I’m struggling with just doing what I want to do today. I don’t even really know what I want to do today.

I have finally arrived at a place in my life that I don’t have anything I am required to do. I am no longer responsible for keeping my daughters alive on a daily basis, being smothered by the husband’s expectations (which are actually my expectations of what I assume are his expectations), or the rules and beliefs of anyone else outside of myself. I’ve finally realized, mentally, that I really have no control over anything other than my own thoughts in this moment….which, actually is costly rent for the enormous amount of space taken up in my mind’s rental unit.

I’ve been trying to read a book all morning (Verity by Colleen Hoover). But I’ve used the bookmark several times on my kindle in order to: put a load of whites in, take my 15 minute walk around the pond, water the plants, think about why the water continues to drip when the back knob is in the on position on the bidet. Meanwhile every time I would get up for coffee or water, I would see the lap top laying on the other side of the room, knowing I needed to work on cleaning out some very early posts in Ninasusan, jot down some thoughts that are coming to me while reading Verity and endeavor to organize my thoughts about decisions I need to make in May.

At this point, I’m very disappointed in myself that I don’t have more discipline. I “think” what I ‘really think’ is I have expended way more energy on my thoughts of the future and not a single second just ‘being’ while listening to the tinnitus in my ears. Until I realized this fact, I wasn’t even aware my ears were constantly ringing.

And so it is.