Losing the need to “tell my story”

When I was in the grips of pain, depression, and overwhelming anxiety which I blamed on my job, my role as caretaker of my elderly mother and Aunt, feeling like an outcast in my husbands family and hating who I was because of the way I was thinking and the way my body looked…whew…I felt like at every opportunity, I needed to tell my story. My story had no happiness but involved my upbringing, my loneliness, my familial burdens as well as every other thing that I considered to be my negative personal affliction. By telling my story, at least I got attention, I had a line of people who felt sorry for me, I had friends who would get down there in the mud and wallow with me. I thought I was fortunate *fist on forehead, that I at least had that!

Each step forward I thought I could make myself feel better by changing my surroundings and my personal appearance but the brick wall I was running into got thicker and thicker. Finally a therapist led me around the brick wall.

Today…I woke up feeling like I was going to have a sensitive pre-holiday day…but I started out mindfully feeling gratitude…I took my oldest grandson to school this morning and he chatted as if he was in my head and knew I needed to hear what he was saying….gratitude. I’m babysitting my 3 year old grandson today and he’s laughing and full of joy…gratitude. I was thinking about Christmas past and I felt gratitude….I was loved and I have friends and family who love me. When my grandson pushed the button on the paw of a toy dog that sings Blue Christmas over and over again, I felt gratitude. My mom bought this stuffed dog for herself a couple years before she died…I felt an unusual thankfulness for my mother and her gift to me of memories of those cherished christmases past. For a moment, I felt myself wanting to rethink my story…the familiar story I used to tell myself… but I just stopped and realized gratitude was my new story and here I am. Right here and right now, I’m so thankful!

Happy Holidays….

I can remember staying in hotels that provided HBO

A part of me was so attracted to the idea of watching HBO all day and all night in the room because we didn’t have it at home…. I recall after looking at the little paper pamphlet left on the desk that listed all the shows playing on HBO during our stay, I was totally irritated because actually there was nothing I thought was worth my time…just a shiny little distraction.

I can remember when staying in a hotel was fun! An adventure. That was before I started paying attention to how dirty the floor might be, how filthy the remote had to be because I saw it on Facebook. Are the glasses really clean or do they just wrap them up?no doubt…you get the picture.

Seeing an HBO pamphlet in our hotel tonight, I had to looks to see if there was anything that piqued my interest even though we have HBO at home now. For some reason, I flashed back to a memory of a Florida trip in 99. It was the week John-John Kennedy was killed. Our oldest daughter had graduated high school and this was our last “family” vacation together. The night in question we had a hotel room in a perfect location to see a space shuttle launch. Of course, not really the launch but we would see something. So He and I and our youngest daughter sat in the parking lot behind our hotel waiting…waiting…waiting….waiting. The 18year old stayed in the room because nothing could drag her away from the continuous news loop about John Kennedy’s death.

Finally, dejected, we went back to our room and as we opened the door she turned and announced ….oh…something happened and they had to scrap the space shuttle launch. At the time, I remember voicing my displeasure that she did not come out and tell us..WE SAT OUT THERE ALL THAT TIME. It seems like something so insignificant now…I wonder if the other 3 would have the same recollection of that night? Memories are not always accurate but when they result in a snicker and love in my heart…I am thankful and feel so blessed!

Until next time…