In Ankeny Iowa for a CT and appointment with ENT to figure out what is going on inside my head….sinus headache since mid August. Off and on now but the first couple of months were hell until I had the guts to put Braggs Apple cider vinegar in the neti pot which got things moving. I’ve found some other anti-inflammatory remedies but sharing only with a select audience.
Because I have to drive to Iowa for my health care due to only Iowa doctors and facilities are in network with my insurance….at least I have insurance…. I was able to spend the evening at Panera with childhood friends, Suzy and Lennie. I had no idea how much I needed to have some girls talk until the Hello Hugs in the parking lot. These two are in my small circle of long time friendships who offer love and acceptance with no judgement…..I guess we call that unconditional love. I feel very, very safe and loved when in the company of these friends!
……and then there is Brett….Brett’s been gone now for 7 years. I miss him everyday. Today is his 50th birthday….we will be at the stream next week and the soul of Bennett Spring will bring us together again! I posted this picture on FB this morning and it got me primed for the day….the short bouts of tears. So, Happy Birthday, Mr Hall….hahaha you would have been 50 😍
Until next time…..
I woke up peacefully this morning. I slept with the drapes over the open deck door wide open last night and the view overwhelmed me with contentment……I allowed myself the luxury of laying in bed drifting in and out of light dozing and soaking in the love and friendship of the girls weekend in Des Moines.
As fall weather starts the slow creep with cool overnight temperatures, I hope to wake each morning feeling love and peace and remove myself from the pain that seeps in during the day from the news of what is happening in our country. because I can’t physically do anything about the ugliness all around me, I will endeavor to combine my peacefulness and love collectively with other loving souls and send it quietly out into the universe. This will be a challenge to close myself off to the negative I allow to be fed to me. But, I will try.
Until next time…..
But currently I’m working through it. I don’t have understanding right now. This is why I journal…both privately and publically on ninasusan.com…For the most part, my private journaling is paragraph after paragraph of thoughts that either would not make sense to anyone else or would, quite frankly, piss them off….it may be a book someday. This blog is a more polished version of what I think I know to be true. Sharing back and forth with others is like frosting on my cake.
I find clarity in meditation and journaling….clarity and healing…. I’m seeking understanding about love and friendships. From somewhere deep within me, I’m realizing that in spite of the parenting I received, I was unconditionally loved by a grandparent from both sides of my family..maternal grandfather and paternal grandmother. This has been life changing for me…the little girl who grew up believing that love had to be earned.
Through the years, I’ve had a few faulty relationships with friends and family. I have worn myself out trying to figure out why some of these relationships don’t work….so I started to simply analyze the relationships that do work. Here’s what I think….those who have grown up with unconditional love are able to love themselves and are free to share that love with friends and family. It’s just who they are. Those close to me who have the same vacant love history also have the need and capacity to love when we are connected with respect and “unconditional” friendship that blossoms….and one step further those who are unable to love themselves and have not learned to trust or respect others, for whatever reason, are satisfied with superficial friendships and just do not have the ability to form honest, trusting relationships?
I guess my bottom line is I must stop trying to earn love and friendship. Relationships need to have the right ingredients to form and grow and for me, negativity is not one of those ingredients.
Your turn, Please!
Some people are just angry….and we encounter them everyday. Some people wouldn’t show anger if you set their hair on fire…..they would forgive you….or so it seems. Some people, which I believe are the majority fall right in the center…these people are forgiving but given the correct amount of flame can explode…even to the point of irrational anger. As a lifelong armchair psychologist, I’m fascinated with what makes people tick….and generally I make a human evaluation when I encounter someone who fits on either end of the arc, I wonder if they are happy and peaceful and satisfied with their life or are they screaming in their head on a daily basis? DO folks who live their lives red hot not understand there are ways to cool their emotions, perhaps the idea of self discovery and self evaluation never enters their mind….perhaps they are just who they are and have no desire to change. Maybe there was a particular time in their early life where they faced cruelty or violence and/or perhaps they could just have a mental health diagnosis.
……and with a lighter touch. There are people who have a free spirit…their life interaction with others manifests in peace and acceptance and tend to be positive and loving. Others have a deep groove of personal insecurity and must degrade and negatively bash others to make themselves feel secure. Do these personality types inwardly reflect and understand the hateful thread that ties their thoughts and life together?
Until next time…..
Well, we did it again! It was only two years ago when he and I and the him-in-law layed in the back of a pickup in a farm drive in the country so we could watch the Perseid meteor shower only to learn that it wasn’t right night.
We sat here last night until our necks ached and then I went out again after midnight because I refused to believe that we only saw 3! We were looking up and we didn’t blink. Before I went to sleep, I googled to make sure we had the right night and learned that best viewing is in the NE sky. We were looking up not northeast…can that really make a difference…and I answered myself – apparently!!
We are going to a Royals game tonight.
Surely once we get out of the city after the game, we will be dazzled. At least I’ll have on my sequined Royals cap so he will see flashes of light.
Its kind of like the week after Christmas…
Before the wedding our friends from Newton, Rod and Kim came for an overnight visit.
I was so looking forward to seeing them…then the weekend in Des Moines with family for the wedding and now I don’t know what to do with myself…sort of lonely. We took Baxter and Truman to the vet yesterday for their annual shots. Of course, true to form, Truman had to have a bath when we got home because the car ride stresses him out so much…at least he just peed in his carrier this time…oh…and Howled at the top of his lungs.
He is totally avoiding me today!
Tonight we have the Royals…and the stars!!!!
Until next time….