My friend Terri was in my head this morning when she posted a picture on FB of a cup of espresso – She captioned the picture “a few extra shots of espresso and new pens….it’s going to be a great Monday”. Oh Terri…I totally get it!
I have a brand new package of 12 multi-color gel pens laying on my desk…I have a partially opened (to grab the purple) package of multi colored gel “glitter” pens in the top desk drawer and I also have an orange zippered canvas pencil holder with my very favorite colored gel pens that I’ve picked up individually just because I can’t resist the color.
I love smooth writing pens…love them…I write a lot…I write haikus, I write notes for haikus – I jot a lot. I take very brief notes at work and often use different color pens to separate notes for different callers. I jot myself don’t forget notes… while on the phone I make stars and color them in, I make faces, I jot down and play with my favorite letters or favorite words. Yesterday I filled out doctors office paperwork with aqua…I hesitated but completed the task in bold, beautiful aqua because that is who I was yesterday!
It’s Monday…be brave…be a beautiful color!
I woke up around 5 this morning, chatted with a bestie on line, tried to read a book which I’m not finding fascinating but I feel it does enhance my language skills since I’m not talking very much. There are a few big words in it which I hope I would pronounce correctly due to the fact reading written words is much different than wrapping your tongue around them. I knew the book could not satisfy me like a good sunrise on a clear day….and then I thought…I can be at the grocery store when it opens at 7 and avoid all of the angst of people.
It was freeking depressing. There were a few cars in the lot and every person in there other than cashiers were my age and older….and everyone looking like they did exactly what I did. Grabbed clothes hanging on the end of the bed and off to the store. Depressing…because I could feel it and see it in their faces. It was a totally different experience than a trip to the store during the heart of the day or after 5 pm.
There were no smiles, no nodding of the head. They slowed down on approach and actually stopped. I considered turning my cart around and going the other way so they would be more comfortable…but I realized this would not work looking at the big picture.
I tried to avoid everyone the best I could. I kept a smile on my face, love in my eyes and blessed everyone in the confines of my life in that moment. With the frequently blasted death sentence of the corona virus, older folks are genuinely scared and we need to respect that and love them with everything we have.
When it comes right down to the bottom line…most of the crap I give energy to in my day absolutely does not matter….often the rapid ego crises fires off one after the other as I move on to another earth shattering decision I need to make about my hair or what shoes to wear with my jeans.
On my journey, I read and think I have absorbed the difference between thinking with my ego brain…the fear brain or my spirit brain. That fear brain full of I’m not good enough, what if, this could happen, what do they think, if I do that, why is she such a bitch, why is he driving like that, why would she wear that, what will they think if I do it? And the difference in brains. My spirit brain which is fueled by love but most importantly, my spirit brain only recognizes what is happening right here…right this moment. If I’m not thinking about the next moment with my fear brain, I can be in the moment right now where life is happening and it has nothing to do with what if or what they or should I. It’s right now. What do I see, what can I feel, what do I hear right now.
This blog wrote itself after a text from a beloved about an E.R. visit. I went full bore into OMG mode, what if. Irrational fear gripped me until I recognized the behavior. Stop, breath in and out feeling every breath, center myself to what is happening at this moment…right now…..right now all is well.
Hope this helps someone else in crisis mode!
Watching Jax sit on Papa’s lap this morning watching SquareBob Stretch pants…or whatever it is called…I realized that my husband of 36 years is simple. I’ve known for many, many years that there is something genuine, calm but with a short fuze but peaceful in his soul. I used to envy his ability to sit during a house-is-a-mess-things-need-to-be-done hurricane and turn it all off and read a book. I asked him many times how do you shut things off and not jump from the high dive into the deep end…he always said…I just don’t think about it. Actually this used to piss me off beyond belief but I also wanted it – I wanted the peaceful soul. I still do.
I think it has to do with upbringing – there were no pressures on him as a child other than to be a child. While I don’t think he necessarily learned what I consider adult responsibilities as a child, he learned peace. Unfortunately in our early days together, I had a whip trying to beat our life into a frenzy of perfection of my goals and he wanted me to relax.
I’m getting there. I am giving myself permission to relax and do what I want to do now…and he has evolved into the perfect husband.
I was overwhelmed with love and thankfulness yesterday when he installed a new water heater…I priced installation through Home Depot – it was outrageous – he said, I can do it. He can do it…he has that kind of mind and ability – when the job needs to be done, he figures out how to do it. With the exception of plumbing…if you are reading this, dear. I don’t want you to do plumbing. My stress level can’t deal with it.
My husband is gentle and loving and has no idea how great he is and how much we all depend on him. It is most evident when love oozes from him with Jaxon. I’m still learning from him.
Until next time….
My friend, Tracy, put this on Facebook this morning.
The first 3 likes were from people who have had a cancer diagnosis. This is so true with all joys and pain we go through in life. When our friends and family step up to say “I’m so happy for you” or I”m so sorry” it helps, it makes us feel loved, it reminds us that we are not in this life alone and love actually does help us to heal! Whether you believe in prayer to God, or just the energy raised up to the universe, there is healing power!
Yesterday afternoon, we finally made the decision to have Billy put to sleep.
