We have been quite content following quarantine rules… content might not be the word I want to use…*exchange content with safe. As long as we are home or outside on the walking trail, I’ve felt safe and secure…it felt comfortable. No decisions had to be made while thriving in my bubble.
Now the Governor is opening up the state on May 4th. Mayors in several cities close to the KC Metro have given May 15th as opening day. People are still getting sick…yes…not as many perhaps…but I always find it incredible when someone rationalizes the low percentage of people that may die. I saw a Facebook post recently that asked “those” people who were comfortable with a small percentage of people dying to please write down the names of two people in their family they were willing to sacrifice in order to have the freedom to get back to what they believe normal is.
I came to the conclusion after overthinking Covid-19 that it really isn’t fear that is causing me to avoid crowds or avoid contact with other people when I have no idea who they have been in contact with. But I guess it must be a little bit of fear…I don’t want to get sick…whether its a bad head cold, influenza or Covid-19 virus. It’s kind of like deciding if I want to lose an eye, a hand or a foot. I don’t want to lose any of them.
So for now, I don’t plan on lifting my personal restriction on practicing social distancing…staying at home, washing my hands, coughing into my elbow and wearing a mask if I do venture out. It’s what I feel is right for me. I don’t begrudge the humans that want to start shopping and dining out, etc. I hope they stay healthy, I hope we can lift up this virus to a level that it will take care of itself, I hope for good medication or better yet a vaccine… but I am comfortable with my personal choice to stay home and stay healthy.
I really wish I had pictures of HIM crawling around on the floor in my craft room repeating over and over…it’s not under here. It couldn’t get under here.
This was right after I went into a panic because there was a wet spot on the floor under the master bathroom. I moved the trash can to catch any drips. And then I recalled that two hours earlier I had leaned over to plug in my space heater with my IPAD in one hand and my jumbo Bubba cup in the other. Obviously a couple drips of water……
Where is the Roomba
Not under the day bed, not in the bathroom, there’s no way it could get under the desk, not under the craft cabinet…I accused him of messing with me…in his sternest voice he assured me that he absolutely was not messing with me.
Much Later I was cleaning up supper dishes (because there is absolutely no hurry to do them anymore) I was drawn to this cupboard….
No….the Roomba wasn’t in there…
I was starting to feel totally detached from reality. I had no idea what was behind this cupboard door. I’m not sure I have even opened that door since I put the plastic containers in it obviously a long time ago. Those same plastic containers I’ve been searching for.
Rex is sleeping like this
Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my sense of reality and just need to get out of this house…or perhaps just add different music to my playlist. But my music is so comfortable, I don’t have to question what song is next. Don’t misunderstand most of the time I actually feel pretty happy and content but things just feel like they aren’t where they belong….
Oh…the Roomba….he crawled completely under the desk which is barricaded on all sides by important stuff. Somehow It was stuck in a corner. The thought crossed my mind that if that thing had come to life under there while I was working at the computer, it would have been all over!
My daughter put random pictures on line last weekend of her cousins playing and posing for pictures over the years. Looking at those pictures, I was filled with so many memories. It seems like just yesterday.
In 2013, we had one daughter living in Ohio and one in Missouri. HE had already officially retired and was working part time waiting for me to retire the next year when we found out the Missouri daughter was going to give us a grandchild. We made the decision to leave everything we had ever known and move south . We loaded up 2 dogs and 5 cats and made the official move on the same day I was free of a job I had for 30 years. Where had those 30 years gone? It seems like just yesterday.
The first part of March we really had no idea how our life was going to change. It seems like just yesterday. Life as we had known it…family, trips back to Iowa to see family and friends, planning babysitting activities, going out to eat, shopping and our activities at Unity….they just stopped! It seemed like everything just stopped! I can’t wrap my head around how life has changed for the world…not just my little corner.
We are coping. That means whatever it means for each individual and the circumstances of their lives! I have to remind myself that we are a strong people. Most of us will survive. My prayer is we can show love and kindness to each human we cross paths with while recognizing the gratitude and thankfulness for all of those little acts of kindness. A few years from now we will remember this time as the moment everything changed. It will seem like just yesterday.
