Ninasusan

Happiness gently landed on my shoulders

Feeling better this morning – amazing what a good night’s sleep will do for you.  I was feeling a lot of despair last night…I used to deal with “the mother” by just stuffing and taking it out on my family…then I realized how horrible that was…and have since apologized to Jenny for being stupid about mothering and anything else that I have done.  I have two lovely daughters, who I’m pretty confident know that I’ve taken the exact different road to child rearing than was used on me.  I’m not just holding it in anymore.

I think this is why my animals are so important to me.  Unconditional love.  Haven’t really had it before…. I decided the other day that I was not going to take anymore pictures of them and post them for awhile..people are going to start thinking I’m a lunatic.  The Daily Ground Hog already does 🙂  But you should have seen them this morning.  Benny was laying on the desk bed beside me – I got up to see why everyone was so quiet and all three puppies and Billie were laying together in the sun…if that isn’t the cutest thing…and I must update the cat story…Last night as I was sitting here airing all of my dirty laundry and thoughts on Xanga…Billie and Bennie were up here on the desk and Billie was bathing Bennie…I called Alayna and she said it was a good sign…everything is going to be okay…probably better after Bennie goes under the knife on Tuesday.  I’m off to work for 5 hours.  This will be my 8th day this week… work week, that is…or just 8th day in a row…you catch my drift 🙂

2 responses to “”

  1. nwacountrybumpkin Avatar
    nwacountrybumpkin

    Whoever Ghog is seems to be a very wise person and someone who knows the situation very well.  I would ditto her advice.  Don’t let your mom bring you down if at all possible.  Try to distance yourself emotionally.  I really felt bad for you reading your blog from last night.  I am glad you can vent your frustrations here on Xanga.  It is a much better way than bottling it up or taking it out on the ones you love.  Glad you felt better this morning after a good nights sleep.  Hope things are still going well for you.

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  2. Ghog Avatar
    Ghog

    You’re not nuts ok? You’re just working through the garbage from a past life, and I’m not talking about reincarnation. It’s the one you lived before you left home.
    She won’t tell you because that would be admitting weakness, but she misses you and is lonely. This is not to apply any misplaced guilt, but I think this is just the facts of her life. The worst part is that she does not realize that she has created this environment even though she has to create a reason for you to come over.
    The thing to remember is that she was screwed up long before she had you to screw up and she probably thinks that she is perfectly normal and that this is the way everybody is. I don’t know if you can do this, but try seeing her not as your mother, but just the old lady next door and then treat her that way. Never argue with her. Do things for her on your schedule. Do not hesitate to tell her “no” or “maybe later” in a diplomatic way.  
    Release yourself from your prison of guilt and put her in perspective in your own mind. She is a pathetic prisoner herself. She has never had a moment’s self reflection or self examination or she would have seen to her own neuroses years ago. 
    You can’t fix her and she can’t be changed like a laundry room light bulb. It’s not your fault that she’s a mess. It is her fault that you’re a mess, but she is paying for that right now with dependency.
    Detatch. Don’t be manipulated. She’s the old lady next door. Help her out when you can.
    You might try forgiving her too. Your continuing anger will only shorten your life. Don’t let her do that. She ain’t worth it.
    Love You. Keep working thru it.  

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