Right now is the only moment I have

Because of my upbringing which I can sum up as do what you are told, no need to have a mind of your own because this is what you believe and this is what you will do, it took me a long time to realize that I was going to begin stepping out in my own direction. I still followed rules and, for the most part, laws, but I learned through experience that if you continue doing what you’ve always done and think with the same mind you used before, then you will have the exact same outcome. BUT…if you pay attention to nuances (which I now call intuition), speak with respect, do your homework and intelligently defend your case, then sometimes rules will be changed. I also learned that if the rules don’t change, you can either suck it up and follow the rules which MAY be the appropriate behavior or more likely for me, I would get mad…scream and holler in my head …. then organize like- minded individuals and go at it again…. being sure to attach some negative emotion to it so that in 20 or more years later, similar emotions about similar situations can rise up and before you know it you are overwhelmed in anger and hatred and vengeance which will probably be overblown for the situation…ie:road rage. There are many years and many experiences that have occurred before which exploded this workable problem into a full blown battle in your head. When they rise up, you will be reacting and responding the way you did 20 or more years ago to a completely different situation….the cycle just continues throughout life.

What did I just read or hear the other day..something to the effect….you can’t fix a problem with the same mind that created it.

My opinion as to the answer is not going to come from me in a 3 paragraph blog, or quite frankly, from me at all…I’m learning and all I can really share is what got me from there to where I am now sharing my thoughts on my blog, but I will credit the PRACTICE of meditation, the book Mastery of Self by Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr…his daddy wrote the Four Agreements, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer or A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.

Until next time…

Morning pages

I finished my first journal of morning pages 4 months and 4 days after I started it in February. My last line was “I’ve worked through a lot of shit”!

While eating lunch today, feeling a blog coming on….what I really mean is…eating an exquisitely prepared bacon and tomato sandwich and feeling the “need” to write something, I had a revelation!

During my “sharing” at my very first Word Shine meeting, my share included the fact that I had been writing a blog nearly daily for 12 years….I described it as a very unpolished blog that I had seemed compelled to write. In retrospect, I realize that my blogs were a cathartic, hang-on-to-that-last-knot, morning pages. They were an attempt at the time to get this shit out of my head and attempt to think straight through the very heavy baggage I was carrying! My way was to instinctively sort through things first thing in the morning through writing long before I realized it was helping me sort!

The huge payout for me, other than the obvious healing, was the number of people who commented either publicly or privately….friends, acquaintances and strangers who followed my blogs. I knew that in some way I was putting things out there that a lot of people were also struggling to figure out. Comments helped me figure out if I was on the right track or if I needed to go back and take the different direction at the intersection.

In case you haven’t heard about Morning Pages…here’s the book that has guided me the last 4 months.