The Opera of Moving in 3 Acts

Change has a way of revealing who we are at our core. Some people thrive on the excitement and possibility it brings, others adapt out of necessity, and some feel deeply unsettled by it. Moving, especially multiple times, takes resilience and courage. It’s not irresponsibility — it’s a willingness to start over, to chase something new, or to follow where life leads. There’s a quiet strength in that kind of adaptability, even if others can’t always see it.

After years of marriage, I began to sense it — the quiet resistance in him. The way he settled into routine. My judgement. 15 years before he had built two houses on an acreage. One for us and one for my parents who purchased the land. After both parents were gone, I felt the need for a transition and asked him to do some remodeling of their house so we could move. Although, ironically, the idea of moving from the home where we made all of our family memories made me sad. It wasn’t until he moved the cats to the new house while I was working, that I recognized the big decision alone needed the tenderness in the meaningful act that made the new surroundings feel like home. My cats!

5 years later, both daughters were creating their own lives and both had moved away from us. The youngest was newly out of college and setting out to find her right place in the world. The oldest had already built a life in a city four hours away and was starting a family of her own. As fate would have it, a business opportunity presented itself there. It felt as though everything was falling into place…..confirming that this was the right move for us.

Ten years later I was filled with gratitude….the absolute joy of watching our grandsons grow. But, even amidst that joy, something was missing. I wasn’t living in the place where my heart felt at ease. I found myself yearning to return to my roots, to familiar places and faces that had shaped my life. The irresistible pull was welcoming a granddaughter….back home.

After much reflection…with emotions filled with agony, we made the decision to move once more…back home.

ACT 3. Everything came together — the move, the search, the finding of a new place to call home. The tears of sadness linger for the love and laughter we left behind, but tucked safely in the corners of my mind are the echoes of a life will-lived.

It’s taken some time to get settled and to find a rhythm. Today, as I prepared a puzzle table and moved lamps around for just the right light, I paused for a moment in gratitude. Grateful to feel free, to feel at home and to know that all is well enough for me to simply sit in the quiet, listening to the familiar tick of the clock and enjoy the quiet solitude. Let the puzzle angst begin!

Until next time….

I had no idea…

until the morning I woke up at 67 plus about 333 days, that I realized that age is just a number. The designation of age gives us a benchmark of when we can start school, get a driver’s license, know more than our parents, should be married and have children, should/could retire…and the biggie….begin wondering if I’m close to the age when I’m expected to die.

I recently experienced a short bout of depression. I recognized the signs when I started snacking a lot, wanted to only sit in the recliner and read or do New York Times crosswords and binge watch Britbox TV. I had no desire to leave the house for ANYTHING and found I could only communicate via text message. I had moved negative fears and experiences into my house and gave them a bed and 3 meals a day plus snacks! The thing was.. I knew exactly what the catalyst was for my mental burial but I was incapable of working through what was just beyond my grasp…because I could not stop ruminating.

I moved through the fear/sadness and with it came a knowing of how much damage I can do to myself by thinking and trying to control each moment. (my moments and other peoples moments). Attempting to live by a planned outline of my life….which is impossible. It is ridiculous to drive with one foot hovering over the brake. The enlightenment in my THINKING about what is expected at this age (pencil in a number) came by realizing that my thoughts about aging are legends of someone else’s history or the lips of society telling me how I’m supposed to live and think…fears are a hammer and nail.

Blogging away the angst

When I initially started Sharing my irritations, hates, repressed anger, loves and thankfulness on this ninasusan.com blog in 2007, it’s purpose was to make connections with other people. It quickly morphed into a safe place to use as my own personal therapy session. I shared my very painful beliefs and words on a public blogging site because I found that I was receiving feedback from perfect strangers who also found themselves in their own personal hell and we related! I also connected with 6 or 7 perfect humans who now ride in the backseat of my car daily…we share, we commiserate, we love and we hold each other up. I have met face to face with a couple of them….the rest of us feel like we’ve also met in person because we just KNOW each other with our souls!

I remember when I started out, I received some flash back from remain nameless because they couldn’t figure out why I didn’t keep my personal business….personal… I heard them…I understood the question…but, quite unlike my usual MO, I continued writing and sharing because I felt I had to get my hate and disconnect from familial mental abuse out or it would kill me. I needed to have a way to communicate everything I was holding inside and I was too afraid to clip the wires on my jaw and actually say out loud what I thought, what I meant…I did not have the guts to back off from those people who had grown accustomed to my people pleasing.

Someone mentioned to me the other day how much they appreciated how authentic my blogs are. The words from her blessed my heart. We all suffer, we all experience mental or physical ailments, we all have grief, we all have irritations and hateful moments. But we all just want to be heard and we all want to be loved. We are what we think. We are the unkind thoughts we think about others. Just Be Kind! Pass it on. Pay it forward!

Namaste