I’ve always been confused because I feel intimidated and embarrassed when I recognize those tears of emotion bubbling up. Its a societal taboo … a very unhealthy teaching learned at an early age..DON’T BE A CRY BABY. I believe that in my situation, I learned not to cry in front of a parent who was not always stable so I would appear strong. I thought I needed to appear fearless.
I read a very helpful opinion from The Tiny Buddha this morning. Here’s the article
It is exactly what I needed to read at the moment. Funny how that happens.
What I am learning so many decades later is when emotions are avoided, the feelings don’t go away but are just saved in a box somewhere in the soul. Each time we avoid feeling the feels, the contents of the box continue to grow until it bursts apart and we feel like we are falling apart. Often the reaction manifests as anger..blowing up…head blowing open…words are said…feelings are hurt…there is guilt..into the guilt box goes that emotion.
What I’m learning is to feel the emotion. When my nose starts to tingle and I feel the liquid love in my eyes, I’m allowing myself to take that moment… I need to take this call of emotion right now. I don’t want it go to voicemail because eventually that box will be full. I will feel overwhelmed which will bring on another emotion that I will stuff in yet another overflowing box.
Just feel when its time to feel. We were delivered with this emotional release…for most of us, it is the very first emotional explosion that followed our entry into this lifetime.
We picked up our taxes this morning….the fact that we both had to be there to pick them up irritated me to no end especially since we have nothing else to do. On the way up to this “other town”, I was able to bring forth all of the angst and non angst of my 46 year “filing tax history” and how much better it always was. The one that really stuck in my craw which made me feel the best to bitch about was the fact that in years past, our attorney would do our taxes, file our taxes, mail the paper copies to us and I would send him a check. It really felt so good to be justified in my anger.
We also discussed the fact that a brand new convenience store is going in at an intersection near us. He mentioned how it will be difficult to get in and out of this convenience store because of the amount of traffic on the highway. We did feel a little better when we realized that there was a stop light at one of the egress routes but we have heard people bitching that you have to sit at that light for 10 minutes. Which we haven’t experienced but it sure felt good to feel justified in our beliefs.
Then there’s last year. The Missouri D0T had to close the main highway between us and civilization aka Lee’s Summit for a month so they could dig it up, regrade and resurface. This meant, for me, I had to go one of several different routes to get to those frequent destinations. This month long inconvenience nearly ruined my life.
…and then I realized how low my vibrations were this morning. Living in the past, talking about all of these insignificant events like they were happening now was a symptom of choosing irritation and hatred over calm and gratitude. It was not until I honed in on my thought process and how I was feeling that I realized how long I had just spent feeling angry and feeling like a victim. I will not let this seep into anymore of my day. So…a minute of deep breathing and positive, grateful affirmation.
I grew up with a “hurt” mother…she spent 53 years mentally hurting me. After several therapy sessions and a lifetime of turmoil and guilt about how I felt about my mother, someone told me that hurt people hurt others. 4 little words that gave me profound understanding. I worked 30 years as a 911 dispatcher…it’s ironic that the skills I learned to deal with my mother aided me in being a compassionate and caring dispatcher. MOST OF THE TIME. It also fed my cynical nature that people are just shit! Seriously! In spite of frequent verbal abuse, I learned how to take it and be firm but also kind.
These experiences taught me from childhood to retirement that people treat you better when you are kind. Better being an operative word. There are a lot of angry and “hurt” people out there. Many would not define themselves as hurt…they are just tired of perceived shit. So they are angry at everyone else and I’m sure many of them haven’t the slightest idea that they need to go into themselves and find out where it all comes from…all of the pain, years of being slighted, years of never being good enough, perhaps years of physical or mental abuse.
I have found that when I am around “hurt” people, it does no good to repay anger with anger. It is much easier to just remove myself physically and mentally and be kind. I used to think just being kind when being treated badly just caused me to be a doormat for others to wipe their feet on. I realize that is only the case if I get caught up in the mistreatment and allow it to continue. If I walk away AND release the negative emotion I’m feeling, I will not become an angry and cynical being. We can always be kind.
Until next time….
