Sometimes I am soooo tired of being responsible, being self disciplined, not saying what I really think at times when it doesn’t seem appropriate. I’m 53…perhaps my perception of what happens when you kick the chicks out of the nest are crazy. Does there come a time when you have permission to do what you want…I’m not talking about what I want such as going to a movie or shopping..I’m talking big…I’m talking about selling the house…I’m talking about doing what I want to do rather than what I should do or what is expected of me. Why am I afraid to separate myself from people that don’t make me feel good…why can’t I say, you know..this doesn’t feel good anymore so I’m not going to spend any more time thinking about you or dreading the next meeting…why am I just afraid to say DONE…not doing it anymore. Is it okay to do what I want to do. The girls don’t need me on a daily basis…he doesn’t NEED me…no psycho crap here..that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want me…he just doesn’t need me. I used to be so disciplined and “afraid” of something that I didn’t do anything that I thought he would not approve of nor did I do anything that I didn’t want him to do..this was my craziness…not his…I”m the product of a safe, careful, eccentric father and a narcissistic mother…my head keeps hitting that ceiling of other people’s opinions, other peoples ideas of who I am and what I should be, can’t quite break away and know that I can actually do whatever I please. I obviously have a great allegiance to my marriage…but kids break away from the nest and follow their passions…make their own choices by what is right for them and actually live. I have never felt I had that freedom…I’m getting to the age that I should be able to make some choices for Nina…I don’t really have to please anybody…if I want to burn a bridge (metaphorically, of course) burn a damn bridge…if we choose to sell the house and move then I need to realize that I can sell the house and move…no one controls me…I don’t have to answer to anyone…today is today…not like yesterday…and tomorrow may never come….
GREAT pep talk, Nina…read this tomorrow night and see if you have made any progress…..