Tag Archives: poop

06.18.15
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To: Jasper County Iowa 911…I thought about you guys

As an explanation to those of you who have chosen not to work in the emergency services business i.e. 911,EMS, Police, Fire, Nurses, you are lucky that you do not have to really get to know the humans that are actually not quite at the top of the food chain.  I’m talking about the people who absolutely cannot function on a daily basis without the help of one of the aforementioned services.  I’m not talking about what we accept as normal society.  Not arguing whether it is their fault or their parent’s fault or the fault of a substance they choose to use.  After a 30 year career as a 911 dispatcher, I’m still bitter.

With that being said.

I have heard many jokes from cops, on the threshold of retirement, threaten dispatchers that they are going to sit on the porch and call 911 every time a stray dog walks in their yard.  Why is this funny, you ask.  Because this is the life of cops and dispatchers…this is acceptable behavior from those people I was talking about who absolutely cannot function on a daily basis without the help of emergency services and feel they have the right to clog the emergency system with their 911 to the detriment of someone who may be dying in a house fire. ….and quite frankly, these people are not held in very high regard…so this is not so much funny but a gallows type humor, so to speak.

So….I was sitting on the deck yesterday watching the geese on the pond….as they landed on land, they started creeping up into the yard … one little step-peck at a time until they were no longer on HOA yard but MY YARD.

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WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, GOOSE?

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I love the geese who have made their home here in the neighbor…I just don’t love the evidence left in my yard once they step-peck-honk back to the water.  First, I thought about calling one of my old 911 peers and telling them there are geese in my yard – send a cop….and then I wanted to call the HOA President (who also happens to be a 911 dispatcher here) and tell him that I want these geese required to carry poop (oh NO there is that word again) bags to clean up after themselves.  But, I didn’t.  I just enjoyed the little scenario playing around in my head!

All of this because I’m retired, recovering from surgery and apparently don’t have enough to do!

Until next time….

06.17.15
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Poop

I have “never discussed” what used to be a “never discussed” subject as much as I have in the last 3 months.

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When I was diagnosed with diverticulitis, the doctor told me that the way to avoid this in the future is to not get constipated.

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I must say I can count on one hand the times I have been constipated in my life.  My poop seemed to be the most important thing on everyone’s mind.  Like wack-a-mole bouncing in and out of the room with one question.  Have you pooped?

After the diverticulitis healed, I went back to my fiber infused diet.

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I don’t like the word poop and, for the most part, thought it was just used by children or talking to children to distinguish between number 1 and number 2  Although my mother didn’t use the number designation nor explain it to me so I never REALLY knew what everyone was talking about.  My mother used  the word bowel movement or BM   *shiver…while more anatomically correct, I still cringe when I hear those words!  Through my life, I have occasionally thrown out the “shit” word as an expletive so you would think I would be okay with it, but I would find it offense if the doctor in his pristine white jacket adorned with his embroidered name would walk in and say, Have you shit?

Prior to kidney surgery, I was required to clean my colon.  YES! I must say that walking around with a pristine colon is something that I wouldn’t mind sharing with others.  But I couldn’t figure out how to bring it up.  I vote that that our colon health is more important than appendage length, manscaping or female breast size or shape but as a society, we roll those topics off our tongue ad nauseum.

After kidney surgery, every time a doctor or nurse walked into the room the conversation began with those 3 words “have you pooped”.  I later learned that these folks aren’t so concerned about whether I have pooped or not but really just want to know if I have passed gas.  Why don’t you just ask?

Yesterday at the week followup the doctor’s first question to me in front of him was, “Have you pooped”.  Heretofore, he had no idea that I even participated in that crap.

Enter Doc-Q-Lace, the medication used to soften the whole process so as to avoid pain while the insides are healing.  I looked this morning and it really works…kind of a soft, petal like event.

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I actually started this post because I went to the internet to look up words to be used instead of poop.  Ya…don’t do that…I’m totally screwed up now.

Until next time…

07.25.08
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Let’s have that discussion

If you are reading this with your morning bran muffin…stop now, swallow, digest and come back.  Today we are going to talk about a topic that has taken over my life….poop.  People seldom discuss this taboo subject until they hit the 85 year mark and then all the poo talk that has backed up over the years seems to spring forth like those under 85 talk about the weather.  I’m not sure I’ve had a discussion with my mother or my aunt in the last few years that, at some point, hasn’t included talk about their bathroom habits.  Don’t want to know …. why do they think this is something they should talk about to everyone….I still cringe when I go to the doctor and someone asks me when was my last _____ ________.  Know what I mean?  Speaking of poo….

Cats have wonderful digestive tracks…we should be so lucky…everyday when I’m scooping cat poo from 2 cats who produce more in a day that my 3 large dogs, I wonder… 1) why can’t we teach dogs to poo in a box; 2) how can they possibly produce so much poo and 3) when begging for him to let me get cats – why did I say I would clean out the litter box and he didn’t have to touch them.  Kate and Luke were going to teach Zelda how to poo in the toilet…wonder how that is going for them?  Why do the cats sit in the basement and watch me scoop poo and then as soon as I’m finished, they crawl into the litter box and well, poo again.  I don’t get it….and why do these precious dogs of mine like to eat cat poo.  “he” calls them doggie tootsie rolls..I know…it’s a groaner but he doesn’t fail to mention it to anyone that we know well enough to discuss bathroom habits….and what is more…why do some dogs eat dog poo…this just seems wrong.  Everyone I’ve ever discussed this with say..”some dogs just do that”.  My son-in-law, Ryan said that he started feeding his german shepherd more food because he thought he was just hungry and that took care of the problem.  I tried it.  Nope…I think Marshal is probably just a closet poo eater.

….and then the question that has bugged me since I was a child.  Do you fold or crinkle..does your significant other fold or crinkle…how about your best friend?  I remember being a small child and seeing my  mother in the bathroom meticulously folding her toilet paper square by square (Too bad I didn’t pick up on this clue when I was younger).  I have always crinkled.  I crinkle because I have always thought it much more efficient.  Folding seems to just sllliiide by where as crinkling gives it different form and allows it to reach all nooks and crevices…By crinkling, I think you can get by using less toilet paper because in a scrunched ball, you can use less because you don’t have to worry about any finger poking thru issues….and now that you can buy double rolls of toilet paper, I can hardly stand a single roll anymore.  Somehow a double roll seems substantial, safe, the little face in the roll says “I’ll always be there for you”.  Now when I get a new single roll, I feel cheated..I love the double rolls…

…and the most important topics shy of world hunger and world peace…hanging the toilet paper on the holder.  I think back in the days of color printed toilet paper that it looked better with the end going over the roll but I prefer it to go under.  I don’t know why anyone thinks it comes off the roll better when it goes over…I think just the opposite…although it doesn’t look very good when it is hanging down behind,  but then, who lets their toilet paper hang down…I remember when great newspaper columnist, Ann Landers, did some stories on over or under toilet paper rolls, they were probably some of her most well-read columns… At one time, I thought perhaps you could choose your friends by their toilet paper habits…but, I soon learned that was not possible because I have some very good friends who absolutely refuse to change their hanging rules…although I think they crinkle so I can get past the whole hanging thing.

I have another irritation and that is the waste of dental floss in this country…but we’ll talk about that later….