Although I told Him when I got home from my Dermatology appointment that had I known that 50 plus years in the future I would have to have skin cancer and precancerous lesions removed, I would have still “layed out” in the sun….because quite frankly few things were more relaxing…..and I always felt beautiful and invulnerable with a great tan!
Back in April, I had a squamous cell lesion removed from my left cheek. I was told that they are quite common because the left cheek is naked to the car window when driving. So now I have a scar which doesn’t look beautiful. A couple months ago, I became “more” aware of a bump on my jaw line and decided to make an appointment to have it checked out along with a full body check as long as I was there. It really looked nothing like the first one…but, another fun medical treatment…. Cryosurgery to remove 5 precancerous lesions….yes…there were 5…the freezing burns like hell…it was like that point you get to when you think I can’t stand one more second and then it stops…apparently they will scab over, heal and go away….thankfully!
“Nothing else to be concerned about”…as she was telling me that everything else looked great, I was Observing my obvious sun damaged arms and legs…WOW. Please do what I’m going to do…..wear sunscreen especially on your face and have a dermatologist look at your bumps and age spots!
Sitting on the couch this morning, I “felt” a small tremor….like when several cats on a mission jumps off the back of the couch or someone drops a heavy object in another part of the house or like when dynamite detonates at one of the two nearby quarries…..I sat for a moment waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop…and it didn’t…no truck running into the house, no apparent earthquake …all seemed to be well in the moment.
Which lead me to >>>>just another lesson in fear….as I waited for the thinking and worry to start “omg what was that” to mess up my Friday morning, …my thoughts were on high alert….what might happen, what might that have been, should I check Facebook to see if anyone is talking about it. I could have lost a whole second, minute, hour or day by allowing my mind to go totally unsupervised with all the possibilities that are “possible”……you know….with some imaginary event that has just not happened yet! This minor or probable catastrophic event that will change my life, make me sad, irritate me, scare me to death or cause me great hardship.
I am becoming aware that all the things I plan for or try to get in front of never happen…every day I go through life stepping over mole hills that never turn into mountains. Putting my nervous systems….all body systems…..on high alert….ready for the saber tooth tiger.
How many times do I have to jolt myself back to reality…back to JUST STOP! Just breath! Just change your thoughts with a hard stop and recalculate like the GPS on your phone. Logic tells me that by practicing this new way of just accepting what is actually happening without drama or color, it will become easier to navigate daily experiences with my body relaxed and my mind at peace!
Responding to my comment “after 42 years of marriage, maybe he was trying to kill me”, the doctor shuddered with that little nervous giggle and said..ya, that’s the way I would do it…through the ear. hahahah
He was hanging pictures on the wall yesterday afternoon and was using a razor blade knife with a brand new blade to cut marking tape. He laid the knife on the back of the couch for a second. The next second, I bounced down on the couch, the knife tipped off the couch and into my ear. As I reached up to remove it, I realized it wasn’t laying against my ear…the point was IN MY EAR! I swear if I had thought about it at my moment of panic, I would have taken a Stephen King scenario type picture sans the blood. The blood had chosen a different route as it meandered a path through the bony structure of the inside of my ear. I think the tickle brought me back to reality realizing that what I imagined as the most important aspect being a knife sticking vertically in my ear….was now actually something that happened in the past as I realized I was bleeding somewhere “in there”. At his suggestion I stuffed a paper towel in the little hole to stop the blood which worked well..applied some frankincense (my go to healing essential oil) with a Q tip, made an appointment for this morning with the doctor and basically forgot about it because there was really no pain.
Dr appointment: nurse who took me into the room using her calm voice. OMG HOW DID THIS HAPPEN. Doctor enters the room…”shook her hands in front of her in a professional shudder” and said…HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? After the exam, I asked her if she could see it and she said…Oh YA..I can see it. Prognosis…its fine if it gets infected and begins to hurt or seep fluid, call me!
