I made a serious error at work last night…this wasn’t just a stupid mistake and it certainly wasn’t intentional and no “harm” was done to the victim but it could have been catastrophic…I had too many things to do at the same time…these were not life and death things but several officers wanting something from me at the same time…this obviously created a vapor lock which made me totally blow off what I was doing at the moment.  This in no way should be taken as an excuse…this is what happened.  I’m sure the bosses took some heat during day shift today…maybe not..but, I guess that is why they get the big bucks.  I’m note even sure that when I go to work tonight I won’t make another mistake…I’m feeling very vulnerable…I’m feeling gun shy…I don’t really want to get back up on that bike seat…this is not about whether I will be disciplined…there is hardly anything (other than losing my job) which will make me feel any worse than I already do.  I, so don’t have perspective, that if I were a supervisor, I don’t even know what I would do…I’ve been in a dark room between awake and slumber all day just thinking…and what I figured out is…this total need for perfection comes from my school report cards. 

I was not a good student…I was good with english…I had a good head on my shoulders about how to get by.  I sucked at math…because I had bad teachers or because I have no mathematical aptitude – we’ll never know.  I didn’t care about history because my mother always spouted how she hated history…and at the time, I had no interest in science…therefore, I was a bad student and I didn’t care.  I don’t believe I had the slightest ideas about life and school was just something to get thru.  I didn’t have the type of parents who taught me to value education…I had no clue after a year at bible college that I could actually go to a college and get loans without my parents helping me.  Quite frankly, I had no idea that I should go to college.

The only thing I knew was that if I brought home a bad report card – bad was a “c” or anything below, that I was sick.  I was sick and scared and petrified for my mother to come home because she was brutal…but it didn’t change anything.  She didn’t encourage me to do better…she threatened me that I must get a better report card or else.  I don’t remember my dad ever talking to me about the report card – no discussion.  I was scared to death of the mother, though…so that brings me to question…why didn’t I apply myself because that obviously was a consequence…a raging mother if I had a bad report card – perhaps I didn’t really put the two together.

While I was laying in bed today – I felt the sickness in my gut, that total fear, that horrible feeling that I had done something really bad, that total fear that keeps me on the right track…that total fear that used to make me demand perfection from others…that total fear of the day I had to bring home the report card to my mother.

I have no choice…I’m a big girl now…I have to go to work tonight…I will be disciplined – although disciplined about a screw up which had no intent seems a little wrong.  Quite frankly, any discipline handed down will not be any worse than the self annihilation I went thru today.