I decided earlier tonight that I wasn’t going to extend this crazy story with my xanga friends ..the negativity is not good for me or for you…but while cleaning house tonight, I’ve had time to ruminate…and I just really need to get this off my chest.  I’m not really angry, I certainly don’t have sympathy or empathy..it is just a head shaker.

When I got home from work this afternoon, I went over to see “them” so I could change the lightbulb in the laundry room.  “He” went with me to change the bulb and as my support.  While I’m handing out mail and chatting, he comes to the doorway of the kitchen and I know he has something to say…he goes over to the laundry room and flips on the light and it works…so I went into the family room and said…who replaced your light bulb, we came over to do it.  She says…are you ready…it wasn’t burned out…I said, you called me last night to ask me to come over and change it…she said that I misunderstood…I said, we had an entire discussion about the laundry room and whether or not you had to do laundry and decided since you weren’t doing laundry that it could wait until today…Nope…I misunderstood.  Aunt Frances then turns to me and says..well the light bulb is out in this lamp (the one sitting beside her on a table)…..I turned on my heel and went to the laundry room where Phil was putting a chair back where he got it and told him of the conversation…he gave me a peck on the cheek and told me that he was pretty sure it was me that was nuts 🙂

Have got to turn it off – guess it won’t happen over night. 

I’m off until Wednesday at 7am….

Feeling better this morning – amazing what a good night’s sleep will do for you.  I was feeling a lot of despair last night…I used to deal with “the mother” by just stuffing and taking it out on my family…then I realized how horrible that was…and have since apologized to Jenny for being stupid about mothering and anything else that I have done.  I have two lovely daughters, who I’m pretty confident know that I’ve taken the exact different road to child rearing than was used on me.  I’m not just holding it in anymore.

I think this is why my animals are so important to me.  Unconditional love.  Haven’t really had it before…. I decided the other day that I was not going to take anymore pictures of them and post them for awhile..people are going to start thinking I’m a lunatic.  The Daily Ground Hog already does 🙂  But you should have seen them this morning.  Benny was laying on the desk bed beside me – I got up to see why everyone was so quiet and all three puppies and Billie were laying together in the sun…if that isn’t the cutest thing…and I must update the cat story…Last night as I was sitting here airing all of my dirty laundry and thoughts on Xanga…Billie and Bennie were up here on the desk and Billie was bathing Bennie…I called Alayna and she said it was a good sign…everything is going to be okay…probably better after Bennie goes under the knife on Tuesday.  I’m off to work for 5 hours.  This will be my 8th day this week… work week, that is…or just 8th day in a row…you catch my drift 🙂

Chances are you haven’t read the entry yet that has caused me to feel used, unloved and like my head is going to explode!!!!

Yes…dear diary…I do feel a little better…but who is this woman who would ask her 52 year old daughter who has been home for 2 hours from work to leave her warm house and change a f*$k*n light bulb in her laundry room…not a room she needs to be in but the laundry room when no one is doing laundry…a laundry room where she doesn’t even do laundry anymore..Dana does it for her……who is this woman.  I’m so pissed I probably won’t be able to go to sleep…I’m so pissed and I’m so sad…without sounding any more dramatic than I already sound…I feel like crying…I feel like crying and putting my house up for sale to get the hell away from her.   I am very angry and that is about all I can say…I’m trying very hard to type it out and get it out and be done with it…Everything will be okay…I just need to vent… What will be next, I wonder…. I wish I had a sibling to help me see this thru.  I wish I had a sibling that I could dump this old woman on for a few weeks at a time…What WOULD she do if we put our house up for sale and moved…she thinks she is so independent and capable of living at home..she refuses to admit that she can’t live alone without Aunt Frances living with her yet treats Aunt Frances lower that cat excrement…What WOULD she do if we actually had a life that she had nothing to do with… I’ve got to get away from her… got to…If I die tomorrow, I’m going to be really pissed that I gave 52 years to her and allowed her to control me and initimidate me and guilt me into putting her always first… it is always the farm that stops me…it is the farm that has been in my dad’s family for 100 years…it is the farm that my dad loved and gave up his brother and sister to keep…the farm his mother left to him…this farm that I felt the closest to my dad when I was young…this farm that I’m terrified she would do something with….I continue to give her control of me so that I won’t lose my dad’s farm.  Don’t know if this is right or if this is wrong it just is.  Maybe it is not worth it…when I see it in black and white it seems ridiculous..I would let her ruin my life for property…but it means so much to me…it is my past and it is the memories I have of my childhood with my dad….  I guess it really comes down to me making the decision…I’m guessing the decision is to do what I have been doing….Hold out…it’s my choice…and I guess at this point…this is the choice I make….it is all about choices…that is what it comes down to.

For those of you new to my web site and missed my earlier life stories with dear old mom – you will probably just think I’m an insensitive person….and that will be your problem.

My mother just called me to come over to her house – it is 8:30 at night and it is 8 degrees above zero because she needs a light bulb changed in her laundry room….I said, it’s a little chilly to walk over there, mom…do you have to have the light bulb changed tonight and she says…well, it needs to be changed and Aunt Frances isn’t feeling good and doesn’t think she can reach it and I said…well, are you doing laundry tonight and she said NO…well, I took it upon myself to stand up for myself and said…well then, mom (you narcissitic old woman) I think that it can wait until tomorrow because it is too cold to go out now (ya and it is freeking 8:30 at night at I worked all day while you sat around and thought of things for me to do at 8:30 at night).

I feel better.

Who’d have ever thought that adorable Bill Clinton could be a bully…especially to Benjamin Franklin…

Alayna says it is because I brought an unneutered male cat into Billy’s territory and had I brought a sweet young female kitty…things would probably be much different.  Billy lays in wait…Benny doesn’t seem to be afraid…but then maybe he wouldn’t be in “cat world”…the thing that irritates me as a mother watching her young is that Billy waits until he is behind Benny then attacks…there’s lots of MEOOOOWWWWWWing and struggling..Benny usually ends up on his back with Billy going after him…then he breaks away and takes off with Billy on his heels…. Then they lay in separate rooms and stare at each other making irritable meowing noises….

…..and I thought Devil dog was bad 🙂 

Bought them a new litter box tonight and a cute little cube to curl up in…damnit…they had better appreciate it 🙂

MEOOOWWW  MEOOOOWWWWWWWWWW MEOW

 Allow me to introduce Benjamin Franklin aka Benny.

I decided Billy aka Billy-the-kid needed a playmate because the only thing he had to play with was Frannie aka Devil Dog.  So Frannie and I went to the Animal Rescue League tonight and brought home his near twin baby Benny.  Benny is only about 9 months old to Billy’s (somewhere) around 3 years.  What a hoot.  Billy is not thrilled…let’s say Billy is just pissed off…I didn’t know cats growled :0  Hiss 😮  Of course Benny fit right in because he is so young he doesn’t know any different.  Sierra has even taken to Benny.  I’m having so much fun watching them as they compete for the cardboard box!!!!!

I’m going to midnights.  woo hoo.  Midnights is the coveted shift for most dispatchers in my department.   The most senior dispatcher recently retired and now it is mine and the frosting on the cake is that I”m now the most senior dispatcher.  Not quite sure when I get to make the move but I’m guessing within the month.  He and I will finally be a normal couple…working the same shift and sleeping in the same bed at the same time.  You know how you go along day after day with unsettling things on your mind…you don’t think about them all the time but every now and then you get an:  uuuuuhhhhhhhhggggg.  Just not feeling content.  Well now, one down 99 to go.