Hello, Nina

I’ve always been like sweet nectar to therapist, self-help authors, narcissists and manipulative people along with pure cane sugar.  Dad died 10 years ago and that’s when I started to put things into perspective…I wallowed in hatefulness, guilt and self pitty for the next 8 years then mom and Aunt Frances died and I started getting really pissed that people pleasing and anxiety were running my life…it was the only exercise I was really getting.  I seem to be on a continuous rolling sidewalk trying to be content with the person inside my head.  Why do some people struggle with who they are while the next person just accepts their angst and gets on with it?  There are a whole lot of people passing us on the street everyday who have come from disfunction, including mental and/or physical abuse.  Some people accept their plight and appear to live their life without a thought about it, while others bloody their hands trying to climb up the hill to a better life.  Is our societal hatefulness and anger a symptom of not liking who we are inside?

  I also questions this “holier than thou” mentality that I pin onto the far right political conservatives and religious zealots…are they making up for parental abuse of perceived perfection?  Giving them the belief that they are the absolute right (pun intended) and everyone else is wrong…what happens when they fall – what happens when something happens to burst the allusion of perfection..how do they explain in their own minds that perfection is impossible to achieve.  Do they go back to the “do as I say, not as I do” mentality, the allusion of perfection or do they move closer to the left and realize that no one person has the right to control another person….

Conscience – at one time, I believed everyone had one.  Seems striving for a clear conscience  in making decisions rather than relying on allusions of our own grandeur and/or our sexual appendages we would be on the first rung of the ladder to solve all of the problems of the world.

Until next time…..

6 thoughts on “Hello, Nina

  1. i have thought about all of those things. We all have baggage of one kind or another and what’s “bad” in one’s psychie might be not so rough in somebody else’s, but still doesn’t make it easier for the one…and we all know ppl who have lived thru hell and it doesn’t seem to affect their life. but maybe it’s exactly what’s affecting their llife. I dk, I do think some of us think too much, at least i am very guilty of that. and the Aquarious (I guess lol) in me makes the judgement and harm in the world maybe a bigger deal in my mind than it should be. Or shouldn’t it be a bigger deal in EVERYone’s mind? Life is full of ironicies for sure and although i have all the answers to the worlds’ questions, I don’t know anything.Well this comment has made a helluva lot of sense hasn’t it.. Maybe I should just say, YES, I can relate!!! 

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  2. Nina – all I have left in me tonight is this — I think you are an incredibly amazing person.  I love who you are.  I love your vitality and energy.  I hate that you were hurt in the past but that has made you the wonderful person that you are today and the person I think is wonderful.

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  3. Most of it is an illusion. These things seem real because people tell us they are real and we should spend time on them and fit the mold we are shown on the Tube, in advertising, in the movie theater. We should spend our time and money trying always to be happy, pretty and young even though we may be none of those things.You may have forgotten, but I have quite a bit of disfunction in my past and since May of last year I have been living with one of the main sources of that disfunction. If this had happened 15 years ago there would probably be more than one dead now, but that’s another story.This is just me, but I figured out some time ago…around 1995…that I am not who people say I am or think I am. I cannot be defined by who my parents are, how much money I’ve got, how many friends I’ve got or who likes me and who does not. I will not be defined by who I sleep with or who I choose not to sleep with. I will not be defined by the color of my hair, be it gray or otherwise or the color of my skin. I’m just a sinner saved by grace; not the result of anything I did, but because of who I know. God loves me just as I am, so who am I to say God is wrong. That would be blasphemy ;>) God does not create junk.He does not want me to spend time wringing my hands or my own neck over my own past errors or what others may have done to me thinking it was the best thing at the time. Disfunction is hereditary to a greater or lesser degree, not by family, but in the human race. We all are screwed up in some way. It’s our spiritual heritage as well as our genetic heritage. This is my belief. Many don’t believe that. I don’t see how they can explain this world’s condition in any other way. We are a broken race.Religions, including many Christian sects will tell you that being good will save you from all that. Or working on who you are, will tell you what you need to be and do.  But really, the only thing that has to be done is to present yourself to God, accept His gift of grace and then….then…Forgive yourself, forgive those that hurt you and let go of all of it.For the longest time I could not let go and that is why I was not happy or, at any rate, content. (Who is happy 24/7? The medicated maybe.) But how do you let go of the misery and the anger and, yipper, hate. And why do we hang onto it? That’s the real question. For myself, I came to the conclusion that I actually liked being miserable. I was addicted to self pity. I got a rush from being angry and self righteous (still do sometimes). I enjoyed being moody and I even enjoyed negative attention. All of these things create bad chemistry in our brains, and those chemicals are every bit as addictive as cocaine.You have to get to the point that you don’t want to do it anymore. You have to turn away from it. Do something else. I read conspiracy books. (I’m still cynical. I realize you probably did not know that about me.) I can only advise that you have to stop being your own hobby and go about the business of living. Just let go of it. It’s not worth our time, your health, or our life.As for being ‘holier than thou’, that comes from the left. They seem to know how everyone should live. Lefites are among the most intolerant folks on earth. Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, Hitler and Ho Chi Mien were all socialists. They were all leftists and they seem to know exactly how everybody should live. Those that did not go along with them paid with their lives. And now as all the political parties in this country move more and more toward centralized authoritarian government it’s happening here. Controls on speech, religion and the web and basic human rights of life, liberty and property are in the gun sites.You can say what you like about a Christian, but if you disagree with a Muslim, a gay, a feminist or abortionist watch out. You will be accused of racism, mysogyny, and homophobia. In Canada you can get fined and do jail time for it.As for those who fall…we all fall. Paul said that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. There’s only one way out of it. Let it go. Repent and turn back. Humble yourself and don’t walk ahead of the Master.Again…this is me.My advice?? Let it go. Turn it over to God or your higher power or nothingness. Let them deal with Helen and your aunt. It does not have to be your problem anymore.    

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  4. When I watch a movie or read a book I do not for even one moment stop and think about what the potential outcomes may be. I never analyse the book afterwards and think about how the plot fell together, or in some cases didn’t. I think I live my life the exact same way. For the most part I only think about what is right now. I can’t change the past, and I realized a long time ago that I can only control my actions in the future. And recently I learned that I don’t always even have control over that.I started this comment 90 minutes ago and got sidetracked and left it on my screen. So I think I’ll stop it where it’s at and let you fill in the rest with something pithy and clever. đŸ™‚

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