Tag Archives: aging

05.29.24
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I had no idea…

until the morning I woke up at 67 plus about 333 days, that I realized that age is just a number. The designation of age gives us a benchmark of when we can start school, get a driver’s license, know more than our parents, should be married and have children, should/could retire…and the biggie….begin wondering if I’m close to the age when I’m expected to die.

I recently experienced a short bout of depression. I recognized the signs when I started snacking a lot, wanted to only sit in the recliner and read or do New York Times crosswords and binge watch Britbox TV. I had no desire to leave the house for ANYTHING and found I could only communicate via text message. I had moved negative fears and experiences into my house and gave them a bed and 3 meals a day plus snacks! The thing was.. I knew exactly what the catalyst was for my mental burial but I was incapable of working through what was just beyond my grasp…because I could not stop ruminating.

I moved through the fear/sadness and with it came a knowing of how much damage I can do to myself by thinking and trying to control each moment. (my moments and other peoples moments). Attempting to live by a planned outline of my life….which is impossible. It is ridiculous to drive with one foot hovering over the brake. The enlightenment in my THINKING about what is expected at this age (pencil in a number) came by realizing that my thoughts about aging are legends of someone else’s history or the lips of society telling me how I’m supposed to live and think…fears are a hammer and nail.

07.24.19
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Which daughter will take care of us in old age….

Subtitle: steroids are bad

The story about my youngest daughter will begin….she’s an old soul. Antiques interest her. She quilts, she does cross stitch, she taught herself to crochet, she likes to cook, she volunteers, she buys fresh flowers once a week throughout the year and places them in vases around her house…you get the picture.

At some point in our “relationship”, I noticed she occasionally wore one of those nighttime eye masks for sleeping….and at some point (because we never discard anything), I noticed one of those eye masks in a drawer in my house…I’m pretty certain I didn’t buy it…it was probably left here or we moved it to this house 5 years ago.

I’m on steroid medication…approaching day 5 due to bronchitis and an ear situation that wouldn’t clear on its own. The steroids make me crazy! I can’t stop eating, I can’t think straight, words like “the” are foreign to me and I can’t sleep. I found the eye mask. Ah…so if I wear this and don’t sleep all night at least I might be able to avoid the morning light peaking in around the curtains and sleep later in the morning??

After much thought, with little clarity, I put on the eye mask before I “harnessed” up with the CPAP, put my earplugs in, felt around and found the switch for my bed side light, turned on the CPAP, hmmmm why didn’t the little light come on, jumped out of bed, felt around for the plug…it was plugged in….omg..turn on my bedside lamp, it’s not on, omg look to the left, I can’t see the orange clock numbers, omg the electricity is off, lay back down, doze off, wake up still no clock…doze again, wake up STILL no clock, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS OVER MY EYES, why can’t I see?……oh…the eye mask….silent profanity…omg the electricity hasn’t been off.

Steroids are very bad.

Until next time…