I don’t like where I live right now. For the most part I didn’t like where I lived before I moved here. There is an important unveiling happening in my soul as I put together this information this morning.
On a trip back to old home last week I was healed. There was comfort. I went to a concert in a beautiful outdoor setting beside a cornfield in Iowa. The venue is a local winery. The local cover band, Slipstream (that we have been following for many years) ALWAYS raises my spirits…with a mixture of their talent, the music they play and the energy they offer their audience to soak in. This time was especially perfect because I was surrounded by 3 of the 4 girlfriends who have been the love and emotional “tag team” in my life.
Returning to the place I now call home was kind of a downer…well, and a mild hangover from wine and pure joy. After a good night of sleep I woke this morning with a neon light flashing…ok…I get it….
It’s not the place I store my stuff, buy my groceries and pay my utility bills that is the real me. It is all in my heart where I feel my pain/dissatisfaction or love and joy…it’s the place in my soul where I release my expectations and irritations. It’s in me, it surrounds me, it is me just being. It’s not “adopting” the hatred, meanness and dysfunction. It’s recognizing what I don’t want to own and allow it to pass through…it’s all up to me to keep an open heart and release those fears and expectations of my personality which I have learned so well in 6 decades. I am here, I am free, I am.
My strong suit is not in making decisions. Let me back up…30 years as a 911 dispatcher forced me to make split second 911 decisions…so it isn’t that. I can make decisions on the spot with little forethought or available information…decisions that must be made NOW. I, most generally, have no problem making buying decisions but frequently I’m guilted with buyers remorse. But ask me to make a decision about other life questions like where I want to eat dinner and I teeter totter.
So, last week when I sent text messages to a few friends to tell them I was thinking about a trip back to Des Moines and could we get together, I thought to myself…where did that come from. One minute I was watching TV and the next minute I was texting…no forethought and no regret. The next few days were full of excitement and anticipation…no second thoughts, no worry, no concern about leaving him at home alone for 4 days. I was going!
The journey was just what I needed for my soul. I felt cleansed. I lined up my schedule, packed my bags, backed out of the driveway and found myself in the moment, depending on myself, clearing my head and taking a huge leap into the unknown. I didn’t bog myself down with my typical should I Do this or should I do that. I enjoyed me. I let the trees and fields of nature and the bright blue sky frame my experience. I sang at the top of my lungs, I drove the speed limit, I drank copious amounts of coffee. With each friend visit I lived in the moment…I didn’t prepare…I relaxed….I listened and I talked. I had a wonderful time with myself. Another huge step in my journey to self discovery.
After our trip to Toledo last week, I’ve been feeling lonely for my girlfriends…the ones I left behind in February of 2014. For the most part, I didn’t socialize much with them the last 5 years I Was in Iowa because of my state of mind. I miss them!
There is a connection with girls that men cannot fill…and there is a history and trust and affection with MY girls. It is a loneliness that I can’t really put into words. It’s like missing your favorite sweatshirt on a cold rainy day. Everything is really fine but you just keep remembering how warm you felt in your old sweatshirt.
So…my first estrogen tour is next week. I’m doing 3 nights away from home, away from him….and when I return I will be warm after wearing my old sweatshirt for a few days.