I can’t believe at 61 years of age, I’m just figuring some things out. I guess not all at once, I’ve turned a lot of corners along the way and with each new path I think ahhhhh…I think I have this journey figured out.
It came to me tonight that I project my feelings or my guilt onto him….and perhaps that is why he is often shocked when I “ask his permission” to think or do what I want to do or think. I think what I’m figuring out is he is not thinking AT ALL what I think he is thinking. I know that this is the way I was raised. This was not verbalized specifically but I frequently heard from my mother that…your dad won’t like if I do this or go there. Perhaps in their marriage this, in fact, was true. But in my daily lessons in life, I learned to be a people pleaser and in a deeper way, I think I adopted this mentality….and to go a step further the pressure I put on myself to be worthy or to be good enough is nothing other than what I project on people….. what I think is expected of me.
This was a shocking slap to my psych tonight as we were doing our nightly ritual. He was headed to bed at 10:30 as usual, I was in the bedroom making sure everything was off the bed and my earplugs would be easy to find in the dark. I was mildly internally angry, as I am ever night, because I was having a dialogue in my head…I suppose I should go to bed so I can get up earlier but I want to stay up…I should be able to stay up if I want to just like he can go to bed before I’m ready…BOOM…he has never once told me that he wished we had the same bedtime or wake up time….this was all me….. all me reacting to what I thought or projected what I thought he was thinking. And there it is…another cloud or in my case severe thunderstorm has passed.
Until next time…..