There have been times when I was in shape and my hair looked good, that I would be driving on a beautiful sunny days with the tunes blasting and I would have that feeling which can only be described as WOW…LIFE IS GOOD…I’M IN LOVE WITH LIFE….YOU CAN’T GET TO ME TODAY SO DON’T EVEN TRY…. As I got older and older with big girl problems, those feelings went away; in fact I cannot even remember when it happened the last time. But, I was thinking tonight while going thru some photos for scrapbooking…this is so fun…I look forward to it…I can’t wait to get my work done so I can sit down and do it….it is like that whole wind through my hair thing from years past…only different.
Another giddy feeling I used to have is when I went to the library…I would load up 3 or 4 books…not because I would read that many before they were due but because in my effort to always be prepared, I would get that many books so at least 2 or 3 I might like. Then I would head home, knowing I had to play mother, wife, cook or maid and wanted to hurry thru everything so I could sit down and lose myself in a book. I still love to read and do so every day but I don’t have that giddy feeling that I can’t wait to go home and get into a book.
I love to vacation and/or camp…I love the weeks building up to the trip…except for the day just before we leave. I love the prep, the trips to Walmart for possible missed items and I love being better prepared financially now because I know that if I forget something, I can stop and buy it… that takes a lot of pressure off of the preparation…
I look forward to scrapbooking…see paragraph 1…Debbie and Karen and I decided a while back that we would rotate each others houses each month to scrapbook..but have found a real home at Debs which feels loving, safe and comfortable so we haven’t gone anywhere else. Safe and comfortable and loved are good.
Until next time…..
So….I had an eye opener, awha moment the other night with Debbie and Karen. I always think I am pretty good at looking outside the box, but I find the areas where I feel I’ve had to dig my own path by hand, sometimes I just get caught up…I’m mostly speaking here of my maternal upbringing…and my lack of roll models. In this case, I’m talking about watching my 91 year old mother (91 – today) live like hitting a rubber golf ball in a small room. She has no desire to be involved in the outside world and just bounces(wheels) around in her big house all by herself…has no friends; yet thinks the people who deliver her groceries and prescriptions should be listed as her friends. She has a quick tongue yet denies or excuses her behavior…I believe she is truly afraid to die because she only believes in herself and when it is gone…..what. I’ve never ever met anyone as pathetically alone as my mother and she would have it no other way…as long as she can pay someone to take care of her and expects her only child to be there at her beck and call…she’s happy. I have been afraid that is what I”m going to be when I grow old. Not because I think I will follow her path..just that I don’t know any other way as intimately as I know her way. With all of that being said…Deb and Karen and I were talking the other night, while scrapbooking, about getting old..I listened to them converse about the possibility of getting a big house and have friends all live there together and take care of each other. If needed pool resources to hire help…Wow…never occured to me that this was a possibility…now I realize this may not be an awha moment for you…but for me, who has dreaded the aging process and had my blinders on to one way the only way, this brought me JOY….pure joy…there are other ways…I don’t have to be my mother…I have choices…I really have choices…I feel like another veil has been removed and I’m thinking clearer about everything…I’m optimistic..this is not all there is….
Until next time…..