that there is work to be done. I shared a post on Facebook last week which spelled out, what I believe, the purpose of dreams and how dreams can help us determine what is going on inside the little cells.
I know I have come a long way in weeding out the disfunction I grew up with…I have never been one that just sits back and says, well that’s who I am…live with it. I didn’t like a lot of things “that” person thought or felt so I started very early making the decision that I was going to figure out how to change those negative aspects of who I was. It’s not like a down deep hatred of myself; it is more a dislike of the way I think and how those thoughts made me uncomfortable in my skin…and the resentment I lived with everyday. We are what we think and I did not want to just accept that I was always going to be inferior and rebellious in my soul without knowing why…searching for the truth. I, like everyone else, accepted lots of other peoples beliefs about myself and tested out a lot of different theories until I found the path that I believe works for me. That path still has many roads to the east or west that I trudge down until I find the main path to where I want to be.
This morning, I’m dealing with family. Not my immediate family but the family I married into. 35 years with this family and I’m still struggling to figure out how they tick and why they tick at the speed they do. I shunned and was shunned by my Green side because of the horrible resentment built up between my father and his siblings…way too much dislike for a young woman to have to live with and make it mentally okay because my dad was my hero. This particular roadblock worked itself out due to one cousin’s love and acceptance of me. Me – Nina – not me the daughter of my father. He and his family accepted me for me – the pain that tore everyone apart is still there but they like me for me. It was breath taking and I still tear up when I think of the acceptance.
I started out my married life with a lot of baggage where families are concerned and thought I finally had a family. In naivety, I thought everyone else’s family was normal with no baggage. I tried so hard to do just what I thought was acceptable and what I thought would gain their love and acceptance to be like one of their own. But this family came with generations of baggage too…and I frequently had my feelings hurt because I got one message face to face only to learn from someone else that they said this or thought that about me. If you have been there, you know it is pain on top of pain and finally withdrawal from the angst. I felt a lot better…it is so much easier not having to put on that heavy armor!
I had a dream last night about my Green side which gave me another insight into figuring out that I need to pursue and forgive all of the ill feelings that have been on my back for several decades. I am not willing to give up more of myself; but, I am willing to meet in the middle. We all have our crosses to bear, so to speak, and I’m in a place now that I can plant that cross where it needs to be and keep working through my dreams. Upward and Onward.
Until next time….