This time around in my “normal” weight quest…and I use that term without the slightest idea what it really is…I’ve been trying to figure out why I eat. Unfortunately, I know that I have a long painful road to recovery. When I was a child, I ate when I got home from school out of boredom. Helen worked..as she told me..not because she had to because we could live on Daddy’s paycheck but just so that you – meaning me – could have all of the nice things I have. GUILT. She had her own schedule..always an excuse why she couldn’t get to work until 09:20 at the law office…and she couldn’t get home until 5:30 or 6:30…I couldn’t go outside and play when I got home from school, nor could I have friends in the house..so I ate. She used to hide cookies from me…that was a huge quest for me. She was never as good at hiding as I was at finding. Lots of guilt there when I would eat the hidden cookies then be interrogated later about where they went. Well, where in the hell do you think they went…Then when she would get home, she would force me to eat whatever she ate…because…I filled up with junk food when I got home from school and that was no reason not to eat a good meal with her.
I truly believe that is my problem…and it is probably the topic I should revisit in therapy next week. I have found that I can intellectually know a lot of things about myself..but when it comes to the emotions that drive my psyche, I’m helpless. I used to believe that therapy could be accomplished talking to a good friend…and that does help…but a therapist..at least my Lisa…gets in there and digs..then I have to have a week, 2 weeks, whatever to let my subconscious decipher just what garbage I dug up. Eating seems to be the topic that I, obviously, have not gotten deep enough. I think one of the issues is: I KNOW I’M ANGRY… haven’t made it over the edge to peaceful. I will get there.
On my journey, I’ve discovered that afternoons are as dangerous as homemade bread, peanut butter, honey and glazed donuts. With this reality thought this morning, I wonder if I’ve actually jumped another hurdle. When I’m home alone, I’m very strong in the mornings…I eat only because I’m hungry… dinner and before bed, I usually like some type of sweet snack after supper…but I”m not a big before bed eater like “he” is. But afternoon….all I can think about is food…everything I do, including those activities that usually make it difficult to eat while doing, I think about snacks…something there…just need to think it thru a little more.
Until next time…