Tag Archives: poop

06.18.15
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To: Jasper County Iowa 911…I thought about you guys

As an explanation to those of you who have chosen not to work in the emergency services business i.e. 911,EMS, Police, Fire, Nurses, you are lucky that you do not have to really get to know the humans that are actually not quite at the top of the food chain.  I’m talking about the people who absolutely cannot function on a daily basis without the help of one of the aforementioned services.  I’m not talking about what we accept as normal society.  Not arguing whether it is their fault or their parent’s fault or the fault of a substance they choose to use.  After a 30 year career as a 911 dispatcher, I’m still bitter.

With that being said.

I have heard many jokes from cops, on the threshold of retirement, threaten dispatchers that they are going to sit on the porch and call 911 every time a stray dog walks in their yard.  Why is this funny, you ask.  Because this is the life of cops and dispatchers…this is acceptable behavior from those people I was talking about who absolutely cannot function on a daily basis without the help of emergency services and feel they have the right to clog the emergency system with their 911 to the detriment of someone who may be dying in a house fire. ….and quite frankly, these people are not held in very high regard…so this is not so much funny but a gallows type humor, so to speak.

So….I was sitting on the deck yesterday watching the geese on the pond….as they landed on land, they started creeping up into the yard … one little step-peck at a time until they were no longer on HOA yard but MY YARD.

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WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, GOOSE?

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I love the geese who have made their home here in the neighbor…I just don’t love the evidence left in my yard once they step-peck-honk back to the water.  First, I thought about calling one of my old 911 peers and telling them there are geese in my yard – send a cop….and then I wanted to call the HOA President (who also happens to be a 911 dispatcher here) and tell him that I want these geese required to carry poop (oh NO there is that word again) bags to clean up after themselves.  But, I didn’t.  I just enjoyed the little scenario playing around in my head!

All of this because I’m retired, recovering from surgery and apparently don’t have enough to do!

Until next time….

06.17.15
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Poop

I have “never discussed” what used to be a “never discussed” subject as much as I have in the last 3 months.

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When I was diagnosed with diverticulitis, the doctor told me that the way to avoid this in the future is to not get constipated.

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I must say I can count on one hand the times I have been constipated in my life.  My poop seemed to be the most important thing on everyone’s mind.  Like wack-a-mole bouncing in and out of the room with one question.  Have you pooped?

After the diverticulitis healed, I went back to my fiber infused diet.

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I don’t like the word poop and, for the most part, thought it was just used by children or talking to children to distinguish between number 1 and number 2  Although my mother didn’t use the number designation nor explain it to me so I never REALLY knew what everyone was talking about.  My mother used  the word bowel movement or BM   *shiver…while more anatomically correct, I still cringe when I hear those words!  Through my life, I have occasionally thrown out the “shit” word as an expletive so you would think I would be okay with it, but I would find it offense if the doctor in his pristine white jacket adorned with his embroidered name would walk in and say, Have you shit?

Prior to kidney surgery, I was required to clean my colon.  YES! I must say that walking around with a pristine colon is something that I wouldn’t mind sharing with others.  But I couldn’t figure out how to bring it up.  I vote that that our colon health is more important than appendage length, manscaping or female breast size or shape but as a society, we roll those topics off our tongue ad nauseum.

After kidney surgery, every time a doctor or nurse walked into the room the conversation began with those 3 words “have you pooped”.  I later learned that these folks aren’t so concerned about whether I have pooped or not but really just want to know if I have passed gas.  Why don’t you just ask?

Yesterday at the week followup the doctor’s first question to me in front of him was, “Have you pooped”.  Heretofore, he had no idea that I even participated in that crap.

Enter Doc-Q-Lace, the medication used to soften the whole process so as to avoid pain while the insides are healing.  I looked this morning and it really works…kind of a soft, petal like event.

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I actually started this post because I went to the internet to look up words to be used instead of poop.  Ya…don’t do that…I’m totally screwed up now.

Until next time…