Had I written this blog on Friday, I would have shared my distrust of buying cheap puzzles at Tuesday Morning. I would have told the story of how I victim sighed, traded off with irritation sighing. Tried to explain how he eerily, silently moved around the table examining the puzzle, also feeling irritated, but much quieter. I’m never sure if his reaction is good breeding or fear!
This is more of a Dear Diary entry to get the story written down but feel free to read along.
We started this 1000 piece puzzle a couple weeks ago, tired quickly of the daunting challenge and left it on the dining room table covered with a sheet. I didn’t love the thought and wasn’t in the mood to work on it but recoiled with shocked sighing when he suggested we put it back in the box and do it later. I was pretty sure that later would not come knowing we would have to do the outside edge again…so over the next few days, we worked on it together and then I realized it was becoming an obsession because we also worked on it individually….early morning and late at night.
The turning point came Friday when we realized there had to be a lot of pieces missing
Ya. Let’s dump it.
But I decided Saturday morning to give it one more try. A few hours later when the last piece was placed, we realized 6 pieces were in fact missing. So we started lifting carpets, vacuuming, moving things. One by one, we found every piece camouflaged on the rug and on the dining room floor.
It was finished and it was beautiful. We stood around the table discussing all of the challenges….how difficult the bananas were, the blue grapes drove me crazy … oh there’s a coconut, “well you put it together” but together we created a masterpiece…
Then we tore it apart, boxed it up and pulled the next one out of the closet.
He is thinking about going to the front yard today, he spent time in the backyard yesterday.
I lost my dirty green sweatshirt and found it in the dirty clothes basket so I was forced to find it’s replacement…bright white
I cut my own bangs. I look twelve and this is not what I meant when I said I wanted to look younger.
We continually work on this 1,000 piece vegetable puzzle. Purple grapes had me questioning my life and my choices but made headway last night…I think we are already missing some pieces…damn cats! I think you can see the fake smiles in this picture and I notice It appears he is using his strength clutching the box to lessen his angst.
This lovely Christmas gift from the kids has become the most exciting thing in our life. When the yellow finch is dining, Rex is able to fly through the air and bump into the Window…the bird flies off and Rex gets sprayed with the water bottle which means the window is constantly wet with running drips. Of course this may be the only cleaning they get this spring. I’m way too busy.
My daughter sent THIS ARTICLE to me this morning. The author, Julio Vincent Gambuto, put into words what I’ve been feeling since I CHOSE to Shelter at home prior to the order being handed down from the Governor: “What has happened is inexplicably incredible. It’s the greatest gift ever unwrapped. Not the deaths, not the virus, but The GREAT PAUSE”.
There is no doubt the extreme anxiety experienced across the globe will change our lives…there will be a new normal. There is no doubt people are experiencing many different emotions from distrust of our government and each other to the deep sorrow experienced by loss of health and loss of life. Each one of us will have our own “story” to tell when this is over. I am confident everyone will not write the same narrative of events we are collectively experiencing.
I feel like a deep breath is needed. A deep breath of acceptance because there really is nothing we can do about this individually. And perhaps that is the lesson to be learned here. This is everyone…this is the population of the globe. This is different that anything I have experienced in my lifetime. Is it appropriate to say..we need this. As a society, as a country, as a world, we were living one disaster after another. We are cliques of people hating other cliques of people. We are destroying the earth one plastic milk carton at a time while having no reverence for our lands, our trees and our wildlife.
This is a huge pause. It will make a difference. We will make a difference together once we understand the rules of the game.
When I write blogs, I love to get into that place where the words just have a life of their own. When I write, thoughts and words just merge into their own lanes so when I go back to read it for typos….I’m even surprised. Like today’s title….to save my life. I thought WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? Oh ya…from my mother in the 1960’s!
I am embarrassed to think about how much time I have spent binge watching TV in the last few years. The old TV show, Closer, which rolled right into Major Crimes when Brenda aka Kyra Sedgwick left the show was the biggie. He and I watched episodes back to back for months. I thought about the show when I wasn’t watching it..I was consumed. Reruns of Boston Legal was before that. Let’s just say I have a binge history and I’m just not comfortable spilling the details of my varied, crazy, ridiculous addictions *cough Dog The Bounty Hunter.
