My only concern for getting off the meds revolved around the withdrawal and whether 15 years of doctors and the pharmaceutical propaganda that I could have a serotonin problem and would have to figure out how to force myself to find other means of coping with the “disease” while laying on the floor in a heap of used tissues. That was it! What if I’m really depressed and fail!!
What I didn’t prepare for was ….as my daughter put it last night….welcome to the world of normal emotions.
Thankfully, the bedrock emotion for me is love and thankfulness! But this weekend, I have been all over the place. From incredible love and thankfulness and vulnerability with my sister-in-law, friend, rock, Gena to hot, Annie-get-your-gun rage when my IPAD started acting up, to being totally contented watching a 54 minute video on YouTube of a stylist precision cutting a woman’s hair into a Claire from House Of Cards style.
I graduated with honors from the university of People Pleasing. I know how to act and what I need to do or say to be liked or even loved…but what no one knew except me was that I was NUMB. My happy/sad meter didn’t move very much in my head.
NOW is now. I need to learn how to accept criticism and learn from it, how to channel real joy, sadness and anger. SItting on the couch 14 hours a day finding things to focus on to occupy me is not the way to live a full life. I’m now going to focus on learning to channel my emotions, gett off my ass and live.
A friend of mine was relating this morning her journey in detoxing from a mind numbing Med. I told her this journey has shown me that I am, indeed, a strong woman. I survived one of the hardest things I have ever attempted.
Until next time….