The last 6 months or after Christmas, I started slipping into an internal fear/unsettled/down mood. I think it had to do a lot with his heart attack and bypass surgery…that feeling of none of us really being immortal. With what we had been through in 2015, I didn’t feel I Was too far off the mark and everyone would probably feel the same way. I lost some of my joy. With a diagnosis of cancer, I wonder if everything really ever goes back to normal…like when my dad died everything was remembered as before dad died and after dad died. Now I have a different benchmark…before cancer diagnosis and after cancer diagnosis.
Complicate that with some differing opinions about some lung nodules found on earlier CT scans. Very small nodules. The hospital doctors said they were so small that she wouldn’t have even had them checked….another doctor says we need to keep an eye on them. The urologist told me that he was very confident that if the nodules were anything, they would not be metasticized cancer because he was sure he got it all with the kidney. but the fear is always there.
Wednesday was my just-over-a-year cancer check….everything is good. Dr office called this morning to confirm the CT scan was clear, lung X Ray was good and blood tests were normal.
I look at this as permission to get on with it. Live today like,there is no tomorrow and repeat.
Until next time…..