If you are reading this with your morning bran muffin…stop now, swallow, digest and come back.  Today we are going to talk about a topic that has taken over my life….poop.  People seldom discuss this taboo subject until they hit the 85 year mark and then all the poo talk that has backed up over the years seems to spring forth like those under 85 talk about the weather.  I’m not sure I’ve had a discussion with my mother or my aunt in the last few years that, at some point, hasn’t included talk about their bathroom habits.  Don’t want to know …. why do they think this is something they should talk about to everyone….I still cringe when I go to the doctor and someone asks me when was my last _____ ________.  Know what I mean?  Speaking of poo….

Cats have wonderful digestive tracks…we should be so lucky…everyday when I’m scooping cat poo from 2 cats who produce more in a day that my 3 large dogs, I wonder… 1) why can’t we teach dogs to poo in a box; 2) how can they possibly produce so much poo and 3) when begging for him to let me get cats – why did I say I would clean out the litter box and he didn’t have to touch them.  Kate and Luke were going to teach Zelda how to poo in the toilet…wonder how that is going for them?  Why do the cats sit in the basement and watch me scoop poo and then as soon as I’m finished, they crawl into the litter box and well, poo again.  I don’t get it….and why do these precious dogs of mine like to eat cat poo.  “he” calls them doggie tootsie rolls..I know…it’s a groaner but he doesn’t fail to mention it to anyone that we know well enough to discuss bathroom habits….and what is more…why do some dogs eat dog poo…this just seems wrong.  Everyone I’ve ever discussed this with say..”some dogs just do that”.  My son-in-law, Ryan said that he started feeding his german shepherd more food because he thought he was just hungry and that took care of the problem.  I tried it.  Nope…I think Marshal is probably just a closet poo eater.

….and then the question that has bugged me since I was a child.  Do you fold or crinkle..does your significant other fold or crinkle…how about your best friend?  I remember being a small child and seeing my  mother in the bathroom meticulously folding her toilet paper square by square (Too bad I didn’t pick up on this clue when I was younger).  I have always crinkled.  I crinkle because I have always thought it much more efficient.  Folding seems to just sllliiide by where as crinkling gives it different form and allows it to reach all nooks and crevices…By crinkling, I think you can get by using less toilet paper because in a scrunched ball, you can use less because you don’t have to worry about any finger poking thru issues….and now that you can buy double rolls of toilet paper, I can hardly stand a single roll anymore.  Somehow a double roll seems substantial, safe, the little face in the roll says “I’ll always be there for you”.  Now when I get a new single roll, I feel cheated..I love the double rolls…

…and the most important topics shy of world hunger and world peace…hanging the toilet paper on the holder.  I think back in the days of color printed toilet paper that it looked better with the end going over the roll but I prefer it to go under.  I don’t know why anyone thinks it comes off the roll better when it goes over…I think just the opposite…although it doesn’t look very good when it is hanging down behind,  but then, who lets their toilet paper hang down…I remember when great newspaper columnist, Ann Landers, did some stories on over or under toilet paper rolls, they were probably some of her most well-read columns… At one time, I thought perhaps you could choose your friends by their toilet paper habits…but, I soon learned that was not possible because I have some very good friends who absolutely refuse to change their hanging rules…although I think they crinkle so I can get past the whole hanging thing.

I have another irritation and that is the waste of dental floss in this country…but we’ll talk about that later….