Who knew this would creep up on me….

Today I’m easily irritated.  Not feeling overly great…Just below mid-sternum I have a muscle that causes me great pain when I do some things.  I have no idea what those some things are going to be.  And if I continue doing those things for 1/2 second I get a pulling, tearing type pain that pisses me off so much I have to reach up and be sure there is no gas exiting my ears….having taken a U turn because it could not get out the correct exit route.

My pain pills have become worthless for this pain for some reason……and my absolutely perfect him…aka the pill nazi…seems to be having a cannot compute day because logically – this is suppose to happen and this is supposed to happen…and it isn’t happening.  I know he is trying to save me from myself but today should have been one of those days I lock myself in the bedroom with the internet and TV remote and stew in my own juices.

So…I’m cancer free….I didn’t expect this short fuse to anger…Here’s my table next to the davenport in the living room.

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I watched nearly a whole season of of Grace and Frankie on Netflix…I sat outside and appreciated the beauty of my flowers.

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I sat on the deck and watched the peacefulness of the geese.

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and in an hour I was back inside because of rain and wind.

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That’s been my day…now my daughter has just suggested I might need to take some xanax.

Until next time…

10 thoughts on “Who knew this would creep up on me….

  1. I read your little ditty on true detective and remember now. After midnight last night I started Bloodline…true detective is next

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  2. If you’re into marathon TV series watching, you might try “True Detective”. Last week I watched the first episode and I ended up finishing season one – eight episodes. It was some of the best written TV I have watched in ages.

    Not sure what your pain meds are (oxycodone maybe), but it has been my experience that when they wear off, there is an abrupt period of grouchiness.

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  3. Hi Nina! I had a partial open kidney removal, so my incision was very long. It has been 4 years, but I still view my life as pre-kidney-cancer and post-kidney-cancer. They sent me home with Tylonal 3s after 4 nights of no sleeping in the hospital… Anyway. I am so happy you have come out on the other side. It is good to be home from the hospital. Go easy on yourself!

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    • Only Tylenol. Oh my goodness…better woman than I am. Thanks for kind words. It feels soon much better mentally to be on this side! Have you had any treatment since the removal or did they get it all contained in the kidney?

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      • Hello again, I was lucky, it was contained. My symptom was a lot of blood [A LOT!] in my urine Dec 2010. I had my surgery in March, 3 months later. You seemed so much calmer than I. My surgery was open, so my incision was very long. Each Doctor does it different. I have yearly appointments now, with an ultrasound and lung x-ray. I have to say though, that my cancer experience really changed me. Although I did not have treatment, it was life-altering. Also, because I didn’t have treatment aside from surgery, my cancer and kidney cancer in general is treated as a physical problem, and your mental state is completely overlooked. so the anger, depression, panic, anxiety, all are faced alone. I joined some cancer blogs and the Kidney Cancer canada website.

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  4. Dear Nina whom I adore, people with cancer seem to generally go through some anger times. Cancer bites big hairy balls and now that you are through the surgery and can breathe for a moment I think it’s possible you are able to feel good and pissed off at what the bastard has put you through.
    Or you’re just in a lot of pain and that makes even the saintliest person a bit testy.
    If you ever need someone to scream at and or commiserate with you know how to find me.

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    • I think it is a guilt thing all wrapped around the whole thing. I am cancer free and should be celebrating not feeling pissed off. It creeped up on me. I think it is a combination of the pain and letting the guard down that I erected 3 months ago to keep me happy and healthy!!!

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  5. sending you positive thoughts and support; those flowers and the deck-view are amazing; I hope your pain will subsidize soon..

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