The decision ripped at my soul. It was agony…when he was finally at peace, I went to the parking lot leaned on the truck and let the pain and agony release in my sobs. If you have ever loved an animal and had to put them down, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The words from friends on Facebook were healing..each was soaked into my soul so the healing can begin.
But there was a little guilt. My friend, Tam, just lost her son…she left me a message of how sorry she was for my loss. I don’t even have words here. Tam is reaching out to me and has empathy for me for the loss of my kitty compared to the recent loss of her boy….no words.
….so today, I must buck up. I know for awhile I’ll walk into the laundry room and expect to see Billy laying on the dryer turning on his back so I’ll give him some loving. Every time I walk by the pantry cupboard, I will notice the scratch marks where he would scratch to let us know he was up there and deserved a little belly rub. I will miss him from the bottom of my heart. But I will heal and I hope I can send healing energy to someone else in their time of need. I know it works!
Until next time….
When I was just a young thing I remember grabbing my mother’s Good Housekeeping magazine and reading the short stories AND MOST IMPORTANTLY the various monthly surveys and personality tests. I’m assuming I was trying to find assurance that I was normal. Skip forward a few decades and now I’m totally entertained by Facebook tests. While I entertain no illusions that these tests accurately reflect my actual personality, I think it is fun. I enjoy comparing my results to those of my friends…because possibly it does provide some social value to the question…which friend and I are the most alike….or the most different. In the case of my most recent personality test, I find that I’m a red and he and the girls are all orange.
Last night after Jenny ordered Kate to take the test, the teacher in Kate spent a good bit of family “message” time letting us know that there is no way a test which values the question do you honk your horn in traffic has anything to do with how she views love. Love that kid!
But, I did have a huge aha moment when my testing was scored. I agree that depending on our mood, we can make any of the values fit what we perceive as our traits..but this one…
6. How then does each color perceive love?
The Red personality perceives love as being conditional, meaning that they’ll give you their love if you take care of their needs first. Consequently, they have a lot of expectations around what love should be and what they expect from their relationships.
This is me. The people pleaser…the searching for love and buying it by doing things for people….instead of letting the butterfly come rest gently on my shoulders. I used to have a poster hanging on my wall with something about not going after love but let love find you.
I work very hard at being worthy of love. I know this one is a result of my childhood. I knew what I needed to do to make my parents love me…things like dusting the living room until the end tables were shiny…picking dandelions in the yard – all without being asked – I was shown a modicum of love for these actions so I learned that you had to earn love.
My ah-ha moment. I need to work through this and figure out what unconditional love really feels like.
Until next time…..
I have 58 1/2 years of maturity under my belt. I’m sure there are those that I know who would definitely challenge my maturity level at times, for instance, my daughters. We have a message thread between the three of us that is open all of the time. I love it because if one of us has a thought or wants to share something, the thread is open to just put it out there. Last night I laughed and giggled and cried over an innocent comment that I made which had a couple of different connotations that they both picked up on. It was like the pressure valve was opened and this one little comment sent me into hysterical laughing until tears were running down my face. It was a moment which made me love them and cherish them beyond words…the connection, the shared sense of humor, the shared familiarity and knowing that I would love them as adult women even if I hadn’t given birth to them.
Then there are the two old best friends. I have no siblings; but, I have them. At times, the maturity level of these two could come into question. I speak of them together but they have never met. Next to my immediate family, they are the two most important people in my life. I trust them with my life, obviously, considering they both have keys to my skeleton closet. With both of them, I can have a conversation leaving out key words and not finish sentences because we are in sync. We share our life traumas, our insecurities and our joys. I want to know what is going on in their heads that they aren’t saying and they know how to pick and pick and pick into my psyche to get the actual truth out of me. They care…they ask questions…they have the same inner timing…..timing is everything!
This blog post is dedicated to these 4 women in my life. They need to know that if one of them is damaged, my car does not drive safely. I’m pretty sure they all know that they have my heart but it doesn’t hurt to put it into words because we all like to know that we are loved!
Until next time…..
He and I attended the wedding of the son of one of my BFFs tonight. (I have 2 by the way) (I’m very lucky) It was the most enjoyable, romantic ceremony I have ever attended. If I describe it as quiet – you probably won’t understand. It was quiet and it was calm and it was genuine and it was love. The ceremony was held at the country home of the brides parents. Outside in a beautiful setting of chairs, tent and nature. The officiate was a long time friend of the groom who spoke softly and with loving emotion. There was a vocalist with her guitar and her microphone and her amazing voice to set the mood. There was no rocking your senses with loud organ music, overplayed wedding songs and noise. It was quiet. Somewhere over the Rainbow sung by the previously mentioned melodic singer was the music behind the attendants walk to the front…a pause… the bride made her way to the front. There was no church service…no raised voices…no preaching..there was only the officiates introduction to the love he has witnessed between the bride and groom, the exchange of vows, a poem read by an emotional friend of the couple, the kiss and the presentation of the couple. Not one time was I uncomfortable because I was feeling bad for the vocalist hitting a wrong note…there was not one time that I wanted to scream stop talking,…there was not one time I wished I were somewhere else. It was beautiful, it was calm, it was quiet, it was genuine and it was love!