I was sitting “indian” style on the exam table in the ER on my 59th birthday when the doc told me that I have a large tumor on my left kidney and it is most likely malignant…but first we need to get this diverticulitis abscess taken care of.  He and Jenny were in the room with me and they had, what I believe, was the typical reaction to learning someone you love probably has cancer.  I’m not sure what I felt…my immediate reaction was well, okay, guess we will have to deal with it.  The thought also crossed my mind that I probably won’t realize my big fear of the girls having to deal with dementia and me.  His mother has very few, if any, real lucid moments.  Gena’s mom just entered a nursing home because the family was no longer able to safely care for her and her dementia.  I just never wanted my family to have to live with this burden.  But I also didn’t want to live to be 91 years old, sad, depressed, hurting and unable to die because I was so afraid…. and be completely lucid. After they moved me to my room that night, I had my shock meltdown with an angel of a nurse.  Because of pain and medication, it was several weeks before I had another “I’m not ready to die” breakdown.  I called upon my girls to talk me down off the ledge that night.  For the most part, I’ve felt genuinely positive and strong until I woke up Sunday morning…I was totally pissed off.  I think because my dreams have been angry and frustrated, my sub conscious may be dealing with some thoughts and emotions that I have not allowed to surface. I belong to a Facebook kidney cancer survivor’s group.  I decided that I was going to stay off the internet and allow my emotions to occur by what is going on with me and not the worst case  percentages found on the internet.  For the most part, I’m getting positive feedback from this survivor’s group and I’m sure I will appreciate them more when I’m actually going through surgery, physically recovering and living with the pathology. Yesterday, Jenny reminded me that I still have better than a 10 percent chance that this isn’t cancer – but due to the size, it is highly likely.  She reminded me that the doctors have said they believe it is contained in my kidney and not metastasized …. that the fact is kidney cancer probably won’t be what kills me… and she pointed out the fact that I could be walking around the pond, slip, hit my head on a rock and drown. I have not worried about that before!!! Until next time….