Right now is the only moment I have

Because of my upbringing which I can sum up as do what you are told, no need to have a mind of your own because this is what you believe and this is what you will do, it took me a long time to realize that I was going to begin stepping out in my own direction. I still followed rules and, for the most part, laws, but I learned through experience that if you continue doing what you’ve always done and think with the same mind you used before, then you will have the exact same outcome. BUT…if you pay attention to nuances (which I now call intuition), speak with respect, do your homework and intelligently defend your case, then sometimes rules will be changed. I also learned that if the rules don’t change, you can either suck it up and follow the rules which MAY be the appropriate behavior or more likely for me, I would get mad…scream and holler in my head …. then organize like- minded individuals and go at it again…. being sure to attach some negative emotion to it so that in 20 or more years later, similar emotions about similar situations can rise up and before you know it you are overwhelmed in anger and hatred and vengeance which will probably be overblown for the situation…ie:road rage. There are many years and many experiences that have occurred before which exploded this workable problem into a full blown battle in your head. When they rise up, you will be reacting and responding the way you did 20 or more years ago to a completely different situation….the cycle just continues throughout life.

What did I just read or hear the other day..something to the effect….you can’t fix a problem with the same mind that created it.

My opinion as to the answer is not going to come from me in a 3 paragraph blog, or quite frankly, from me at all…I’m learning and all I can really share is what got me from there to where I am now sharing my thoughts on my blog, but I will credit the PRACTICE of meditation, the book Mastery of Self by Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr…his daddy wrote the Four Agreements, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer or A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.

Until next time…

Watching videos of puppies and kitties for my health

I’ve spent the last 48+ hours ingesting everything negative and evil in the world.  I’ve become VENGEFUL.  I was hoping this morning that I would open up the IPAD and find that France had blown to smithereens more ISIS locations in northern Syria.  I was hoping that the French and Belgium police had taken out a neighborhood of ISIS radicals in their own countries.  My heart is seeking revenge.  I’m way too caught up in it.  I’m backing away for my own health. I know what anxiety, anger and frustration do to the soul and the body. I pushed a cat off of the davenport this morning in my frustration.  I feel like I am an addict.  I’m angry that the jihadist are still breathing the same earth air that I’m breathing.  I want them stopped and I want them stopped right now.  I find myself wanting to drop a bomb on the Syria – wipe it out.   I’ve become them.

So I’m backing away.

I’m going to attempt meditation to find a normal, peaceful place.  I have to shut it down.  I don’t like the way it makes me feel.

I’ll let you know how this works.

Until next time…..

Who knew this would creep up on me….

Today I’m easily irritated.  Not feeling overly great…Just below mid-sternum I have a muscle that causes me great pain when I do some things.  I have no idea what those some things are going to be.  And if I continue doing those things for 1/2 second I get a pulling, tearing type pain that pisses me off so much I have to reach up and be sure there is no gas exiting my ears….having taken a U turn because it could not get out the correct exit route.

My pain pills have become worthless for this pain for some reason……and my absolutely perfect him…aka the pill nazi…seems to be having a cannot compute day because logically – this is suppose to happen and this is supposed to happen…and it isn’t happening.  I know he is trying to save me from myself but today should have been one of those days I lock myself in the bedroom with the internet and TV remote and stew in my own juices.

So…I’m cancer free….I didn’t expect this short fuse to anger…Here’s my table next to the davenport in the living room.

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I watched nearly a whole season of of Grace and Frankie on Netflix…I sat outside and appreciated the beauty of my flowers.

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I sat on the deck and watched the peacefulness of the geese.

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and in an hour I was back inside because of rain and wind.

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That’s been my day…now my daughter has just suggested I might need to take some xanax.

Until next time…

What I learned yesterday…

For the most part, it is safe to say that my overblown reaction to some of the people who continuously call for police assistance ie.  8 year old who won’t go to bed, SERIOUSLY.  My ??? is harrassing me by calling me on the phone, DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE, THEY WILL GET TIRED OF THE RING.  So and so and I are getting a divorce and he/she is trying to take my car, DO YOU HAVE A DIVORCE DECREE…no…IS THE CAR REGISTERED TO BOTH OF YOU..yes but I’m making the payments…DO YOU HAVE AN ATTORNEY…no…HAVE YOU FILED FOR DIVORCE…well, no.  (Will you be back together before the week is up)?  (can’t ask that one)…anyway, my total irritation at these people is genuine but perhaps a bit blown up because they bring out the same emotions I used to feel when Helen would call for the 3rd time in one night because she couldn’t get the remote to work and we won’t show her how…ARE YOU KIDDING ME, RESENTMENT, RESENTMENT, RESENTMENT.  My today problem makes me feel like my head is going to blow off this much *     *  which actually  triggers the much more dramatic reaction to Helen which was this much
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To go along with that, I learned that eating and sex are the two pleasurable activities that have remained in us thru eons of evolution.  Unfortunately in order to soften my anger during an explosive event, I think about eating because it gives me pleasure.  I guess at work, eating is okay…having sex everytime I got pissed might be frowned upon…but I’d be popular 🙂

This was a huge breakthru…does this help anyone else or am I just a dunce who never thought about connections like this?

Until next time….