WOW what a week this has been…I’ve had all of my non-working time to myself for the most part… I did have some social engagements with my daughter, et al and my old friend, Suzie…but the rest of the time, I’ve been cleaning, sorting, organizing and on archives.com and ancestry.com trying to figure out what happened in my mother’s life prior to my birth that messed her up so much.
I’m not going to drag her name thru the mud, but some of the things I found out and some of the pictures I found are very disheartening. I have no idea who this woman was…when mom died, my girls were going thru stuff at break-neck speed trying to find out family secrets…they obviously over looked one small box which contained it all…the rest I was able to get from the internet and seemingly innocent comments made by people who knew her and the family and me. Jenny asked me if my feelings about her had changed…I indicated yes, that they have changed, but not for the better, but I do feel a kind of validation and justification for my years with her…I feel the death bed conversation I had with her about God and dying and going to heaven etc etc was the only true gut level, genuine conversation I had with her in 53 years. Sad…very, very sad. Can’t really say I hate her now but what I can say is I feel totally removed from her now…that feeling seems much healthier than hating her…I no longer see her as the totally pathetic innocent victim. I think I can move on.
AND MOVING ON. Phil comes home tomorrow from Mexico…at first with his absence, I felt giddy…I can do WHATEVER, WHENEVER as long as it wasn’t illegal or immoral..fattening was still an option. By Sat and Sun, I was just pissed off and lonely…I wanted him to come home..I didn’t like being alone, I have to feed the dogs both morning and night, but I can watch whatever I want to watch on the big TV…Monday rolls around and I realize what fun I’ve been having; but it will be nice to see him again…today I roll back and forth like a dog and a ball…I want him home..but the freedom has been fun, but it will be soooo good to have him home, yes…I wish he were coming home tonight…maybe one last night laying crosswise in the bed won’t be too bad…
Until next time….