Chances are you haven’t read the entry yet that has caused me to feel used, unloved and like my head is going to explode!!!!
Yes…dear diary…I do feel a little better…but who is this woman who would ask her 52 year old daughter who has been home for 2 hours from work to leave her warm house and change a f*$k*n light bulb in her laundry room…not a room she needs to be in but the laundry room when no one is doing laundry…a laundry room where she doesn’t even do laundry anymore..Dana does it for her……who is this woman. I’m so pissed I probably won’t be able to go to sleep…I’m so pissed and I’m so sad…without sounding any more dramatic than I already sound…I feel like crying…I feel like crying and putting my house up for sale to get the hell away from her. I am very angry and that is about all I can say…I’m trying very hard to type it out and get it out and be done with it…Everything will be okay…I just need to vent… What will be next, I wonder…. I wish I had a sibling to help me see this thru. I wish I had a sibling that I could dump this old woman on for a few weeks at a time…What WOULD she do if we put our house up for sale and moved…she thinks she is so independent and capable of living at home..she refuses to admit that she can’t live alone without Aunt Frances living with her yet treats Aunt Frances lower that cat excrement…What WOULD she do if we actually had a life that she had nothing to do with… I’ve got to get away from her… got to…If I die tomorrow, I’m going to be really pissed that I gave 52 years to her and allowed her to control me and initimidate me and guilt me into putting her always first… it is always the farm that stops me…it is the farm that has been in my dad’s family for 100 years…it is the farm that my dad loved and gave up his brother and sister to keep…the farm his mother left to him…this farm that I felt the closest to my dad when I was young…this farm that I’m terrified she would do something with….I continue to give her control of me so that I won’t lose my dad’s farm. Don’t know if this is right or if this is wrong it just is. Maybe it is not worth it…when I see it in black and white it seems ridiculous..I would let her ruin my life for property…but it means so much to me…it is my past and it is the memories I have of my childhood with my dad…. I guess it really comes down to me making the decision…I’m guessing the decision is to do what I have been doing….Hold out…it’s my choice…and I guess at this point…this is the choice I make….it is all about choices…that is what it comes down to.