You know those moments when something someone has said to you in the past comes back….repeating like you are seated side by side, say, in a movie theater and she whispers…you guys should move down here we hardly ever get snow…..and honestly I have bragged to my northern friends that…oh ya, we are always 10 or more degrees warmer in the winter…you had a foot deep snow storm?…oh goodness, that’s usually what we get in a whole season….. it didn’t seem wrong…I gave 58 years to Iowa….it kind of seemed like it was ok…the way it’s okay to complain about the spouse but if anyone else does it….
Ok…so I am a little red faced and very apologetic about my bluster after this polar vortex experience these last two weeks. But, seriously, friends around the country are sharing pictures… it’s a nightmare….and now many states can’t keep the power on because ……. the elves went to sleep while feeding the wood burner? Trump, the pandemic and now the polar vortex. Ruler across the fingers apparently we need, yet, another start over lesson.
We left the snow blower in Iowa….so…When the doorbell camera caught an elf on my sidewalk with the leaf blower this morning, I felt a sense of pride that I married a genius! My very own Macgyver.
This too shall pass or so I keep repeating it! Stay warm and safe!
I have no idea exactly where I was or what I was doing but a fellow that looked very similar to the one pictured above was running ahead of me through the timber. Opening my eyes I thought….well, I wonder what kind of day I should anticipate!
I am holding on tightly to a sentence in Rev Erin’s talk this morning. “Most often the world around me is a projection of the world within me”.
and a line in the anti-apartheid protest song by Peter Gabriel – Biko
“You can blow out a candle, But you can’t blow out a fire, Once the flame begins to catch, The wind will blow it higher”.
Apparently running through the timber following an orangutan was indication that my options were completely open depending where my monkey brain would take me!
Snowing again…below 0 temps again tonight…I was a non believer when I heard a polar vortex was going to include us here in Missouri….looks like we should be climbing out of it this week…I try to see it as nature, as beauty but it is hard for me …. the frigid temps especially. We had been having such a mild winter. The geese had stayed and the pond had not frozen…. but…..
The Easter cactus has its first blooms on.
….and I have His latest creation to remind me to be patient….the sun will come out! (And I’ll be bitching about the heat)
The title being in all caps is the reality of the disturbance in my head…I steal the term, disturbance, after hearing it used by a tv weather guy. Talking about the Canadian air mass sitting over the region for two weeks….”cold temperatures and smaller “disturbances” equals more chance for snow.
Seriously…disturbance? from the news media who normally has us hugging ourselves tightly while they scream shelter in place, lock your doors you are all going to die as our mental health experiences nervous breakdowns through the pandemic and the Trump administration.
It’s cold here. It’s Iowa Cold. Thankfully this morning when I got out of bed in my more than irritable mood, I realized I was feeling the same way I did for 55+ winters in Iowa. Mentally combining that with quarantining a year in the house….my CABIN FEVER is now in overdrive. There are seriously only a certain number of Words with Friends…actually strangers….games you can play in a day so I learned how to play backgammon. But it’s just not the same as what I had dreamed it would be…sitting in a pub in Grantchester playing the Vicar over a round of pints.
My Word for the year is “nurture”. Not feeling it today…Not a whole lot of positive going on right now….my benevolence has frozen over!
Feel like I’m all over the place today. Started off with a Heart 2 Heart relationships class at 10. The instructor is a highly credentialed leader in the psychological as well as spirit driven genres. Seems as though the small group sessions will get us through the end of March working on our relationships…current, future and past. It occurred to me this morning that I may find some healthy, loving forgiveness and peace while releasing the difficult relationships in my life.
Very cold weather forecast for the area in the next few days. I wish someone would communicate this information with the geese. They didn’t leave the pond this year which I felt was an indicator that they knew it was going to be a warm winter here. The pond, which has not completely frozen over this year, was full of geese today…..FULL. The occasional dusting of snow doesn’t seem to bother them. Their gentleness gliding on the pond brings me so much peace!
Super Bowl tomorrow….just the two of us here which is probably healthier. It just doesn’t feel like I could possibly hold onto the kind and gentle image I like to maintain when I’m cursing and yelling. Nobody who really knows me had better be laughing at that!! Go Chiefs.
