But realized I’m not that person anymore!  The holiday season is my magical season, but it is also seems to be the season that has slowly been shredded for me….shredded because of sadness…..at least sporadically over the last couple decades. My dad had a stroke around Thanksgiving one year and a heart attack on Christmas Eve the next…he died a week later.  My father in law was in pretty bad shape his last Christmas and died a couple weeks later.  The same year my dad had his stroke my mother entered the hospital the next day with pneumonia.  I spent a week bouncing between hospital rooms and taking care of them through the rest of the season.  Sometime during those years,  I spent Christmas eve in the ER with him holding an Emeses basin because he was very sick….the flu?

So just for good measure, 3 days after Thanksgiving this year, he let me know he was having chest pain so we were off to the ER.  He had a mild heart attack and the week culminated with triple bypass surgery.  

Leaving the hospital every night, I’ve been overwhelmed with the KC Plaza lights and during my weary drives home, I made it okay in my mind that I probably won’t put up a tree and do all of the decorating this year…because that is how the old Nina would think!

Sitting in my car in the hospital parking lot this morning listening to somebody’s O Holy Night.  I was overwhelmed with reality.  I should absolutely be celebrating my magical season…he is going to be fine….I have so many blessings….why would I jump into the rabbit hole.  Whether or not I step over the hole or jump in with both feet and wallow in my own disappointment is my decision….this is life…this is a good life…every moment spent dwelling on the past and quite frankly dwelling on my own disappointment is another day lost.  I’m not jumping in….I’m not even going to look down the hole.

Until next time….