Being brought up in a “heavy handed” discipline environment, I learned my lessons well. I have grown out of the need to berate my parent(s)for their personal rules of discipline. They were teaching me the way they were taught and perhaps with a little mental illness in the mix. With that being said, I think the lessons we learn as children seem to manifest in our adult life like somehow they are hard wired in us. The phrases that slip through my lips…Why can’t I stop thinking that, why do I keep doing this, why am I so judgmental, I thought I had dealt with this……..
Last night I woke up a lot and each time I had the thought…what is wrong with me…why can’t I overcome this sleep issue…
This is when I realized that perhaps I need to give it a rest. Perhaps I need to take a vacation from my need to dig a little deeper to find the source of this unknown, unrecognized anxiety. Perhaps I need to take in to my heart the advice I freely give to others. Believe you are exactly who you are supposed to be! Personal perfection is an illusion. The freedom I seek is already mine…I will find my peace through the gratitude of the love and light around me. Peace be still.
and more to do with your anxiety level. When I was young, I loved to sleep or loved to lounge in bed in the morning. Whether it was a dread of waking up to a particular circumstance or dread of a particular deed of a day, I don’t know; but I could easily lounge around in bed – sleeping off and on until I had to get up. Having kids kind of messed that up but not sure I realized it at the time…you have to do what you have to do. The next big change was shift work…having a job that does not allow you to sleep normal…like everyone else. I would fall into bed totally exhausted at 0730, sleep my 8 to 10 hours, get up without an alarm but get up because there were things to do. I don’t remember that era of sleep being particularly bad. Then came the getting up with an alarm every morning phase. With that phase came a guilt about sleeping in even when I didn’t have to work. All in my mind….and the dreaded anxiety of life which would wake me up in the middle of my night. I hate the feelings of laying awake at night, knowing you have to get up in so many hours, my mind would race from one projected tragedy to the next until I exhausted myself into sleep…somehow? But now…post retirement…especially now on days where there is nothing on the calendar, I love to quietly wake up in bed, reaching for the IPAD and reading or checking FB – stretch, feel the nest in the mattress your body made all night – every movement finds a different comfort spot…
I give myself permission to lay there and stretch until I’m ready to get up. Giving myself permission to relax is a lot more important than thread count!
Until next time….