Stuck on age

Mentally I’m finding myself in a different place.  I’ve not been one of those people who has REALLY been bothered by my age.  Every Birthday since probably 45, I’ve thought I can’t believe I’m fill in the blank  years old….and then I move on.  Until I turned   60.  (And that was before my birthday this past March).  I’m not sure what happened.  I’ve never felt old…I’m a pretty young looking 61 year old thanks to good genetics…not because I’ve taken care of myself.  Mortality frequently creeps into my thinking. Mortality as in wasting a lot of time wondering when I’m going to die.  It could be the fact that I know that the dreaded cancer has been in my body.  More to the point I had kidney cancer and had no idea it was growing in there.  No symptoms just BOOM and by the way, we found a mass on your kidney.  I guess I’m more aware of the fact that I can be rolling along thinking I’m healthy and young at heart and the find out it’s gotcha.  I’ve read several articles explaining that it takes a cancer survivor several years to heal from the mental agony.

Watching the Stayin’ Alive Bee Gees tribute tonight I wanted to dance…I wondered how I could learn to move and dance the modern way and not the 70s way.  I want to dance and go to concerts and let my hair down.  I want to get something pierced, I want to do something a little daring, I want to drive with the window down and annoy someone at a stop light with my loud music, I want to wear glitter and bling.  I can do it because I don’t care what strangers think but I do keep myself in check because I do care what those who know me think.  Every day I get closer to being bolder…mentally……closer to just being who I want to be…and then there is that reality check with my age…I’ve always been reasonably predictable and responsible…if I’m going to break the rules I’d better be doing it pretty soon or time may run out and I’ll die never having been wild and crazy and flamboyant.

Until next time…..

4 thoughts on “Stuck on age

  1. Enjoy what you can, while you can. A couple years ago, my tastes started changing and I stopped liking some of my favorite comfort foods. It sounds stupid, but I grieved. To me, death is the inability to enjoy things. Go crazy for as long as it feels good.

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  2. You got a start with the pink (purple?) streaks in your hair. πŸ™‚ Personally, I think do what you want. The ppl that know you will think, ‘that’s Nina”
    I’m not famboyant. But sometimes when I get dressed, I look in the mirror and think, ‘well there’s a frumpy old woman, my cousins would think I’m finally respectable’. And then I go change my clothes!
    Age never bothered me either. Maybe it helps when you do look younger than other ppl your age. But then the lines start to show up, and gravity. I’m closer to 60 than 50 and for some reason that does bother me. I try to be all cool and accepting, but it’s not as easy as other ages. Because I’m SEEing the differences I think. So mortality does creep in and I know so many ppl, just ike you, who were happily rolling along and than BAM, cancer. Or ALS, Or heart attack…And as someone who smoked for years and years….watch the commercials, and think well that damage is done, that ship has sailed and why put on those stupid commercials? Just to put it in the the front of our minds that yep, you are Doooooomed. Life is scary. But piercings and bling isn’t. Go for it. Dance! ) Hey at least you’ll give them something to remember when you’re gone. πŸ˜€

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