So my girlfriend, in what I’m going to assume was pandemic boredom on WHEATIES, started posting pictures of food made with her air fryer on Facebook…..and then as we often do with things that catch our attention….I noticed lots and lots of people starting sharing their air fryers with the world. It took me awhile but I soon succumbed and bought the airfryer lid that fits on top of my instant pot…double duty…the instant pot rests for days on end in the cupboard because I only use it once a month and that’s being generous.
So the first night with the airfryer lid, we did French fries…yum. I have to say they were tasty and 1/3 less calories than deep fat fried.
I had been reading on various web pages how exquisite ribeye steak was in the airfryer….you know…I’ll never eat it another way again propaganda…..and He might try a ribeye air fried some time…but holy expletive…do not put a large sirloin with bone and expect the same outcome as a ribeye. His cooked 3 times longer than expected was rubbery and medium rare. I couldn’t imagine how MOO it would have been for the time recommended. But I found out. Mine a bit smaller with bone, I added 5 minutes longer than recommended….the words came out of my mouth…I’m so hungry I’m going to eat it whenever the timer goes off…a, ya, that did not work out. But it swore me off steak for a very long time…possible for as long as I’m here on earth!
Salmon patties. This was actually a recipe..not just salmon, egg and cracker crumb fried in oil and topped with ranch dressing. These were actual pretty good…but didn’t taste like salmon patties. To my family and friends who I’ve retained as Facebook friends even though they are salmon haters, you might like THESE salmon patties. I won’t say trust me!
My last half patty disappeared After leaving my plate on the counter while tending to the next batch….irritation…GET DOWN……but don’t take Truman’s word for anything…he can smell an open can of salmon miles away.
What I scribbled out was “has the pandemic made me lazy or has it been a gift of contentment and getting to know who I am?” While I’ve had those days of total boredom … screaming in my head that I want to take a trip somewhere…Key West, Italy, Walmart… the gift I’ve received is being locked up in my house rather than my mind for nearly a year and having the opportunity to get to know what I want and what I think minus all of the key turns of the ignition of the car.
I near the anniversary of my retirement which is also the day He and I left work, loaded up 5 cats, 3 large dogs and our last bits of our life in Iowa, drove 4 hours to our new life in Missouri. The emotions were raw…the excitement, the fear, second guessing if we were doing the right thing, realizing its too late to turn back now, sister, we are doing this! I remember feeling such relief…anonymity awaits. I could wear sleep pants and forgo makeup to go shopping because I will not know anyone. No small talk will be required at the grocery store because I won’t know anyone.
So it would seem pandemic quarantining is exactly what I had been craving. I’ve had the opportunity to just be. To sit on the couch all afternoon and play Words with Friends, to read novels and self help books, to binge watch TV shows. I have groceries delivered, dishes may sit overnight in the sink, I may eat popcorn at 2 in the morning. Isn’t this what I craved since I became a responsible adult with a career!
I was looking in the mirror in the bathroom a few minutes ago and noticed my developing marionette lines on my lower face. I decided to try some Ayurvedic formula wrinkle serum that my oldest daughter passed down to me. It was more like…hey Mom, I have this wrinkle serum that causes my face to itch, do you want to try it?
Even though I have no illusions that any ointment, serum or lotions are actually going to prevent wrinkles from forming, I said yes. Full disclosure…I know what is causing the thin skin on my forearms and the new developing wrinkles on my face.
1. No sunscreen
2. My age
3 no sunscreen
I actually laughed out loud as I looked to my right and sitting on the edge of the tub was a bottle of great smelling exfoliating, salt (feels like sand) that my younger daughter bought but wasn’t thrilled with. Hey Mom, do you want this exfoliating grit. (Not her real words). And the visit the time before, she sent me home with some lavender moisturizing oil…Hey Mom…..
Which took me back to the Life Cereal commercial from the 70’s…one of the longest continuously running commercial campaigns ever aired.
….and there you have it. Changes needed to be made when my life became reruns of TV commercials…so I got the Britbox and Acorn TV apps and now I speak with a British accent…..how much I love the term, Wanker, at a later time.