My friends are like a variety pack of snack chips. They come in all sizes, age, ethnicity, gay, straight, conservative, liberal, atheist, spiritual and “religious” and gender. The friends that make up my short list…will call them the besties…for the most part, have similar beliefs that I do. I think it would be safe to say that the besties would not be on that list if we didn’t co-exist in the same galaxy. As the list lengthens out, friends tend to fall into other categories. For instance, friends that have different political views, or religious/spiritual views. If I know that we have differences of opinion, I avoid conversations that may migrate into these differences of opinion. I respect the fact that we are going to disagree and a war is not going to be won during one of these conversations.
Then there are the friends that I know superficially. Basically, I like something about them and enjoy their company for what ever reason…similar interest, good personality, nice teeth…and then they blow it up with a comment that tells me who they are….it can be an aggressive political or religious belief or I immediately label them as bigots. I generally back off from these people…I am still friendly in a social situation…but I avoid being in a social situation with them. WIth that being said. I also do not call them out or tell them I disagree with them. I’ve never had one of these confrontations work out well. I’ve found when it gets to this level of the relationship, I usually end up putting my anger in Drive and the rest is history. I’m a lot more articulate when I’m pissed!
I’ve recently been confronted with one of these people. I did not express my opinion other than to let them know I’m on the other side of the coin. But, I did not defend my position or defend the person(s) they were making fun of. And I feel guilty. Does my silence on the matter equal acceptance…or does every one of these conversations demand a response. Confrontation makes me uncomfortable in the negative/positive part of my soul so I normally just back away.
Is my inner dialogue of detesting what this person stands for enough? I really want to know what you think!
Until next time!
Ninasusan 
A tough one! Because unless they’re open to having a real conversation–not just defending views–the convo does no good. And yet, I’m with you–I don’t want people thinking I’m ok with nastiness.
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This is a huge issue for me. If I engage, am I stooping to their level? If I don’t, am I being irresponsible?
I once belonged to a super conservative church. There was this older guy, real asshole. He would even interrupt his own son who guest preached sometimes. I disagreed with him on basically everything. Sometimes I spoke up and then felt like I had lowered myself to his level. Other times I didn’t and found out that others assumed I agreed with him because I did not vocalize my disagreement. “See, Cindy agrees with him!” I felt like I was in a no-win situation and left that church. This guy wasn’t the only reason I left, but he was a bigger part than he will ever know.
There is no good answer.
Maybe the answer lies in how much you would want someone to defend you, if the shoe was on the other foot.
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Interesting question. I have some experience with a couple of aspergers kids who were picked on by adults. Other adults did not stand up. I was so appalled that if it’s something like that, a personal attack, I stand up every time because that’s when I feel like silence is condoning it. But that’s probably not what you’re talking about. I agree with everything you said above. But most of us know where the others stand. Respect is sometimes just shutting up. I have a very conservative Trump lover cousin. We were at a dinner this weekend, he said to his sister sitting next to me, “Boy our president is sure getting beat up.” She looked at him and said “Just don’t.” Silence for a few seconds, I think he was annoyed. I laughed and said, “Well, I’ll converse if you want.” Laughter and the subject was dropped. I mean he was asking for it. It’s not like he didn’t know. Normally there isn’t any good reason to get into it. But there are times when it’s called for and let the chips fall where they may. If someone, knowing my ex dIL, mother of my gandchildren and who I will always love like a daughter, starts some anti gay shit, they’re gonna hear it from me, Idc who they are. But that’s personal and what I consider a personal attack. If they start talking abortion, I’ll probably not say anything. Unless they are dumb enough to keep spouting just to be idiots. I guess we all have to decide where we can live with that line we won’t cross.
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I don’t think remaining silent makes you complicit in any way and their beliefs or what they support, but it’s really all about what can you personally live with at the end of the day. I tend to run and hide from confrontation but I think if I were in a situation where the rubber had to meet the road I would probably have to stand my own personal ground. Things like that can actually be a deal-breaker in terms of lasting friendship, but generally if it’s not somebody that I’m terribly close to anyway I just don’t bother.
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