I seem to be back in the early years of the new century….to be less dramatic..back to the past decade. I’m angry. Perhaps I can say a bit irrationally angry…when I Felt this starting to come on a month ago, I tried to throw some fake sugar on it and I had an illusion that I could just meditate or participate in activities that satisfy me…watching tv and reading…..and it would magically go away. Poof. The longer I tried to avoid my true feelings the worse I felt. I would rather feel content and peaceful to resentment and being pissed off. Trust me. I worked on getting my feelings down on paper and out of my mind. Not just Ninasusan.com but writing things down for my eyes only. Not working.
I talked to my soul sister Saturday night until 2 am. This type of therapy usually works. Getting it out, talking to someone I trust, getting the ugliness out of me. I did feel a little cleansed or loved or not alone or whatever the feeling was. But I came to the conclusion yesterday morning that these feelings are not dissolving because I need to deal with “something”?
Today, I’m dealing with the angers of all of the medical stuff that happened in 2015. With each event, I went to my coping place, my peaceful place in order to survive. I did not allow myself to feel angry about my cancer, his heart attack and the bad health luck of those very close to me. I figured out this morning that the anger and helplessness is the same overwhelming, lack of control feelings I had in the last decade with my required care of my crazy mother and crazy aunt and the stress from my job and other family issues. Because I’m a good girl, I stuffed my anger deep, deep down and did what I Was supposed to do. That bruise has been bumped several times and now it hurts again. So, here we go again…define it…accept it, deal with it and get on with it. Hopefully it will be easier this time to find some peace.
until next time….