Now, in the midst of sheltering at home due to the pandemic, I can find NOTHING that grabs my interest on TV. In the back of my mind I want something to sink my teeth into…instead I’ve been spending time online reading articles, I’m reading books, I’m zooming with Unity groups, I’m keeping up with Family with a daily continuous message thread and FaceTime. I’m walking everyday and I’m sleeping like a baby!
I’ve given some lip service about how I think this pandemic could change me, society, the world. Cleaning us up ecologically, forcing us to embrace the “quieting”. We can read, do projects, express ourselves in our hobbies, get out into nature and actually see, feel and hear it. Listen to ourselves in the solitude without the life distractions. When negative thoughts enter, I’m working to stop them when they darken doorway. I am what I think. Negative thoughts will run right into each other in the hallway of fear and panic. Catch them…stop them…I started saying STOP outloud, then I can focus on what is happening right here right now. Ive found it is just as possible to develop positive habits of thinking as it was negative habits of thinking!
I woke up around 5 this morning, chatted with a bestie on line, tried to read a book which I’m not finding fascinating but I feel it does enhance my language skills since I’m not talking very much. There are a few big words in it which I hope I would pronounce correctly due to the fact reading written words is much different than wrapping your tongue around them. I knew the book could not satisfy me like a good sunrise on a clear day….and then I thought…I can be at the grocery store when it opens at 7 and avoid all of the angst of people.
It was freeking depressing. There were a few cars in the lot and every person in there other than cashiers were my age and older….and everyone looking like they did exactly what I did. Grabbed clothes hanging on the end of the bed and off to the store. Depressing…because I could feel it and see it in their faces. It was a totally different experience than a trip to the store during the heart of the day or after 5 pm.
There were no smiles, no nodding of the head. They slowed down on approach and actually stopped. I considered turning my cart around and going the other way so they would be more comfortable…but I realized this would not work looking at the big picture.
I tried to avoid everyone the best I could. I kept a smile on my face, love in my eyes and blessed everyone in the confines of my life in that moment. With the frequently blasted death sentence of the corona virus, older folks are genuinely scared and we need to respect that and love them with everything we have.
……and by mental, I mean what is the story we are telling ourselves. As I wander around the house seeing things that need to be done, I tell myself I don’t really want to do them. These are the exact same things I had all kinds of excuses for back in January and February…you know….the good old days.
Now because the “powers that be” have instituted new rules to keep me safe, I feel like I’m being disciplined. This is in no way a Pollyanna commentary that everything is just fine…there is a lot of suffering. But I am trying to just watch the back-of-my-mind running narration telling me that if this was my choice….a stay at home vacation….needed down time from the busyness, I would not be complaining at all. I would be breathing in the solitude…I would be enjoying the guiltless time to read a book, catch up on TV series I had recorded, settling in for an afternoon movie. It’s not like we are without any options for our leisure time.
Is it safe to say that the angst, anger, boredom in our required downtime is more the story we are telling ourselves than reality…saying “I can’t” rather than “I won’t”. Because of the fear of “catching” the virus and the uncertainty of available health care or for me….mortality, I choose to not have any physical association with others. But if that were not a fear… I have the choice …. like so many others are doing …. ignore the rules in order to satisfy immediate gratification. Theoretically this makes it my choice!
This may be activity day for the egoic voices in my head. This thought pattern was only the first 15 minutes of coffee in my hand, on the couch, waking up….buckle up!
This Science Insider YouTube video popped up very timely on my Facebook Feed. Just as we were putting groceries away. I was wiping everything down with alcohol wipes while I was lecturing my audience of one about my belief in wearing a mask in public.
As you can see by the picture, he hangs on my every word!
Thinking a lot about introverts during this nearly voluntary lockdown. So much thinking!
Ordered groceries from Price Chopper for the very first time this morning. Won’t be the last.. In my head, I assumed I would send a grocery list and would receive 1/2 what I ordered. Ahhh that good old pessimistic thinking. It was spectacular. Constant contact from my “shopper” giving me the option of approving or disapproving of any substitutes. Win/win.
Lots of on line Zoom and Facebook live messenger contacts yesterday. We were freeking busy! It was great. It was a blessing. Do not be afraid to reach out with online conversations and videos. They are easy to navigate and such a lift seeing the smiling faces of lovies!