Ninasusan

Happiness gently landed on my shoulders

It’s an uncomfortable topic..it is amazing what a little therapy

can do for you.  I’m not expecting perfection or total clarity, but I knew that my thought processes were messed up…so I decided to try therapy.  At the 6 month mark, I would say I’ve worked thru the first layer of the disfunction.  I tried to break thru some of the brick walls with just Oprah, a couple of books and an incredible amount of grit.  I don’t believe it would have been possible for me to have gotten where I am at this moment without help.  One thing that I don’t understand yet is:  How do you know there is another side; that abuse, narcissism, and downright craziness are the not the norm.  How does one realize that it is possible to feel better and not just grovel in the filth of your psychic nest?

…then there is suicide.  Suicide as an answer to….. right to commit suicide? Does everyone think about suicide at some point in their life?  Is suicide okay for the terminally ill but not the terminally depressed?

When I think of suicide now and further down the list, succumbing (is that a word) to the pull of suicide, I realize the thought process is different and probably not normal.  I had a talk one time with a good friend who said she thought suicidal thoughts, when you were in the belly of depression, were like opening the security valve…an out…you know that there is a way to stop the pain when you can’t take it anymore.  I don’t believe that suicidal thought is normal.  I will say that the security valve option did cross my mind.  Despair is despair.

One day on my way home from therapy, it hit me and nearly brought tears to my eyes…suicide is not NORMAL…do not read more into that statement than what is written.  I hold true and fast to the thought …if someone truly must escape the pain, they have every right to do so…I’ve more than once had to bite my tongue while listening to some sactimonious, close minded individual holding court as to the ethical, moral and religious reason that this mentally ill, weak person shouldn’t have done it and lamenting the fact that they just can’t understand why someone would do it.

Don’t you dare judge….

Until next time….

9 responses to “It’s an uncomfortable topic..it is amazing what a little therapy”

  1. to_be_creative Avatar
    to_be_creative

    It’s interesting, how DO folks know there is another side?  I honestly think there are some who don’t or who have lost sight of it.  Some folks hold on so tightly to the crap in their lives, I used to think because they were afraid of what would be there if they didn’t have the familiar, even if the familiar is aweful.  But, y’know, some might hold on tightly because they don’t even have an incling there could be something else. It is easier for others to accept someone dying of cancer taking their own life to escape the pain that someone with depression doing the same.  The former is almost noble while the latter is considered weak.  I think it might be because folks can say for sure they don’t have cancer.  They might fear that depression is present.  If someone else choses death, that puts them at risk as well.  Condeming it somehow keeps it at arms length.  They will be ‘safe.’  Ah, but we are seldom safe.So glad therapy is working for you.  It is a brave and wonderful step.

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  2. Kissedbyadog Avatar
    Kissedbyadog

    I so agree.  My boy – who has lived with his bipolar etc and gone through horrendous bullying situations all the way through school – often thought of suicide.  I raced home from work nearly every day of the 8th grade praying he was alive when I got there.    He asked me if he would “go to hell” if he couldn’t take it anymore.  My answer is what I truly believe deep down in my soul. God – out of everyone – understands despair – he understands that amount of pain.  I truly believe that if someone is at the end of their ability to rationally cope – it is as you say – very much like someone with heart disease having a fatal heart attack.  I would never judge someone for that.  Not in a million years. 

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  3. skanickadee Avatar
    skanickadee

    @Ninasusan –   

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  4. Ninasusan Avatar
    Ninasusan

    @skanickadee – you said it much, much better than I did….

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  5. Ninasusan Avatar
    Ninasusan

    @Megan Hicks@facebook – we are on the same page!!!

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  6. skanickadee Avatar
    skanickadee

    @tracy – Oh and my reply was written before I saw yours.

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  7. skanickadee Avatar
    skanickadee

    @tracy – Great minds think alike even about things like this.

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  8. skanickadee Avatar
    skanickadee

    Most people who have not experienced the depth and darkness that is depression and not just the blues, don’t understand suicide.While suicide is not normal, when you have lived the hell that is depression, it often seems almost a comforting thought because in the back of your mind you can at least know that if the pain gets too great, there is that option.  I would say for me, in some ways, just knowing there was an out, helped me get through the worst of times.No one wants to commit suicide. what they really want is stop the pain, stop the blackness.  What those sanctimonious jerks don’t get is that suicide is like a fatal heart attack for a depressed person.  Hearts die because of disease, depression is the disease that kills the mind, spirit and soul and if it gets too bad the person feels as if there is no other choice.  So when a person has chest pains he goes to the doctor, hopefully the disease hasn’t progressed too far.  It is the same for people with depression.  Hopefully through therapy and medication and lifestyle changes a depressed person can get better but sometimes the illness is too far gone.I wish people would get that depression is a medical illness and not a mental weakness.  And no one really wants to kill themselves, they only use it as a last resort.  What they really want is to stop the pain and torment.Never any judgment!  Love and hugs!

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  9. tracy Avatar
    tracy

    Huh….I have to think about this. What do you think it says about me that I think that way too?  Suicide is a way out. Sort of like knowing that you can quit your job gets you through the really tough days.

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