I woke up loaded for bear this morning (not something I need to mention…waking up soft and gentle would be actual news). THIS morning, I went quickly to writing my Morning Pages which has become easier this week because I recognize the need to get “whatever it is” outta my head and down on paper so I may release it! what I learned was….
Last year at this time, I went from traveling Mach speed around the curves with mind numbing constant thoughts and activity which were framed in worry and fret about absolutely nothing TO Oh Holy Shit…what is happening. For the next year and some change, the reality of required solitude and living within the parameters of “just being” was odd….and then it became my new normal….and I was peaceful and comfortable and just felt right. He and I worked on our relationship, we read books together, I went to bed and got out of bed when I wanted. I had groceries delivered, I read without guilt, I didn’t clean house very often and we saved a hefty amount of money ( with the shameful realization that being frugal was not even one of my vocabulary words).
I will not go back to normal. I don’t even have the desire to go back to whatever normal is. Post vaccinations, I begin to feel myself being pulled in different directions, I also realize that those commitment I make now are of my own doing….my choice. My quarantined personality had one of its best years of my life…Now I know what “just being” feels like. My only job here is listen to myself…And do what feels the best for my soul in each moment…with each breath.
If it weren’t raining for day number 40 of 40 days and 40 nights, I possibly would be in a better mood. Even though we have had a few days….and I mean VERY FEW days…. without rain since our unseasonably cold days, I fear that little scream that has been bouncing around inside my head will somehow escape and scare the birds away from the feeders quicker than my shadow passing in front of the window. *rolling eyes
On a brighter note, yesterday I had a kind nurse poke a needle in my shoulder….my second COVID vaccine. I was mildly concerned that this one might result in flu like symptoms but thankfully I just couldn’t lift my left arm to remove my sweatshirt and I went to bed early because I was either very tired or just felt foggy. I was having some difficulty in comprehending what I was reading.
After a family IMessage with the daughters this morning I think I was just tired last night because it was quietly inferred that apparently my level of comprehension often wanes. Like watching the movie, Frozen, that we watched while visiting our Iowa family a few months ago. Now I find out that I must have missed the point that the parents died in the beginning which would actually be the premise for all of the other sadness, evil and pain of the children’s movie…..I have to admit I was just into it for the music anyway!
So ending this on a grateful note, we need rain to begin the growing season…yay….birds are cute, loud and chirpy, music soothes my soul and I’m now vaccinated and feel the darkness lifting….Namaste
The title being in all caps is the reality of the disturbance in my head…I steal the term, disturbance, after hearing it used by a tv weather guy. Talking about the Canadian air mass sitting over the region for two weeks….”cold temperatures and smaller “disturbances” equals more chance for snow.
Seriously…disturbance? from the news media who normally has us hugging ourselves tightly while they scream shelter in place, lock your doors you are all going to die as our mental health experiences nervous breakdowns through the pandemic and the Trump administration.
It’s cold here. It’s Iowa Cold. Thankfully this morning when I got out of bed in my more than irritable mood, I realized I was feeling the same way I did for 55+ winters in Iowa. Mentally combining that with quarantining a year in the house….my CABIN FEVER is now in overdrive. There are seriously only a certain number of Words with Friends…actually strangers….games you can play in a day so I learned how to play backgammon. But it’s just not the same as what I had dreamed it would be…sitting in a pub in Grantchester playing the Vicar over a round of pints.
My Word for the year is “nurture”. Not feeling it today…Not a whole lot of positive going on right now….my benevolence has frozen over!
What I scribbled out was “has the pandemic made me lazy or has it been a gift of contentment and getting to know who I am?” While I’ve had those days of total boredom … screaming in my head that I want to take a trip somewhere…Key West, Italy, Walmart… the gift I’ve received is being locked up in my house rather than my mind for nearly a year and having the opportunity to get to know what I want and what I think minus all of the key turns of the ignition of the car.
