Mentally I’m finding myself in a different place. I’ve not been one of those people who has REALLY been bothered by my age. Every Birthday since probably 45, I’ve thought I can’t believe I’m fill in the blank years old….and then I move on. Until I turned 60. (And that was before my birthday this past March). I’m not sure what happened. I’ve never felt old…I’m a pretty young looking 61 year old thanks to good genetics…not because I’ve taken care of myself. Mortality frequently creeps into my thinking. Mortality as in wasting a lot of time wondering when I’m going to die. It could be the fact that I know that the dreaded cancer has been in my body. More to the point I had kidney cancer and had no idea it was growing in there. No symptoms just BOOM and by the way, we found a mass on your kidney. I guess I’m more aware of the fact that I can be rolling along thinking I’m healthy and young at heart and the find out it’s gotcha. I’ve read several articles explaining that it takes a cancer survivor several years to heal from the mental agony.
Watching the Stayin’ Alive Bee Gees tribute tonight I wanted to dance…I wondered how I could learn to move and dance the modern way and not the 70s way. I want to dance and go to concerts and let my hair down. I want to get something pierced, I want to do something a little daring, I want to drive with the window down and annoy someone at a stop light with my loud music, I want to wear glitter and bling. I can do it because I don’t care what strangers think but I do keep myself in check because I do care what those who know me think. Every day I get closer to being bolder…mentally……closer to just being who I want to be…and then there is that reality check with my age…I’ve always been reasonably predictable and responsible…if I’m going to break the rules I’d better be doing it pretty soon or time may run out and I’ll die never having been wild and crazy and flamboyant.
Until next time…..