In today’s chapter, the heroine made it through another anxiety ridden spell to wake up having accomplished another level of fear of the unknown, insecurity and inner turmoil which I should probably just call not loving herself.  I told him yesterday morning that I didn’t know what was wrong with me.  I couldn’t fall asleep, I woke up pissed off and getting myself up off the couch and away from the TV was impossible.  In a week, I watched more movies than I have watched in many previous years.  Kate Winslet and I had a relationship and every day with Kate Winslet was a struggle of epic proportion.  Not Titanic proportion but close!

I had a ridiculous number of things I needed to do but I was unwilling to dig in and just get them done,  I was totally overwhelmed.  I’m not normally a procrastinator…one of the things I’m normally proud of…but for some reason, I shunned my responsibilities and felt like I just couldn’t tackle it.  Yesterday, I donned the gear and took care of all of them.  One right after the other.  Done…no more thought…one step at a time…done!  In the evening, I watched a little TV, did some laundry, straightened up the house, watched the first Housewives of Orange County reunion show and started reading a book……

This morning I woke up and immediately took a shower…just prior to stepping in the shower, I weighed myself…40 pounds!  I was able to think in the shower this morning…something I’ve been having difficulty doing.  I felt strong…I felt secure…I felt like this is who I am and no one knows my struggles…I am strong because what I have been through aka  life.  I am me.  I like me.  I really want to hold onto this me…but I know – because this is life – I will find myself in the other place again.  I must remember they are bad days but good days are just around the corner depending if I’m willing to work at it or just bask in the ugliness.

Until next time….