Some may already think I’m crazy…

I knew when I woke up this morning that I needed to put these thoughts out there.  I know there are a lot of people…my age….younger….older….just trying to find themselves and the all encompassing “meaning of life”.  Many are led by a belief in God (or whatever their religion calls its higher power).  I’ve been there heart and soul.  Living each day, not for the day, but as a stepping stone to what they covet most …. A peaceful, joyful eternity in heaven.

For the last few years, I’ve been seeking the answers to my own anxiety, anger and discontent.  I finally gave myself permission to ask the question, “am I always going to feel this way or can I make changes in the way I view things so that I can enjoy moments for what they are”?  I assumed in The beginning that I would be able to heal my mind one day and be different the next.  That was an unreasonable and, quite frankly, ignorant goal.

If you read yesterday’s blog, I mentioned I was able to enter a meditative state unlike anything I’ve ever reached before during craniosacral therapy.  This meditative state allowed me to find myself as a child in my home of 12 childhood years.  I started with the same scenario I always use to relax myself…in the backyard, laying my sheet on the ground on top of the grass, laying down and letting the sun beat on my young skin.  I have been able to see the brick trash incinerator my dad built, the oak tree in the far corner and felt like I was actually able to turn my head and see the back of our house.  Yesterday, I went further….I saw more….I felt more….I went into the house and lived it, especially the kitchen.  I felt Lennnie Rae and I walking up Timber Lane to the school bus stop….and so many other vivid memories…this incredible power of the mind through total relaxation and meditation.  It makes me emotional…the only other time I have been able to do this was in the 70s when I smoked pot.  That was one of the best parts for me being high.  The surreal memories….. and showers, of course.  Meditation is something I’m going to continue working on.  I know there are things in my mind that I need to deal with to continue my journey in finding myself…there may be some ugliness in there, but I need to find it, deal with it and move on.

Until next time….

The journey of self discovery…

My strong suit is not in making decisions.  Let me back up…30 years as a 911 dispatcher forced me to make split second 911 decisions…so it isn’t that.  I can make decisions on the spot with little forethought or available information…decisions that must be made NOW.  I, most generally, have no problem making buying decisions but frequently I’m guilted with buyers remorse.  But ask me to make a decision about other life questions like where I want to eat dinner and I teeter totter.

So, last week when I sent text messages to a few friends to tell them I was thinking about a trip back to Des Moines and could we get together, I thought to myself…where did that come from.  One minute I was watching TV and the next minute I was texting…no forethought and no regret.  The next few days were full of excitement and anticipation…no second thoughts, no worry, no concern about leaving him at home alone for 4 days.  I was going!

The journey was just what I needed for my soul.  I felt cleansed.  I lined up my schedule, packed my bags, backed out of the driveway and found myself in the moment, depending on myself, clearing my head and taking a huge leap into the unknown.  I didn’t bog myself down with my typical should I Do this or should I do that.  I enjoyed me.  I let the trees and fields of nature and the bright blue sky frame my experience.  I sang at the top of my lungs, I drove the speed limit, I drank copious amounts of coffee.  With each friend visit I lived in the moment…I didn’t prepare…I relaxed….I listened and I talked.  I had a wonderful time with myself.  Another huge step in my journey to self discovery.