I near the anniversary of my retirement which is also the day He and I left work, loaded up 5 cats, 3 large dogs and our last bits of our life in Iowa, drove 4 hours to our new life in Missouri. The emotions were raw…the excitement, the fear, second guessing if we were doing the right thing, realizing its too late to turn back now, sister, we are doing this! I remember feeling such relief…anonymity awaits. I could wear sleep pants and forgo makeup to go shopping because I will not know anyone. No small talk will be required at the grocery store because I won’t know anyone.
So it would seem pandemic quarantining is exactly what I had been craving. I’ve had the opportunity to just be. To sit on the couch all afternoon and play Words with Friends, to read novels and self help books, to binge watch TV shows. I have groceries delivered, dishes may sit overnight in the sink, I may eat popcorn at 2 in the morning. Isn’t this what I craved since I became a responsible adult with a career!
I was looking in the mirror in the bathroom a few minutes ago and noticed my developing marionette lines on my lower face. I decided to try some Ayurvedic formula wrinkle serum that my oldest daughter passed down to me. It was more like…hey Mom, I have this wrinkle serum that causes my face to itch, do you want to try it?
Even though I have no illusions that any ointment, serum or lotions are actually going to prevent wrinkles from forming, I said yes. Full disclosure…I know what is causing the thin skin on my forearms and the new developing wrinkles on my face.
1. No sunscreen
2. My age
3 no sunscreen
I actually laughed out loud as I looked to my right and sitting on the edge of the tub was a bottle of great smelling exfoliating, salt (feels like sand) that my younger daughter bought but wasn’t thrilled with. Hey Mom, do you want this exfoliating grit. (Not her real words). And the visit the time before, she sent me home with some lavender moisturizing oil…Hey Mom…..
Which took me back to the Life Cereal commercial from the 70’s…one of the longest continuously running commercial campaigns ever aired.
….and there you have it. Changes needed to be made when my life became reruns of TV commercials…so I got the Britbox and Acorn TV apps and now I speak with a British accent…..how much I love the term, Wanker, at a later time.
Oh the naïveté of life. We make our plans, we think we just keep movin’ on from what we are doing today…this week…this month….we anticipate with gusto tomorrow, next month, next year and we expect them to be status quo. Here’s an excerpt from last years blog from the last day.
“What will happen is lots of life in 2020. Just the way twenty/twenty rolls off the lips fills me with hope and wonder. I won’t make silly resolutions other than I’ll try to spend more time in service to others, I will not focus on the negative but instead I will focus on loving myself and being kind.”
If I take one thing from my dreams for 2020, I did In fact spend more time in service to others. Obviously not face to face but in support. I admit that I TOTALLY went into corona fear and focused on the negative for a couple of months beginning after my birthday in March. To use a phrase I don’t think is too vulgar or overstated for 2020, “shit got real”. Then something happened to me.
I started taking to heart all of the teachings… from the lessons and new thought teachings of Unity Village Chapel and my training in my short time with the Silent Unity Prayer ministry…from Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr, Paul Selig, A Course in Miracles, and the list goes on. I chose to remove Twitter and the barrage of 24 hour news from my life realizing that they are absolutely not the predictors of our future. It all reverts back to money. We are paying with our hearts and souls and peace of mind for their job of delivering fear. Fear always manifests nothing but fear…it’s a circle…..A viscous circle!
I look at the tragedy’s of 2020 and send love and peace and the light of the universe… I will not start 2021 holding onto the fear but I will remember the tragedy’s and the pain and Illness with the deserved reverence. We must move on. Not focusing on what has happened but what is happening right this moment…for each moment in our day, month, year and life. We must love ourselves, love each other and be kind.
Notifications from our ring camera at the front door drive me bonkers! It’s probably really not fair to judge it’s efficiency during the pandemic because no one comes to the door. Only one guy who rang the doorbell and hung around on the sidewalk waiting for an answer while not being able to miss the No Soliciting sign. In a moment of irritation, I told myself that soliciting must have been too big a word. OK….not a very kind thing to think but DAMNIT!
