Ninasusan

Happiness gently landed on my shoulders

My hardest life lesson…

In less than a month, my birthday cake will hold up the weight of 60 candles.  In my experience, women more than men seems to cringe when the zero is added to a number representing years since their birth.  For me, I’ve always paused to contemplate and then moved on because deep down inside it didn’t really matter…..until 60.

I’m probably normal.  Running for exercise is not something I even contemplate doing now, my body seems to scream very loudly the day after I lift something heavy, I don’t bounce back quite as fast after painting or climbing 203 steps to the top of a lighthouse. I’m actually tired at night and frequently fall asleep while reading in bed, I crave quiet and relaxation after chasing a 2 year old around all day.  These things I accept….with a little sadness….but I accept it.

What I have difficulty overcoming is moving on from the past.  While the past has shaped me into who I am today…today is what I have now.  I spend way too much energy shutting down a thought that pops into my head during the day.  I wish I had done this or that differently.  Why was my mother my mother?  Why did I not make life changes years before I made them?  Why did I develop kidney cancer?  What could I have done differently?  Why didn’t I do things differently?  By reviewing the past, I’m actually missing out on what is happening right now.  I know this.  I believe this.  I work very hard to clear my mind when these thoughts surface.  Maybe right now I’m perfectly normal.  Maybe lots of other people continue to regurgitate the past.  Maybe learning to let it be and love right now is my new lesson to be learned because once I quit learning, there will be no more candles on the cake?

Until next time….

5 responses to “My hardest life lesson…”

  1. Ghog Avatar
    Ghog

    Please consider the environment before lighting all those candles. There is the CO2 and the heat to consider and there is also concern over forest and grass fires. Only You can prevent them…just remember that if you are able…I mean how will that look when you look back…”ya, my burfday cake caused a 5 alarm fire”…just sayin

    Speaking of the past….I went thru years of beating myself up over the stupid things I have done in the past…The best description of the situation would be “flashback”. These memories would replay in my mind like a bad mix tape and I would beat myself up all over again over something I had already “paid” for.

    That stopped like about 5 years ago. I cannot put my finger on what changed except that Mom died and I ended up in charge of things. It was like my childhood finally ended and I was the Daddy now. And maybe that was it. Not sure. The depression has stopped too and that is a more recent development that I credit to finally dealing with who I am in the most public way possible.

    I had coffee with Karla Van (Shivers) today and I told her that I no longer made long range plans or set goals, that I was trying to live in the moment. She has always known me as a control freak and so this surprised her and now that I think about it, maybe that is what brought the bad stuff to a halt. Whatever the case, I enjoy reminiscing, but I never indulge in “what if’s” and “why couldn’t it have been different”. It’s a waste of time, because it did not happen that way and it can’t be changed now.

    It is what it is…and that’s what I would say to you. Your life is what it is. You can’t change the past, but you can enjoy right now and maybe…just maybe…tomorrow.

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    1. Ninasusan Avatar
      Ninasusan

      You are right!

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  2. lifeasiinterpret Avatar
    lifeasiinterpret

    Hi NinaSusan. The way you have been describing what you have been feeling lately is so familiar to me. years ago I have had such an episode in my life. regrets followed by pain…. there is a moment in everyone’s life where they cannot feel worse anymore and from there on all you can do is to feel good. I hope you will feel a lot better soon. I hope you will have a wonderful birthday and bring out that 10 years old girl in you, look at life as if you have never seen it before, and get excited and amazed by it no matter what is going on around you or in you. Happy birthday! 🙂

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    1. Ninasusan Avatar
      Ninasusan

      Thank you. I’m slowly getting there…I just have THOSE moments!

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  3. TJ Avatar
    TJ

    I tuned 55 this year. And I think the thing that got me about that was that it’s so close to 60. There is something about that number. Maybe because that is a number noone imagines themselves being. I sure don’t feel my age. And then again, YES I absolutely feel my age. That chasing a 2 year old around—yup! And I hope it is normal to look back cuz, like you, I try not to. But I do it more often than I used to. WHY did I smoke for over 30 years?? Sooo stupid!! Why did I worry about the stupid stuff I worried about and not pay enough attention to the things I should’ve….I think you’re right, we have to keep learning or what’s left…..Doesn’t make it always easy tho.
    You look pretty good and sassy to me. And I am sure you were sore after those steps, but you DID IT! How awesome is that!! Keep on truckin’! We’re all going out some day, let’s do it kicking and screaming with purple hair! 🙂

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