The answers I seek

Being brought up in a “heavy handed” discipline environment, I learned my lessons well. I have grown out of the need to berate my parent(s)for their personal rules of discipline. They were teaching me the way they were taught and perhaps with a little mental illness in the mix. With that being said, I think the lessons we learn as children seem to manifest in our adult life like somehow they are hard wired in us. The phrases that slip through my lips…Why can’t I stop thinking that, why do I keep doing this, why am I so judgmental, I thought I had dealt with this……..

Last night I woke up a lot and each time I had the thought…what is wrong with me…why can’t I overcome this sleep issue…

This is when I realized that perhaps I need to give it a rest. Perhaps I need to take a vacation from my need to dig a little deeper to find the source of this unknown, unrecognized anxiety. Perhaps I need to take in to my heart the advice I freely give to others. Believe you are exactly who you are supposed to be! Personal perfection is an illusion. The freedom I seek is already mine…I will find my peace through the gratitude of the love and light around me. Peace be still.


I think the comfort of your bed has less to do with thread count of your sheets…..

and more to do with your anxiety level.  When I was young, I loved to sleep or loved to lounge in bed in the morning.  Whether it was a dread of waking up to a particular circumstance or dread of a particular deed of a day, I don’t know; but I could easily lounge around in bed – sleeping off and on until I had to get up.  Having kids kind of messed that up but not sure I realized it at the time…you have to do what you have to do. The next big change was shift work…having a job that does not allow you to sleep normal…like everyone else.  I would fall into bed totally exhausted at 0730, sleep my 8 to 10 hours, get up without an alarm  but get up because there were things to do.  I don’t remember that era of sleep being particularly bad.  Then came the getting up with an alarm every morning phase.  With that phase came a guilt about sleeping in even when I didn’t have to work.  All in my mind….and the dreaded anxiety of life which would wake me up in the middle of my night.  I hate the feelings of laying awake at night, knowing you have to get up in so many hours, my mind would race from one projected tragedy to the next until I exhausted myself  into sleep…somehow?  But now…post retirement…especially now on days where there is nothing on the calendar, I love  to quietly wake up in bed, reaching for the IPAD and reading or checking FB  – stretch, feel the nest in the mattress your body made all night – every movement finds a different comfort spot…


I give myself permission to lay there and stretch until I’m ready to get up.  Giving myself permission to relax is a lot more important than thread count!

Until next time….