Last night I posted over there on Facebook that something has shifted in the universe today. I don’t know what it is..but I’m feeling uneasiness and change.  Kimba questioned me on it this morning…I tried to explain that it isn’t necessarily a Nina feeling…it is more a universe feeling.  The more I’ve thought about it, I question whether it may be rooted in anxiety and over stimulation.  Her questioning made me try to recall the days that I used to get these feelings often and those days were filled with lots of anxiety.  It’s probably just a signal from my little brain and not the universe that I need to prioritize and chill. 

It’s cool and raining today..but not what the bro and sis-in-law are getting in Kansas…We are at 41…they are at 29 with ice covering everything.  Where have I been..Does this always happen in Kansas and I just didn’t know about it before.  I was actually envious when I heard they were moving from Indiana to Kansas because I thought they wouldn’t have any more winters.  Someone needs geography or climetology 101.

I let the dogs out this morning – normally they run down the steps biting at each other and do their perimeter check, do their business and lay down.  This morning they just stood on the porch with the breeze ruffling their hair and sniffed the air.  They stood very still and just sniffed the air.  I stood and watched them…there is a lesson to be learned.

Speaking of Dog.  I’m a Dog the Bounty Hunter fan.  I love the show.  I am fascinated with Dog and Beth and the family.  I have a total crush on Duane Jr but he obviously pissed daddy off and isn’t with the group anymore.  I visited their shop when we were in Hawaii, I proudly wear a t shirt and sweatshirt…You don’t have to like them…but I do…they do not make any attempt to conform to societal standards.  I love that.  Anyway, Edith, back to the point.  I just read something about their show coming to CMT.  The comments were nasty.  Most of the comments had nothing to do with their show but an attack on Dog and Beth and their looks.  Ya.  Dog is eccentric with his long blond, obviously dyed mullet and Beth kind of stands out…But is this a reason to hate them?  They are different so we totally lambast who they are.  Seriously?

Until next time.

 

Procrastination and Anxiety

I am not a procrastinator for the most part…but, of late, I find myself totally overwhelmed with things I need to do..things I have logged in my mind…and I have no idea why I can’t get it together and get them done.  When Katy was getting down to the wire planning the wedding, she called with the typical OMG anxiety…with a lot on her mind.  I told her simply to make notes.  Now I”m not normally a note maker because somehow it feels less competent than remembering everything..but that was my advice to her.  and yes…I know my lack of note taking and the reason behind it just sounds ignorant!!

I get to that place when I have completed a project and think..Okay..now what..then the thousand things start their parade thru my mind and I feel overwhelmed and frustrated.

Today I made the doc appointment, the mammo appointment and the post office passport app appointment.  I feel better…sort of..but what am I forgetting?

Until next time…

Ohio for Easter…

We are going to Kate’s house in Ohio for Easter…I told mom that we were going and she needed to go to Aunt Frances’ house while we are gone…she decided she would have Dana take her on the Wed before…like the 6th…she called me last night at work a little after 2300 and asked me to get her $200 cash Monday because she was going to need it when she went to Des Moines..she couldn’t quite remember when it was…I told her that we had over a week and I would get her money.  Today “he” was working on the boat in her basement garage and she yelled at him…asked him to take her to Aunt France’s house today because Dana is sick..but she had to get her meds etc…he agreed to do this…He is a saint.  So he took her to Des Moines and got her adjusted at Aunt France’s house..as adjusted as anyone can be in that situation.  Ahhhhh all is well.

2200 hours tonight (Monday which is the same day he took her) she calls to say she can’t find her meds…okay..she’s right – he missed getting them out of the car when he dropped her off…she asked if we were planning to go to Des Moines this week…I said, well, no we are working…but told her somehow we would get her meds up to her…she said…..well either that or come get me and take me home…I said..Why would you want us to do that…she said Aunt Frances was making her nervous and she didn’t want to be up there for 10 days.  I told her that it was no one’s fault but her own..she solely made the decision to go up early and we wouldn’t be bringing her back and then turn around and drive her back to Des Moines next week….I wanted to scream at her that out of the goodness of his heart, he took her to Des Moines today and spent an enormous amount of time chauffering her around when he wanted to be doing something productive and had his own agenda for the day.