The ring doorbell does pickup vehicles driving past on the street. I’ve adjusted and adjusted but certain times in the morning and evening, I think the sun hits the windows of the vehicle (especially SUVs) just right and sets it off. Rex…our cat/dog/annoying near-human, now recognizes that we respond when the “ring” is activated…whatever he is doing…even from a dead sleep…he sits up alert, often moving to the hallway waiting for one of us to do something. If you have cats, you will understand when I say he seems to be gifted…
In order to end this pandemic post of nothingness, I just wanted to mention that I frequently call up my ring app just to see what has gone by the house and even though by then I already know there have been no deliveries I get excited to see an Amazon van or a FedEx truck going by…which causes me to wave my arm in the air and yell..HEY HEY where’s my order.
If there is anything more exciting than this blog going on in your life, please respond!! I need the stimulation!
After a particularly emotional, loving and safe UVC Zoom group this morning, I spent some time in thoughtful meditation allowing the gratitude to settle in my bones.
In the 8 months since the COVID-19 virus was officially discovered (announced), we have all had to adapt to this new normal. We’ve been forced to slow down, pay attention and figure how to live 6 feet from each other. After the first few months or since the science based guidelines have been established…wash your hands, social distance and wear a mask…AND my personal rule DO NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN, I’ve not been overwhelmed by fear for myself. That’s not to say some days boredom hasn’t been an issue and often finding myself down in the rabbit hole with sadness and grief not being able to see my kids and grandkids. When our granddaughter was born at the end of March, not being able to see her in person brought me to my knees.
The bright light in this pandemic experience for Phil and me has been finding our balance on zoom outings with our tribe of friends at Unity Village Chapel. Meditations, prayer, arts and crafts, discussions with New Thought leaders. Book studies .. reading together and discussing, we meet for game nights, we talk, talk, talk. Just like the zoom gathering this morning…9 of us came together to discuss a food train for a Unity Village family with COVID, each of us sharing our personal pandemic feelings, fears, sadness and blessings. Supporting one another in Love and Wellness knowing that anyone in the group would wipe away the tears of another if we had been physically together.
It is not necessary to attend Unity Village Chapel or even live in the Kansas City area to find yourself in a “Brady Bunch”square most days of the week and especially Sunday mornings for the talk by Rev Erin and the after church discussion she hosts. All that is necessary is an internet signal along with a phone, tablet or computer. There is always room.
Because I have nothing urgent to do several hours a day….and I define urgency as drinking too much water in one sitting…I find myself on Facebook….and by “on Facebook”, I mean watching Facebook videos about hair. If we don’t choose wisely, the algorithm insanity states that if we click on one interesting idea that pops up on Facebook, the topic or associated topics become our social media life whether we choose it or not.
I’ve had very long hair, very short hair and hair of various colors and hues. I started coloring my hair when I was 16… I loved playing with my hair…styling it, coloring it, streaking it, sun-in hair lighteners. I’ve been nearly black, chocolate, purple and one unfortunate, very bright apple red/Sunkist orange before a vacation. I thought about being a hair professionally in the 70’s but didn’t take geometry so figured I would suck at angles.
Because I recently was hooked on a 30 minute video of a stylist cutting an older woman’s hair, I’ve been inundated with videos of stylists and hair and hair color and all of the latest toys for anyone with hair. This morning, I watched a stylist comb and part and ponytail and then form a HUGE bun on top of a women’s head. Before this morning I had no idea working hair into a huge bun was even possible. I’m just letting you know as a caution, if you see this video pop up now that I’ve mentioned it, do NOT click on it.
The thought has occurred to me that I wonder if there really was a Repunzel who let down her golden hair..betraying her beloved which caused his fall and blindness. And seriously, from hair we got peeping Toms as “Tom” apparently broke the rules and watched Lady Godiva ride naked through the streets… But most of all now I want to know why and how Godiva chocolate gots it’s name but there is no way I’m going to google it or click on any chocolate cooking videos because I do not need to be inundated with chocolate. I have enough problems!