Because of my upbringing which I can sum up as do what you are told, no need to have a mind of your own because this is what you believe and this is what you will do, it took me a long time to realize that I was going to begin stepping out in my own direction. I still followed rules and, for the most part, laws, but I learned through experience that if you continue doing what you’ve always done and think with the same mind you used before, then you will have the exact same outcome. BUT…if you pay attention to nuances (which I now call intuition), speak with respect, do your homework and intelligently defend your case, then sometimes rules will be changed. I also learned that if the rules don’t change, you can either suck it up and follow the rules which MAY be the appropriate behavior or more likely for me, I would get mad…scream and holler in my head …. then organize like- minded individuals and go at it again…. being sure to attach some negative emotion to it so that in 20 or more years later, similar emotions about similar situations can rise up and before you know it you are overwhelmed in anger and hatred and vengeance which will probably be overblown for the situation…ie:road rage. There are many years and many experiences that have occurred before which exploded this workable problem into a full blown battle in your head. When they rise up, you will be reacting and responding the way you did 20 or more years ago to a completely different situation….the cycle just continues throughout life.
What did I just read or hear the other day..something to the effect….you can’t fix a problem with the same mind that created it.
My opinion as to the answer is not going to come from me in a 3 paragraph blog, or quite frankly, from me at all…I’m learning and all I can really share is what got me from there to where I am now sharing my thoughts on my blog, but I will credit the PRACTICE of meditation, the book Mastery of Self by Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr…his daddy wrote the Four Agreements, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer or A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.
Until next time…
I’ve spent the last 48+ hours ingesting everything negative and evil in the world. I’ve become VENGEFUL. I was hoping this morning that I would open up the IPAD and find that France had blown to smithereens more ISIS locations in northern Syria. I was hoping that the French and Belgium police had taken out a neighborhood of ISIS radicals in their own countries. My heart is seeking revenge. I’m way too caught up in it. I’m backing away for my own health. I know what anxiety, anger and frustration do to the soul and the body. I pushed a cat off of the davenport this morning in my frustration. I feel like I am an addict. I’m angry that the jihadist are still breathing the same earth air that I’m breathing. I want them stopped and I want them stopped right now. I find myself wanting to drop a bomb on the Syria – wipe it out. I’ve become them.
So I’m backing away.
I’m going to attempt meditation to find a normal, peaceful place. I have to shut it down. I don’t like the way it makes me feel.
I’ll let you know how this works.
Until next time…..
Today I’m easily irritated. Not feeling overly great…Just below mid-sternum I have a muscle that causes me great pain when I do some things. I have no idea what those some things are going to be. And if I continue doing those things for 1/2 second I get a pulling, tearing type pain that pisses me off so much I have to reach up and be sure there is no gas exiting my ears….having taken a U turn because it could not get out the correct exit route.
My pain pills have become worthless for this pain for some reason……and my absolutely perfect him…aka the pill nazi…seems to be having a cannot compute day because logically – this is suppose to happen and this is supposed to happen…and it isn’t happening. I know he is trying to save me from myself but today should have been one of those days I lock myself in the bedroom with the internet and TV remote and stew in my own juices.
So…I’m cancer free….I didn’t expect this short fuse to anger…Here’s my table next to the davenport in the living room.
I watched nearly a whole season of of Grace and Frankie on Netflix…I sat outside and appreciated the beauty of my flowers.
I sat on the deck and watched the peacefulness of the geese.
and in an hour I was back inside because of rain and wind.
That’s been my day…now my daughter has just suggested I might need to take some xanax.
Until next time…
For the most part, it is safe to say that my overblown reaction to some of the people who continuously call for police assistance ie. 8 year old who won’t go to bed, SERIOUSLY. My ??? is harrassing me by calling me on the phone, DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE, THEY WILL GET TIRED OF THE RING. So and so and I are getting a divorce and he/she is trying to take my car, DO YOU HAVE A DIVORCE DECREE…no…IS THE CAR REGISTERED TO BOTH OF YOU..yes but I’m making the payments…DO YOU HAVE AN ATTORNEY…no…HAVE YOU FILED FOR DIVORCE…well, no. (Will you be back together before the week is up)? (can’t ask that one)…anyway, my total irritation at these people is genuine but perhaps a bit blown up because they bring out the same emotions I used to feel when Helen would call for the 3rd time in one night because she couldn’t get the remote to work and we won’t show her how…ARE YOU KIDDING ME, RESENTMENT, RESENTMENT, RESENTMENT. My today problem makes me feel like my head is going to blow off this much * * which actually triggers the much more dramatic reaction to Helen which was this much
To go along with that, I learned that eating and sex are the two pleasurable activities that have remained in us thru eons of evolution. Unfortunately in order to soften my anger during an explosive event, I think about eating because it gives me pleasure. I guess at work, eating is okay…having sex everytime I got pissed might be frowned upon…but I’d be popular 🙂
This was a huge breakthru…does this help anyone else or am I just a dunce who never thought about connections like this?
Until next time….