeast…can that really make a difference…and I answered myself – apparently!!
We are going to a Royals game tonight.
Surely once we get out of the city after the game, we will be dazzled. At least I’ll have on my sequined Royals cap so he will see flashes of light.
Its kind of like the week after Christmas…
Before the wedding our friends from Newton, Rod and Kim came for an overnight visit.
I was so looking forward to seeing them…then the weekend in Des Moines with family for the wedding and now I don’t know what to do with myself…sort of lonely. We took Baxter and Truman to the vet yesterday for their annual shots. Of course, true to form, Truman had to have a bath when we got home because the car ride stresses him out so much…at least he just peed in his carrier this time…oh…and Howled at the top of his lungs.
He is totally avoiding me today!
Tonight we have the Royals…and the stars!!!!
Until next time….