I use “up note” because I think it pretty much describes my mom as she is ending her life here. “Up Note” because at the end of the song, you know there is that little question mark. I feel very sad because I feel I finally received what I needed from my mother last night…I felt like she selflessly gave me her blessing to move on with my life and she told me that I was doing the right thing by going with Phil to Mayo this week instead of sitting around waiting for her last breath. In fact, we left it that I would see her Friday unless she decided to die in her sleep which is what we both want. Phil drove Aunt Frances home and Dana left us to have some time to ourselves and I found peace and forgiveness in myself as well as sadness and pain that my mother was going to die. Now I just need to stop thinking…For the first time, we were able to talk about her death…openly…that it was coming soon, we talked about her desires for the funeral, she needed assurance that Jenny and Katy and I were happy and content; she cried at one point about the mistakes she may have made and I assured her that we all make mistakes….we talked about her religious beliefs and her relationship with God. Aunt Frances read the bible to her a lot yesterday and she is hoping that she will do it again today. You know, I’ve always learned that things happen in God’s time…that even though we think, perhaps, he isn’t listening when we want it now…well, I feel blessed that it happened at God’s speed.
Phil and I are leaving in a few hours for Mayo. I will check in with mom on the phone until she doesn’t answer anymore.
Thanks everyone for your love and support…you have no idea what it means to me….