I haven’t been to therapy for a couple of months – I”m trying to go it alone and slow this “driven” mind down by just using the equipment I have been given.  I think I understand why some people are driven to accomplish at all costs and some people do what is necessary and then relax and enjoy life.  It has to do with what drives your anxiety.  I happen to be one of those people who doesn’t sit down and relax because there are things to do and the whirlwind, constant do-this-do-that is more relaxing to me than the anxiety of my body sitting down while my mind continues the constant whirlwind of what I need to get done.  It’s kind of an ugly place to be.  It has been suggested that this is something I need to work on one day at a time with some self talk but when I do that I”m just miserable.  Intellectually, I can’t figure out why getting this stuff done is so important.  I’m talking about things that in 10 years,  actually in 10 months, won’t make a difference.

While I”m up descaling the Tassimo, putting bills and paperwork away, cleaning the kitchen, putting a load of laundry in the washer and taking a load out, he’s calmly sitting on the couch surrounded by the critters watching tv without a thought in the world…totally relaxed…at least I think so.  This used to totally piss me off…totally, to the irrational rage stage…THERE ARE THINGS TO BE DONE WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING THERE AND LETTING ME DO EVERYTHING.  Then it occurred to me that him sitting on the couch is his right and choice, just as I am making the choice to do whatever it is I”m doing.  It’s not like he is a lump that doesn’t do anything because he certainly does more housework than most husbands I’ve heard about – as well as doing the cooking and grocery shopping.  So I am not complaining about him.  I’m totally frustrated with this nut and bolt that I need to adjust in my own life.

That’s it.