does not mean it is mine to do.
From an early age (childhood) I learned that I had responsibilities. Not for just cleaning out the dishwasher but to rinse the dirty dishes, load the dishwasher “correctly”, run the dishwasher, empty it and begin again. This duty was not totally my responsibility but a metaphor for my childhood. From an early age, I felt responsible for my mother’s happiness and if pledge and dusting the living room furniture every other day was what kept her mental health intact then that’s what I needed to do.
Fast forward 6 decades. I’m very responsible. I do what needs to be done. I people please. I consider myself an empath and wear other peoples moods and emotions under my own clothes. This is a curse or a gift depending on how I experience it in my life.
A coffee date with a couple of girlfriends (who are like my Siri navigation giving me options of which route to take) reminded me that I need to set boundaries. I need to listen within to navigate what is mine to do. What brings me joy and contentment? What causes me to want to run fast toward or away from experiences….and the best advice….to seek answers from my inner guides before I close my eyes to sleep. So many life decisions are made as we slumber, when the ego is asleep and the deep inner soul has peace and quiet to figure it out.
What is mine to do?
But actually it was a fail! While this kind of dream may seem quite negative….I woke up feeling stronger than I have in a few months….
Memories of the dream are sketchier as the morning awake progresses but hang with me here a bit…
I had a huge argument – yelling argument – with Sheriff V. In real life he was an asshole I worked for…I was so surprised in the dream that the next day he offered me and 3 co workers a weekend away in a hotel. I was skeptical. We checked into the hotel…I was with Lynnette; and, Craig and Marsha roomed together. I was immediately back at work and walked around the corner and He (the real husband-correctional officer) whispered that I was being set up. In order to find out what was going on, I participated in some flirting with the sheriff and then came upon a box containing a brown paper sack and list of the 4 of us employees and what hotel rooms we were in. I stuck my hand in the sack and it was full of cocaine. I showed him my hand covered with the cocaine and told him I knew what his plan was and I then called the local newspaper.
….and that is all I remember….I woke up feeing strong, empowered and in control of my life again.
I have had several “therapy” conversations with Jenny as to why I just can’t seem to get back to feeling at peace – I had kidney cancer, I had surgery, the cancer was contained in the kidney and when the kidney was removed…so was the cancer…but I couldn’t seem to get my peace of life back again.
It takes awhile when we encounter struggle in our lives…it takes time to work through it. Once we think we have dealt with our own particular life struggle, we expect to get a high role on the dice and jump back into it. It takes time…sometimes we just have to wallow in our struggle until we get more strength to continue the climb.
….and for those of you reading this who know the characters in the dream…and perhaps will disagree with my description of this Sheriff V. Disagree…that’s your opinion…and by putting it out there in MY blog in black and white – I’ve had the courage to put it out there the way I lived it and stepped up one more rung on my ladder.
Until next time….
that there is work to be done. I shared a post on Facebook last week which spelled out, what I believe, the purpose of dreams and how dreams can help us determine what is going on inside the little cells.
I know I have come a long way in weeding out the disfunction I grew up with…I have never been one that just sits back and says, well that’s who I am…live with it. I didn’t like a lot of things “that” person thought or felt so I started very early making the decision that I was going to figure out how to change those negative aspects of who I was. It’s not like a down deep hatred of myself; it is more a dislike of the way I think and how those thoughts made me uncomfortable in my skin…and the resentment I lived with everyday. We are what we think and I did not want to just accept that I was always going to be inferior and rebellious in my soul without knowing why…searching for the truth. I, like everyone else, accepted lots of other peoples beliefs about myself and tested out a lot of different theories until I found the path that I believe works for me. That path still has many roads to the east or west that I trudge down until I find the main path to where I want to be.
This morning, I’m dealing with family. Not my immediate family but the family I married into. 35 years with this family and I’m still struggling to figure out how they tick and why they tick at the speed they do. I shunned and was shunned by my Green side because of the horrible resentment built up between my father and his siblings…way too much dislike for a young woman to have to live with and make it mentally okay because my dad was my hero. This particular roadblock worked itself out due to one cousin’s love and acceptance of me. Me – Nina – not me the daughter of my father. He and his family accepted me for me – the pain that tore everyone apart is still there but they like me for me. It was breath taking and I still tear up when I think of the acceptance.
I started out my married life with a lot of baggage where families are concerned and thought I finally had a family. In naivety, I thought everyone else’s family was normal with no baggage. I tried so hard to do just what I thought was acceptable and what I thought would gain their love and acceptance to be like one of their own. But this family came with generations of baggage too…and I frequently had my feelings hurt because I got one message face to face only to learn from someone else that they said this or thought that about me. If you have been there, you know it is pain on top of pain and finally withdrawal from the angst. I felt a lot better…it is so much easier not having to put on that heavy armor!
I had a dream last night about my Green side which gave me another insight into figuring out that I need to pursue and forgive all of the ill feelings that have been on my back for several decades. I am not willing to give up more of myself; but, I am willing to meet in the middle. We all have our crosses to bear, so to speak, and I’m in a place now that I can plant that cross where it needs to be and keep working through my dreams. Upward and Onward.
Until next time….