You know, (rhetorical) I lived in a vaccum for so long wondering what was wrong with me…why did I have such issues with my mother..why couldn’t I just get along..this is not the way you should treat or feel about your mother…the times I made an effort to talk to her and see if we could work something out and she always said she didn’t know what she was doing wrong…ya, uh huh…not until my dad died, and therapy started and I did a lot of soul searching did I realize I just had a bad relationship with her and nothing was going to make it better.  She was the adult and I shouldn’t have had to take care of her…anyway…my girls would really like me to put all of this behind me and  not take her personally…it’s hard…I know this is what I should do…but the distrustfulness and pain and anger are very, very deep.  I’m better than I was yesterday and tomorrow I will be better than I am today…and that folks, is what it is all about….Onward and upward….

Until next time…..

My life taking care of the oldsters….

92 year old Aunt Frances (lives with 90 year old mother next door) called me a little after 1am yesterday morning, said she was in terrible pain and I needed to come over.  How many times this has happened, I can’t begin to explain..grrrrr.  When I got there, Aunt Frances asked me to feel her hernia, it was very solid…this is a hernia she has had many years; I knew this was not a good sign.  In the middle of a rain storm – can you believe that – I hauled her into the ER where they found her to have an incarcerated hernia which would require emergency surgery to repair.  She was afraid.  Being the God fearing woman she is, I thought it was okay to tell her that she would die without the surgery.  I could see the fear and indecision in her eyes.  I asked her if she was afraid of dying.  She said no but she really liked living.  She said, I’m in God’s hands.  I told her there were really two things that could happen…she would either survive and come back here or go home.  She decided to have the surgery.  They wheeled her in around 6:15a and it was all over at 7:15 and after an hour in recovery, I heard her coming down the hall before I saw her.  She was on demerol, away from my mother for awhile…her life was good.  Surgery went well.

Before you judge me on the rest, either read my previous blogs about my narcissistic mother, or trust me when I tell you she has been very difficult and it took me lots of therapy, medication and the peace of God to not find a way to kill myself when my dad died and left me with her.  My aunt gave up a go-getter life in Des Moines when my mother begged her to get her out of the nursing home and live with her last December.  Aunt Frances wanted to give her Christmas and a month at home to get things in order then mom would go back to the nursing home and she would move back to Des Moines…to her church and her friends…needless to say, she just can’t bring herself to be responsible for moving mom back into the nursing home.  She is a much better person than I am.  My mother fights and competes with her day and night and does not believe for a second that my aunt is living there to take care of her…anyway…I wasn’t going to get in to this garbage.

At 5:30 this morning, mom calls Dana – (the daughter of a good friend of mine who takes care of them 3 x a week) and begged Dana to drive over here and take her to the hospital because she was alone.  Then once there, not to be outdone by Aunt Frances, she had to go to the emergency room because she was having a pain in HER stomach. Ya…she’s constipated.

Meanwhile, because I was at the hospital all night, Jenny went to DM to pick Katy up at the airport.  I tried to sleep on and off today but had insomnia because I could not figure how I was going to get to see Katy..get my mother home from the hospital and “deal” with her etc etc.  I have the two best girls in the world, they took care of it for me..they went to see Aunt Frances – who was totally enjoying the demerol and brought g’ma home – got her situated and made life so much easier for me.  Kate took me aside and said she had thought a lot about it, and I needed to remember that g’ma has an extreme psychiatric disorder and at least she isn’t mean like a lot of other old people…ya…she got that out of her system when I was young.  I have to honestly say that it feels so good to have someone take care of me instead of my history of the other way around.  “He” takes care of me too – but I always feel guilty when he has to deal with her because it just seems above and beyond the call of husbandry.

The big thing I learned about myself today is that I’ve been away from all of mom’s crap for awhile..I just don’t get involved unless there is an emergency..and I’m much better…but whenever I have to deal with her or figure out how to deal with her, I revert back.  Today and tonight I found myself food binging.  I haven’t eaten everything I could get my hands on for a long time – it’s not normal stress – it is mother and aunt Frances stress..so now I know that I have some work to do on the old psych.

If you are still reading this, thanks…today’s novel was for me to get the feelings out so I can deal with them and move on.

:: edit:: Oh great…it’s Friday the 13th